Sunday, February 10, 2013

It's a Small Sexual World

Does this chart look familiar to you? If you came of age in the 80s or 90s it should. In the 15 years prior to the AIDS epidemic, multiple partners just meant that you were a tart, whore, playboy, slut, or whatever moniker you most embodied. Hippies were just "free" and so was the love. Sex was simply a matter of self-expression. Ah... hippies.

By the time I made it to Kindergarten sex was back on the naughty list. It was making people sick in a way that a strong dose of penicillin couldn't fix. Add to that the drug epidemic and just like that, the sex stopped and so did the partying. Nancy Reagan solved the world's problems with one slogan. Just Say No. And they did. Just kidding!

To say that a disease or an addiction could wipe out the desire for people to place tab A into slot B is ridiculous. Instead we ended up with people simply doing it anyway and then lying about it later. Some people are like a back alley Ikea they're inserting and screwing so much wood. And true to form, there's always something missing from the package but rather than drive the 5 hours back to Ikea, you just do what you can and go shop for a new piece later.

Things had gone back to the way our grandparents believed it should be. Do it if you have to, but don't talk about and whatever you do, don't get caught. Then along came the Internet. How many times have you been reading something and you think, "I can relate." What about those moments when you're midway through someones description of another person and you say, "Ha! That sounds just like my friend ____." It gets even stranger when you're reading something and you stop mid-sentence and realize, "Oh hell... that actually is my friend ____!"

The Internet is shrinking our sex pool, folks. I blame "You've Got Mail" for this. Couple the Internet with travel, and pretty soon you can't even leave the state or the country for sex without running into someone who slept with someone you slept with. It's not all bad though. Hear me out.

One of the guys at work assures me that this is actually a GOOD thing. Looking at the chart above, if you each had sex with four people then having sex with each other raises your number to 15. Here's where it gets interesting. If you come from a small community, the people you're having sex with probably had sex with the same amount of people you have, but chances are those people overlap.

Jim has sex with Amy who had sex with John who had sex with Karen who had sex with Tom. Chances are, Jim probably already had sex with Karen anyway. Now you can cross Karen off. We're down to 14. Amy probably had sex with Tom before she had sex with Jim, so we can cross Tom off too. Keep crossing off overlapping names until you're down to just the two of you. See? Don't you feel better now?

You can continue to do this until pretty soon no one had sex at all, but you're still pretty exposed, so put on a robe for the love of God. There's always going to be one person in the mix who went outside the community, as small as it's becoming, and brought back a souvenir. You might want to put on a condom or just carry one with you. I don't think it would work as well if you put the condom on before your date. That's sort of presumptuous.

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