Tuesday, May 20, 2014

All in a Day's Conversation

We sat across the ocean from each other, sliding our fingers over nearly identical screens. There we shared the ridiculously random details of our lives as we had done for months. Whether it was a tidbit overheard at work, mind numbing plans for the evening, or what food we'd just shoved in our mouths it was transmitted in real time. Occasionally something would come up that had substance, which in truth was the purpose of the continuous exchange of information. One topic leads to another which reminds us of this, because it had to do with that, and one of us really needed to talk about that anyway.

"You're sweet and all around great, so deal with it." I said as I laughed off a comment he'd made about himself.

"People think that til they get to know me and then they get bored." he said in an attempt to deflect any sort of compliment.

"People who get bored weren't looking for content. They were looking for sparkle. Don't feel bad. It happens to me all the time. I'm witty and engaging when I'm 'on', but that only lasts for two dates. After that guys start to look for a new shiny object." I said, throwing in an lol for good measure.

"Is that when you give them the 'no take-out' warning?" he asked, referring to an earlier statement about it not mattering where a person gets their appetite as long as they eat at home.

"I would never actually give that warning unless I was in a relationship. I assume all men stray." I said, with what sounded far more like resignation than cynicism.

Before long the conversation turned a corner, and we put aside the serious to return to the safety of take out food and light-hearted banter. It lingered though, that serious moment, as it always did. Perhaps that was what we needed, as safe place to say what was on our minds with no threat of repercussion to our real lives. At the end of the day we would each tuck away a perspective we hadn't entertained before, an affirmation of our personal opinion, or a brief glimpse into what made the other person what they were.

He walked away from the conversation understanding that chicks are crazy. I took away a few things. I was resigned to the fact that I may never have enough sparkle. The fact that I had left cynicism and arrived at resignation made me both happy and sad. Lastly, I was really hungry for sweet chili chicken. And french fries, which is ridiculous. Why in the hell do they serve chips with everything? Seriously. It's like an epidemic. I wonder if I have any malt vinegar at home.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Dating Site Fails: Bring It On

The moment you realize that having it all isn't all it's cracked up to be if you have it all by yourself, and you open that God forsaken dating profile...

The subsequent days when you click through the messages saying, "Pass. No. WTF? Uh uh. Seriously? Oh HELL NO! I quit."

Once in awhile I open a dating profile. It's like I need some sort of validation that the dating pool is not meant for me. I get my fair share of unexciting. I also seem to attract people who obviously didn't read my profile. It's as if I posted a picture of boobs and they responded while looking straight at them. Obviously they aren't all horrible and unoriginal, but if the best I can do even on a free site is unoriginal but only a 30% match, the least I can do is have some fun. So today I dedicate my page to the people who don't fully understand online dating, how to get a girl to respond, and "Dude... WTF?"

Honestly, half of why I open these accounts is because I like something to look over with my girlfriends. This city might have 160K people, but it's a small town in the dating world. If you haven't dated him one of your friends has or they know someone who did. It's fun to sit around and look through the profiles and have the girls give you the low down on who so and so is and who they dated and what sort of person they are. Twenty-five percent is searching to see if the person I like is using a dating site. The other 25% is just checking to see if the pool has gained any depth in the last 12-18 months.

The last time I tried this experiment I found out one of the guys I'd had a coffee date with was a 'close friend' of one of the skankiest women many of my friends know. This leads to all sorts of personal questioning.
1. Seriously... am I as skanky as she is?
2. I bet he had sex with her. Did he think I would have sex with him. See question one.
3. I don't recall sampling his chai latte... oh God... did I? Okay, I think I'm safe. Is there some sort of antibiotic I can take prophylactically to make sure I don't get skanky?
4. Should I just close this account? I think I'll close this account. Account closed.

I don't know if everyone is aware of this, but apparently there is a trend toward the cougar. Yay me! Just as I turn 40 the world has decided 40 is the new... um... fuck... are we the new older man to the 20 something male group? I do believe we are. I opened this account on Friday. Since that time, over 50% of the men who messaged me are FAR below my state dating range. So far, here are my favorite two "cub" messages so far:

I really do appreciate the bravery it takes to send the first message, especially at 22. Is that step generally reserved for the guys? Perhaps. But in this case the guy has seen my age, seen that I am almost "empty nesting", and has seen that my preferred range is 38-45. This took serious balls considering I do believe he went to school with my daughter. Not even kidding. Who are these older women he is used to dating? Was it Stacey's mom? I hear she's got it going on.

Have to give this one credit. After being informed that I'd likely seen him at parent-teacher conferences (23 years old) he was completely undeterred. I wonder what he means by "being with" a younger man. Does he want to carry my groceries? Mow the lawn?

Really? The site does state that you must be present in the picture in order to count it, but when I tried to load a picture it ran face recognition it actually looked for my FACE. Did it just mean your head? Seriously? WTF? Of the 10 it displayed for me with recent additions, this was like playing "One of these things is not like the other". It doesn't even show the person's account name. Even the site is somewhat ashamed they let this go on.

At the end of the day, I have to say that while it is flattering that younger guys are totally digging older women for a quick romp, my favorite have to be the guys who know they are outside your dating range on the higher end, and yet they admit that they just want someone to have sex with. I would say it is almost "as if", but the truth is there is no "as-if" to it. They just want some younger woman to have sex with. Perhaps they think that 40 is more accepting of the bullshit than 55+ something. At least it's honest I guess.

I'll be completely honest. It is highly unlikely that I'll ever message anyone who messages me on this site, but there is even less likelihood that I'll ever go on a single date with any of them. Why? Because I'm a snob. Because I'm still not ready to sacrifice any part of me that is wholly 'me' in order to be wholly 'us'. Because I have an ideal in mind... and no amount of them has yet turned into "him".

It's still fun to look, right?

Ladies... Gents... show me your worst dating profiles and profile messages! I like to feel I am not alone.

My Zimbio
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