Wednesday, April 24, 2013

People Who Need People: Except me because I'm in denial

I know. I'm not here very much these days. Into every life a little responsibility must fall. I've already mentioned the SAD, so I'll just sum it up with the following, "____." It's snowed 3 days in the last 7. It's f*cking April, folks. APRIL.

Between seasonal depression, being too stubborn to go to the Dr. to ask for a fix, and being too busy with burying myself in work and work functions, I am pretty damned non-verbal after 5 PM. I don't answer my calls. If you're one of the people leaving me voicemail... sorry. I just can't do it. I'll call during work hours when I'm "on". I smile from 7-5 and that's all I really have. When I do speak after 5, I tend to either cut up and be SUPER funny (for real) or I make people cry (shit, I'm not even kidding). Neither one of those two parts of my personality are real and certainly shouldn't be let out too damned often.

So anyhooters... my girl at work and I have been doing a shit ton of yacking lately. This might have a little something to do with me throwing myself into my work. Sometimes when you spend your time yappin' you have a little more work left at the end of the day. It's the time I used to call, "F*cking About" with Angie". I used to flit about the office being all sunshine and light (Dear Coworkers: This is when you shut up and nod). Now I'm all, "Hey, did you send me that? Can you send me that? Did I send that? Please tell me you didn't erase that. Oh, f*ck... I'll figure it out."

Right, so anyway, we've been talking. It's amazing to find someone as completely screwed up as you. I have a knack for it. So we've been talking about our moments of introspection and our collegiate levels of psychology. It helps us analyze ourselves through analyzing each other. Friday we came to the conclusion that realizing you need other people in your life and that you often need help is the most healthy conclusion one can come to.

We are super smart and introspective. People need people. Then we sang a little, because we're nerds, People Who Need People. Immediately after, we decided that we were obviously right. According to all rules of denial, we also decided that we were the two people in the whole world who don't need anyone.

Her- You have to acknowledge that you need people. You have to be able to share what's going on to get feedback.
Me- Of course. Too much introspection is brutal. It only lets you see the parts you see and that you feel. You need others to balance it out.

Then we decided that other people suck and as soon as you find someone to just listen they start trying to "help" you by telling you what THEY think you should do. Then they say all the stupid cliches that we tell other people. After that we decided we won't be listening to anyone else to determine what's wrong with us. We're the sort of people that don't need others. We're self-aware.

Apparently acknowledging that you have a problem IS the first step. It seems we'll be hanging here at step one for awhile, at least until the f*cking sun comes out and melts the snow. It looks like that might be Saturday according to the lying SOB meteorologist who keeps telling us that it's spring. Just the other day I said to myself, "I wish I were in Canada where it's warm!" For real people. How often does one say that?

While I've been absent from here I've been over at SprocketInk holding up my end of the Sprocketeer deal. Here's what you've missed.

Me talking about trading McDonald's meals for sex
Me discussing how some men might never want to go back in there after witnessing childbirth
Me contemplating the pros and cons of "pay what you weigh" airfare

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Continue To Bend

This space was reserved for a really awesome post that I had in mind Friday night, but for the life of me can't think of now. It was a rough week, kids. By the time the rain stopped we had 1.1 inches of ice on the ground and then we got somewhere between 6 and 8 inches of snow to help hide the destruction. Between periods of no electricity and heat, we had periods of no internet or cable TV. We've yet to decide what was worse... worrying we might freeze to death or die of boredom.

We survived both, though my patience for the weather has come to an end. The only answer is to leave for parts more tropical. I require a beach, an ocean, sushi, champagne, and absolutely no worries. That has been scheduled for next month. In the mean time I plan to simply keep my head down and pretend I don't see the snow.

I took this BEFORE the snow. All of the white stuff is ice. The snow didn't come until the next day. 

Monday, April 8, 2013

Happiness... Carry On

What would I give? What will it take? When will it be enough? Will it ever be enough?

I ask myself things like this from time to time. What will it take to be happy? If I knew what it took, could I give myself up to it? Do I even really know what I want? Would I be quieting a symptom that doesn't actually cure the disease? It's a real brain twist. Seeking inner peace is a bitch.

I spend a lot of time on the treadmill. It's the only thing that makes me feel better about having made really poor choices with my dietary needs during the day and helps me be okay with my serious addiction to Netflix and Hulu. It's also a habit fueled by one of those, "what will make me happy" moments.

Being thinner was what I thought it would take. After a particularly rough break up, I dedicated myself to  becoming exactly what I thought he wanted and desired. The plan was to achieve that and then show him and reject him. Revenge is a dish best served cold. Sounds childish doesn't it? Cold it would be. It took a year. In that space of time, I somehow forgot my plan. I wanted something else. To be honest, I don't even know what that was now.

Still, I find myself asking, "What would I do to be happy?" It's fleeting, this happiness thing. Content is easier, but I've never found myself happy with content. Strange. When I have it, will I want it? If I get it would I remember what I wanted to begin with? Probably not. Maybe it doesn't work that way.

So after a lifetime of asking, I went back to the treadmill. At least there I control what I want, how long it takes, and what the outcome will be. As John Derek said, "Live fast, die young, and have a good looking corpse." That I can work toward. During the endless thump thump thump of my shoes on the belt, I found myself letting Hulu dictate my morning.

The Booth at the End. If you have Hulu Plus, I highly recommend spending a little time catching up. If you've ever wondered how far you would go to get what you want, if you've ever wondered the consequences to your choices, if you've ever just questioned the grace of whatever or whomever it is that gives us the opportunity to choose... take some time. In the span of one season, I've come to realize that I have far less get up and go to do whatever it might take to acquire the ultimate happiness. I'm far more likely to move on. Go forward. Carry on.

So I kept moving. For now I'll just be happy with eating what I want without buying bigger pants. It's the only thing that keeps me even loosely woven. Oddly enough, at the moment I'm pretty freaking happy with my decision. My feet are on the ground... sort of.

My Zimbio
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