Thursday, February 27, 2014

The Prolonged Resolution and the Naked Selfie

I stood on my tiptoes in the bathroom and snapped a picture in the mirror. It took all of 2 seconds to determine that the people on The Biggest Loser and the folks who offer ‘before and after’ photos to diet pill companies are braver than I will ever be. How bad could it possibly be? This bad...
I was so pissed off I wouldn't even look at myself.
I wear censor bars everywhere... even on the beach.
As much as I would like to blame myself for how I looked, the cold hard truth is that Samsung phones obviously have software that tells the camera to magnify every single imperfection. I can’t prove it, but I’m sure it is true. Don’t believe me? Take a naked selfie with one.

Go on. I’ll wait. Okay then.

What is it that would cause any self-respecting, pasty, Midwest woman do that? Well, I can tell you what it isn't. It is not a diet. No, this is CONTEST. At the beginning of January some of the office peeps and I decided this would be a terrific way to keep that pesky ‘look-better-feel-better-live-healthier’ bullshit resolution on track. So each week we pay to weigh, and the highest percentage of weight loss will win the pot (money… not a dime those still exist?) on April 7. Feeling better and looking better are all fine and dandy. Being healthier is cool and shit. Contests come with a prize and bragging rights. Everyone knows that's better than health any day.
Image Source
Yeah... it will end up being a stack of ones. It's not like we're receiving financial backing. 

The contest started with 9 people. We split the group into two teams; Male and female. Realistically, we could have just been one team, but I recall from past contests that men don’t care as much about sharing their weight publicly as women tend to. Instead, I volunteered to share my weight each week with my whole team. Each could share their weight with me privately. The only thing shown publicly would be a percentage. The guys have decided to just weigh themselves in the office. I weigh myself naked so I opt out of that. I just take a time-stamped photo and send it on to the girls.

It's game on. We're currently eight weeks in, and it's going quite well. We lost 3 people a few weeks in, but for the most part everyone is trying. You know what I mean; Trying not to cry after super strenuous workouts, sore obliques, pulled hamstrings, tough days when everyone else is eating something fried or gravy covered, and the random week where no weight came off at all. On an even better note, every single person in the game is on the board with an overall loss.

The real challenge will not be winning the contest. The real work starts when the game is over and no one is paying to stay in the game and making wiser choices to maintain or improve on their previous efforts. According to the Health Status website, my recommended weight range is between 135 and 168 pounds. I will never hit the 135 mark. I'm more than okay with it. At 5'9" and 135 pounds I wouldn't have enough fat to fill out my face, and at my age I need that!

For anyone interested in some "diet" insights, here you go:

1. Spinach has no flavor in an omelet. If you need to add greens and hate veggies... there you go.

2. Lean Cuisine has some great "inspired" meals. The Chicken in Peanut Sauce and Beef Chow Fun are pretty damned tasty. The breakfast collection is pretty terrific as well.

3. Evening cocktails can be nice, but make sure you get a workout in first. You'll be less likely to over consume or delude yourself into thinking you should eat that bag of Fritos.

4. Avocados are fruit. Onions (root) and peppers are vegetables. That makes guacamole a Frugtable. I made that up, but cut down the mayo and it's pretty damned healthy and it makes a great condiment.

5. Stop looking at the BMI (body mass index) calculators unless you absolutely do not workout. People who maintain active fitness levels have more lean muscle mass than those who do not. BMI does NOT take into consideration what your muscle mass is. This also explains how someone at my height can have an acceptable variance of 33 pounds.

6. Sometimes you will cheat. Whether you choose to treat yourself daily, weekly, or whatever... accept that it will happen. Get over yourself. I did. See...
I performed a cake removal surgery on this doughnut.
I wanted a little cake and a lot of the chocolate icing.
Still saved some calories. I call it a win. 

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