Sunday, February 3, 2013

Why Do They Do That?: Sex, Love, and Relationships

My guy friends know pretty much everything about me including the dirty, or not dirty, which is most often the case. It's not for any sexual reason between us. We don't share fantasies or sit around and mentally copulate. I don't know that any of my guy friends are capable of mental copulation without making some sort of "shit was that out loud?" grunting noises or snickering to themselves and then giving me the "you totally know what I'm thinking, right?" look. You know who you are. It's more of the fact that as a group, we've come to realize that when we want the straight dope, the cold hard facts, the "what the hell does that mean?" of figuring out the opposite sex we go to the source.

Sure, some of you evolved folks will say, "Why don't you ask your partner?" The fact is, many of us have partners that do things that even they don't understand. Hell, even I do things I don't understand. Even when I absolutely know I'm doing something in a relationship that is fucking up something I really want, I sometimes do it anyway. My guys are the ones who tell me to knock that shit off, or point out that I'm "x" distance from date 5 and I will screw it up by doing ____, ____, or ____. They're normally right.



So in order to help a few people out, I joined mental forces with some of my guy friends and went in search of answers to some questions. Let's get started.

L wants to know why: He watches TV and can't hear anything else that's going on in the room. 
Here's how I see this one. You're a woman and I know your man. As a mom, we tune out everything except the important noises (Crying or changes in recognized vocal tones). It's very much the same. Children whining, women talking, phones ringing... those things are on a different sound level. I guarantee that if you made a sobbing noise he would look up. Otherwise, if it's important, you have to actually tap them on the shoulder and say, "this is important, otherwise I wouldn't interrupt this most important of events..." Your other option is crying. But do you remember how you got used to the unimportant fake crying? Same result. You might also find friendship with my friend C, who's up next.


C on the wrong side of the pond wants to know why: While I'm engrossed in a football match (soccer to our friends on the wrong side of the pond) that I'm meant to engage in a trivial conversation or meant to take notice of what she is or is not wearing?
If she shows up naked in front of you during a football match, it's best that you pay attention whether you understand why or not. I especially recommend this if you're actually AT a match in public.Well I can only guess she is waiting for a time when you're not preoccupied with work or the many other things you do during the day. OR, and I'm just spit balling here... maybe she knows it annoys you and you know that spending too much time watching football annoys her. Paybacks? General lack of consideration? Regardless, this is one of those situations where you have to compromise. By compromise I mean, wait until she's doing something she really enjoys by herself. Once she's really engrossed, go stand naked in front of her and ask if she notices anything different about your hair. If that still doesn't work, go out of the room and sit right outside the door and cry. Cry loud enough for her to hear. When she comes out and asks what's wrong you simply respond with, "YOU THINK I'M UGLY/FAT/STUPID!" or better yet.... just say, "Nothing. I'm FINE." then dry your eyes and go watch a sappy love story where people really love each other.


K wants to know why: He orders ridiculous things in dive restaurants, like Lobster Thermidor, then complains that it tastes like shit. Every time!
Superiority. Plain and simple. "I'm going to test you because I don't believe you can do it." It's either that or your partner is watching a shit load of Guy Fieri, and thinks that they might just stumble upon something worthy of promoting on their new reality show, "Amazing Food at Shitty Restaurants". Sometimes people like to be able to pick something apart. There are a lot of obvious reasons. Have you ever experienced this at a restaurant you've been to multiple times? Is it primarily your job to choose the restaurant? If it's your job to pick the restaurant and there is ALWAYS a ridiculous choice followed by endless complaints, it might be time to stop choosing the restaurant. If you go to your partner's choice of restaurants and they still pick apart the dish they choose, they are simply a complainer. You can tell them to shut the hell up and stop making stupid choices, but that is a whole different topic for a completely different post (how to confront your partner about being a complainer).

B wants to know why: He springs out of bed and talks non-stop in the morning. Why, for God's sake, why?
Morning people. Ugh. There is not a damn thing that can be said to explain these people. They are weird and freaky and completely beyond comprehension. Get back in bed for 10 minutes, give me some lovin, and shut the hell up, right? They don't get it. They think they are normal. You can't fault them for this. Everyone is different. The real question is, why doesn't your partner understand that you are NOT a morning person. This is one of those things where opposites go wrong and then the person who gets woke up and pissed off attacks. It should be a reality show because I bet it's hysterical if it's not you. Your partner probably just wants to experience the single part of their day where not a single thing has gone wrong yet. Thankfully, they want to include you in that experience. As much as it annoys you, it might be time to adjust your sleep schedule to make homicide less probable. Compromise? Three on, four off?

R wants to know why: He keeps trying to get me to like oral sex. 
It's a challenge. I don't even know if some people that do this actually enjoy the giving as much as they enjoy the challenge of making you enjoy it. I honestly think this is not a sexual thing. It's a matter of pride. "He/She never liked it until ME!" It's like telling your partner you've never liked onions (my personal issue), so they try to feed you onions 30 different ways in 40 different dishes just to prove to you that you will like them as much as they do... if you just try. Maybe you just don't feel comfortable enough with yourself to like onions? (uh... yeah) The problem is that you can't fake your way through this one. If you do, you're destined to get onions on your plate every year for your birthday, Halloween, Christmas, etc. Hey, you pretended to like it. Your fault. Be honest. Be open. Give tips. There are many reasons why people don't like a particular sexual experience. Try to narrow it down. If it's still not you, just be honest. "It's not you. It's not your technique. It's just not something that revs my engine." Be willing to give tips on what DOES rev your engine.

B in the UK wants to know why: She stays with me.
I have often wondered why one person stays with another. I assume it must be love, really good sex, or a lot of money. I recommend looking at your relationship and crossing off the things you DON'T have in those categories. Whichever one is left is what makes her stay. In most cases, I am betting it's love. There is also a chance that you have money you don't know about... you know what I mean? The sort that comes in the form of a life insurance policy with her name as the beneficiary. I don't think this is the reason, but you might be getting your brakes checked soon, eh? ;)

I hope this has been helpful. Just a note, there's a big game on today. If your partner is a fan and you're not... find something else to do. Do not be naked in front of them. It will only end in tears. Also, your partner is probably the only fan in the world with complete control over the outcome of the game and there's a good chance that your distraction could mean disaster to the teams ability to play. 



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