Monday, September 2, 2013

Making Something Better

There is nothing worse than spending your life questioning yourself. If something so real and painful to you didn't actually happen what does that mean for the rest of your life? What is real? If something that impacted you so dramatically never happened what else isn't real? If you close your eyes for a time and reopen them will everything still be here? Paralytic fear is something you can't ever understand until you experience it.

Thus began the phone calls. "Do you remember the day that___ ?"  or "How old were we?" and "When did your parents remodel?" and the inevitable, "Am I crazy?" Of all the questions I asked, that last one is the one I hesitated on the most. Something beautiful happened when I broke down... I realized my family is the most amazing group of people a girl could ever hope for. 

Today begins a new phase in my life. Summer is unofficially over today, but I feel reborn. The things in my past that have needled me are getting put in a locked box, sealed in concrete, and dropped into an abyss where I will never see them again. I've learned all I can from the pain and isn't that what it's for? Once something has outlived its usefulness what is the point in keeping it? Nothing really.

I want to thank my mother, sister, and cousin for being there for me when shit got real. I hope that each of you knows how loved you are. You're amazing, strong, beautiful women who deserve all of the very best things in life. I am so very blessed to have you in my life.

For the first time in a long long while, I woke today feeling empty. It was different from the emptiness that comes from a void you can't hope to fill. The emptiness was a space where anger and pain used to live. There was a sense that I'd cleaned out the closet of my soul and threw out everything that just isn't me anymore. It is a space that can now be filled with happiness, joy, and love. Deciding what to fill your life and your heart with is a conscious choice, and I'm choosing to look forward. I'm choosing to make something better.

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