Sunday, February 23, 2014

Screw You, Weekend.

I started out my Saturday with the intent of swiping on some mascara and lip gloss and heading to Wal-Mart. Nothing makes a person feel prettier and more confident than a trip to Wal-Mart, unless you count the dollar store of your choosing. My jeans we're fitting loose, and my hair was artfully tied up and pretty but not too pretty. I felt svelte and stylish. Wal-Mart success. My weekends are probably not what you'd call stellar. I take my victories where I can.

I went, I saw, I shopped, and I paid the bill. Still, as you leave there will always be the text from home that reminds you that there is something you forgot. That reminder will cause you to check the list and see various other things you forgot. Fortunately, we have stores closer to home. There is nothing more agonizing than having to go back for something when in the 3+ deep Wal-Mart line.

The local Hy-Vee is not far from home, and I swung by to make my forgotten purchases. I'm a speed shopper. I move around people like we're in some sort of speed skating event. Look for an opening and go! Ice melt? Check. Floor cleaner? Check. Urban Riot Energy 4 pack? Check!  Everything was good. I made my purchase and headed for the door. I was an Olympian of grocery store slalom.

Those of you who live by your Hulu and Netflix accounts for new shows to watch will understand the drought I've felt during the Olympics. Don't get me wrong, there are a few sports I really enjoy, but for the most part I cannot understand why all the other stations have stopped airing episodes for fear of losing viewership. Alas, that is the world I live in, and thus I decided to hit Redbox on my way out of the store to find something to watch on the treadmill while I sweat out the sins of my day. Gluttony is a bitch, and I like to be prepared, ya know?

My humiliation started as I stood at the unit with my purchases seeking movies I'd bother to pay $1.25+ to see. I hit the "next" button multiple times before I found anything. At that moment an older gentleman, perhaps aged 60-65, brushed behind me and looked back. He glanced at me and my purchases at my feet then said, "It looks like someone has an exciting weekend planned." Then he winked at me.

I don't know if I was more offended that he judged me by the fact that I was renting movies, that he based his opinion of my lifestyle on my purchases, or that he somehow determined I was single based on either factor, but I was making the "fuck you" face regardless. I bet Silver Fox had a date for tonight or he wouldn't have been so quick to judge!  Either way, I rented Last Vegas in his honor. Well, eventually.

The elderly couple behind me seemed content as I browsed through the selections in my 'screw you it's Saturday before noon' sort of way. When I'd made my final choices I felt sure that I'd taken the cream of the crop. I hit 'Check Out' and proceeded to slide my card not once, but twice, and stared at the screen waiting for some sort of indication that I'd fulfilled my end of the process. Nothing. I swiped again. Nothing. "Maybe my magnetic strip isn't working." I thought and I swiped a fourth time.

"I wish she would just hit the button." the woman whispered to her mate behind me. It was then that I realized I don't know how to use a god damned Redbox system, and I noticed the button that would allow me to proceed with my purchase. So I did. Immediately after, I turned to my slightly impatient and disgruntled Redbox compatriots and said, "Now that you've successfully witnessed the Redbox tutorial I will trust you to complete your rentals in a timely fashion." I smiled, but it wasn't a real smile. I hope they're happy.

So I'll just say I will spend the weekend scraping old tape off of woodwork, walking quickly in place on a treadmill, and eating egg white concoctions from my microwave while older people are all confident in their weekend plans and ability to use modern movie rental devices.

Screw you, weekend. Screw YOU!

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