Friday, July 26, 2013

Office Talk Friday: Penises. Some Things Never Change

Well hello. Fancy meeting you here. Long time no see. Do you come here often? Obviously I don't. It's been a hell of a few weeks and today gives me a brief respite in the part of my life where I put on a fake smile and nod a lot. No, I didn't win a beauty pageant or anything quite so glamorous. When clients visit the office we smile, even when our heads hurt, our eyes are dangerously close to slamming shut, and our asses are dragging. We smiled so much that my face hurt by the end of yesterday. That's over though and so is the fake smiling for a few days.

This, of course, is not to say that I'm not smiling. I am. I so am. Today is the day reserved for office talk with the girls. While it's not exactly a scheduled event and takes place, to one extent or another, every time the girls are all in the office, it is definitely like a holiday. It usually starts around 9 AM. Reports are done, there is a lull in the action, clients aren't in on Fridays (typically), and we have a few moments free to browse the internet. 

I want to give a shout out to Jessie Powell over at Jester Queen for giving us a topic to kick us into high gear. It would seem that one study of penises is never enough. Apparently it is necessary to keep asking guys to talk about their members and comparing the results. Here's what we took away from this very often regurgitated topic... poor word choice I know.

Image Source

1. The average length of an erect penis is 5.6 inches. 
One of the girls made a very interesting point. The more things change the more they stay the same. Isn't it odd that for as much as the general population has increased in personal size over the years that penises stayed the same? Men, on average, are taller than they have ever been historically. I would bet that if this same survey had been done in the days of the cavemen the results would have still been the same. "Long enough to get the job done... usually." And the cave women would be sitting around reading the results in CaveDweller Quarterly laughing their asses off at the "usually" part.

2. Bigger isn't always better, but it usually is. 
According to the article, women claim to have more vaginal orgasms with men with penises bigger than the average 5.6 inches. Still, another study suggests that women care more about girth than length. Our independent office study suggests that women prefer a man that gives her an orgasm and if you're still complaining then you should shut the hell up. 

3. The smallest penis in the study was 1.6 inches and the largest was 10.2 inches. 
It was decided that in either situation, if you really liked the guy and discovered he had either of these penises it would be worthy of tears. Yeah yeah we've seen the video. Sure those girls look really happy with Mr. Well Above Average, but those girls are professionals. I'm pretty sure you have to work up to that. That is NOT a starter penis! 

4. Different stimuli creates a different erection. 
The study goes on to suggest that men claimed to have larger erections when the erection is created through oral sex than through fantasizing. Personally I think this is just another trick men use to get blow jobs. "Baby, it will be bigger if you just..." Mmmhmm And the woman will be like, "Dude I am tired. I have been talking about sex all day and my jaw is sore. Your regular size erection will have to do."

There is so much more to discuss, but I have a single evening of nothing to do before I get back to doing something tomorrow. Feel free to talk among yourselves and get back to me with any questions about erections, because after reading today's article I feel like an erexpert!

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Tits on a Stick: Romance Novels Are Bullsh*t

All of my adult life I have struggled with figuring out what men want. I had convinced myself at an early age that Harlequin had the best look inside the male psyche. I tend to be very perceptive when it comes to patterns. This is probably why I am doing so well at Candy Crush Saga (or there's the addiction thing). I don't need Lumosity to train my brain to spot things. I'm just that good. This is why I was really disappointed in myself when I realized, much too late, that the majority of the romance novel authors are women. 

I wondered how many of these women were married. If many of them are married, how weird is it that as married women they spent their lives writing about being in relationships with emotionally unavailable and moody men? As I pondered these questions I had an epiphany. I am that woman. Harlequin was my teacher, my mentor, my go-to source of romance. As a teen it became my guidebook of all that is a relationship. 

The majority of my relationships have been with men that, in one way or another, fell into the Harlequin mold.
1. Immature and non-committal.
2. Overly passionate in all the wrong ways.
3. Distant and wounded. 
4. All of the above.

I would work and work and work to understand these men, all the while waiting for the magical chapter to start. With each passing day, week, month, and year I would think, "Am I doing this right? I've tried this and that and he's still not responding according to the manual! He's supposed to realize that I'm "the one" and then he's supposed to not be a dick! Dammit, I think this one is broken." After a few years I'd just give up and walk away. At some point I'd spot some other brooding douche bag and say, "Ah yeah. There he is. This is the one." Relate. Rinse. Repeat. 

That was then. This is now. I used to take my advice from romance novels and well intending friends that said things like, "Men like smart women. Men like curves. Men like women who are independent." I have now found evidence to support what I've begun to suspect about men in my dating range is true. “Being married to a smart, opinionated woman is work! Now I just want tits on a stick, a blonde wig and someone to tell me I’m great when I get home.”
The article said nothing about hands or feet or genitals. 
When I read the article I was at once disgusted and delighted. Perhaps I should have been more disgusted, but the more I thought about it the more I realized the author is dead on. It's not because he devalued women, nor that he made men sound like egotistical jackasses. He was right on the mark with compromise. 

