Thursday, March 12, 2015

The Season of Poor Relationship Choices

I've been gone. Life was happening. Honestly, I got HBO Go, and I couldn't be bothered to do anything except binge watch Game of Thrones over and over until I think I've already figured out who will win. Then there was work. Let's not talk about it. Some things have been incredible since we last talked. Some things have made me question everything about my life, my choices, and my ability to trust my gut ever again. Such is life with SAD. 

There was a plan to tie explaining my absence to what I came here to write about, but now that I'm here doing it I've completely forgotten what it was going to be. From now on I'll just be yelling the word segue when I want to talk about something else. Deal? Cool. 

SEGUE! That's pretty slick I have to say. Let's move on. 

Spring is here (almost). I sprung forward, and my afternoons are brighter. This is the time of year that, like most people coming out of the SAD fog... that's what the tie in was.. I feel like all things are possible. My mood, health, and attitude all improve and I feel pretty damned good about the future. 

This morning I was hanging out at home waiting for the antihistamines to kick in and clear up my drippy nose, swollen eyes, and scratchy throat. It was a great reminder that the seasons have definitely changed. I was also reminded that this is the time of year that I do the most ridiculous of things. I fall in love. 

When talking with a friend I mentioned that I've recently been contacted by a couple former flames. It seems that spring for them is a time to look back and say, "I could go find someone new or I could check to see if so and so is married off yet. Is there a chance we could make some really poor decisions together. Christmas is done and Valentine's Day has passed. It's safe." 

"Maybe they think I'm fragile?" I asked.

"Fragile is not a word I would associate with you." he replied. 

I laughed. "You've never seen me broken-hearted." 

"And hopefully never will." he said. 

Then I explained reality. "It will happen. The calendar shows spring is near. I'll fall in love and it won't work. By autumn I'll be all messed up. No one will notice. I'll just be more cynical. I'll laugh more and be very sarcastic."

"Like this though... HAHAHAHA?" he asked. 

"Yes! And I'll drink more wine and cry myself to sleep, but you won't see it." I added. 

I used to choose a new man to fall in love with when my heart was ready. I'd choose someone completely different from the last one and feel pretty confident that it would all work out. After a failed marriage and a couple of failed almost marriages I gave up on that idea. Apparently my idea of completely different is everyone else's exactly the same. It's been a long time since I've fallen in love. This time I have decided to just fall back in love with someone I've fallen in love with before. It's like banging my head against a brick wall, but the first few months of blows to the head feel so good! 


Looking back on it, I wonder if my SAD sets the schedule for my romantic notions or if my romantic notions set the schedule for my SAD. Maybe this year I should avoid love completely and see how October looks without regret, anger, sadness, and pain. Huh. Well hell. I'll get back to you on that. 

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