Sure, there will be a time when you can still wait it out. The perfect one will come along someday. For many newly divorced people looking to get themselves solidly placed in a new marriage the wait doesn't seem like it will take that long. Thirteen years later, I will tell you that it's a tough row to hoe. My once mile long list of must haves is now 3 columns; Must have, Would like, Won't tolerate. 

Somewhere out there is a poor deluded soul who thinks I am his ideal woman. I'm not a stick with a blonde wig, but I do have tits and I'm very complimentary when in a relationship. Plus, I'm keeping a running tab with advice from my guy friends. So far in addition to the compromise portion the list looks like this: 

1. Men like blow jobs. 
2. Give him a blow job each day. 
3. Warm up foreplay oral sex does not count as a blow job. 
4. If he's angry he probably either wants a steak or a blow job. 
5. Have you tried just giving him a blow job and letting him sleep? 

So if all else fails I guess there's that. I wonder if that list will work on the typical narcissistic, brooding, emotionally detached Harlequin guy? 

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

If You Have To Ask: Relationship Advice You Probably Shouldn't Take

The first time I had seafood in a place that didn't offer you Cheddar Bay biscuits or a pirate hat I was slightly confused by the pricing on the menu. Some items had dollar amounts while others had only two letters, MP. When the server came to our table my date ordered like a professional. "We'll have the calamari, fish tacos, and the large iced seafood tower. We'll also have a bottle of the Prosecco." he said. I glanced down the list for the items he'd ordered. When I located them I again noticed those pesky letters where the price should be.

"What does this 'MP' mean in the price column?" I asked.

"It means Market Price." he replied.

"Oh, okay. So what does market price mean?" I asked, knowing full well that I'd just revealed my deepest darkest most humiliating secret. I was a raised-in-the-sticks, no-seafood-having, unsophisticated rube.

"It means if you have to ask you probably can't afford it. It also means you're lucky I'm buying." he said with a smile.

When the server brought our bill I managed to sneak a look. The man was a bit off in much of his thinking, but in this case he was spot on. We'd managed to spend well over $200 and I was, in fact, lucky he was buying.

It was the first of many moments to follow where I would remind myself that as much as I was dying to ask a question, the answer would not likely be what I wanted to hear. Being able to communicate with your partner is essential to understanding them. Here are a few common questions that I have when I am in a relationship and some tips on how you can turn these questions into opportunities to talk, share, and show consideration.

1. Do you love me? 
If you can't tell you probably don't want to ask. Even if the person does love you there's a problem with your partner's ability to express themselves. Try wording it in the form of a statement. Start with a bottle of wine and move on to self-pitying tears. When your partner asks what's wrong say, "I know you don't love me!" He/She will then confirm or deny the statement. Now you've got a conversation! If your partner doesn't care that you're drunk and crying on a Tuesday then what sort of partner do you have? Saturday is fine for drunk tears. Tuesday is completely pitiful.

2. Are you cheating on me? 
If you've gotten to the point where you're going to ask this question there's a pretty good chance that you've seen a few glaring red flags that would indicate that your partner is indeed cheating on you. Instead of asking a question I recommend making a physical pile of the offending flags and just leaving them on the table for your partner to find when he or she gets home. Again, start with a bottle of wine. When your partner walks in, greet them with a smile and say, "Look at all this cool shit I found. It was like a scavenger hunt! Tell me about these thong panties that don't belong to me that I found between the footboard of the bed and the sheets. They look really interesting!" Once again, you've started a dialog. Communication is super important in a relationship.

3. Where is this relationship going? 
There are usually some telltale signs if the relationship is moving forward. There's no need to ask. You have a couple options here. First, you can buy yourself that sparkly bauble for your ring finger. Now you have something pretty to show your partner. Grab a bottle of wine on the way home. I recommend something in red. It goes great with diamonds. Surprise your partner at the door with your finger in the air (the ring one you naughty thing!). Now is a good time to show your partner that you've been listening and are taking their advice. "Honey look at this beautiful engagement ring I bought myself because it's obvious you're never going to buy me one! Aren't you proud of me? I'm being independent just like you wanted!"

Alternatively, the next time one of your friends is getting married ask your partner if they can help you fill out an online dating profile. Explain that since they know you best it would be a great help. You're only doing this to find a date for the wedding because they obviously don't like weddings since they've not asked you to marry them. You're just being considerate to their feelings. Taking into account your partner's feelings is important.

That's all I have for today kids. I hope you've learned a little something (aside from why I'm still single) and will find a way to put these things into practice in your own relationships.

My Zimbio
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