Monday, February 25, 2013

This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things Scorpio

You may have mixed feelings about certain relationship situations in which you find yourself. However, today's position of the planets encourages you to take some time to reflect on what you actually want. You have a tendency to get very involved in your emotions, which often makes it difficult to adopt a detached perspective and see things with clarity. Try to stand back from them today.

While I try not to put too much stock in my horoscope or the signs in general, there are certainly days when I see one that does more than just describe the day I'm already having; It goes beyond that and epitomizes exactly who I am. I'm an introverted extrovert (part of that multiple personality thing) with a nasty emotional streak. It explains so much. From everything I've read about my sign we are a great big, intense, passionate, calculating contradiction. In other words, in the emotional sense, we're a hot mess. Apparently this is why we can't have nice things.

I posted the horoscope on my Facebook account to get a little feedback from my fellow venomous creatures. It seems many of us were doing exactly what the horoscope recommended;  Stepping back, getting some perspective, and trying to put the emotions aside to look at things from a new angle.

Sometimes that perspective is hard to come by. Separating a Scorpio from their emotions is like trying to split an atom without any working knowledge of nuclear fission. We hide our true feelings much of the time, but we always have a feeling, emotion, and internal struggle while we're looking you in the eye.

I spoke with a girlfriend yesterday about a recent relationship decision she had been struggling with. After stepping back and looking from the outside in, she had made the choice to remove herself from the situation entirely. I could feel the pain in her words. "Knowing I did the right thing doesn't make it easier." she said.  "My heart is so guarded it will be awhile before I am able to open up again... I need to get back to my old self, bitch and all." she added. She had found perspective and was on her way to finding her inner bitch. I admire the hell out of her and when she finds her inner bitch again our inner bitches deserve to have a cocktail together!

So if you're out there right now, stepping back, looking for a little perspective, and wondering when it will all come together I'll share a little of what I've learned recently.

You can't see the right one if you're standing still with your eyes closed dreaming about the wrong one. Just like Jello, there is always room for perspective...regardless of your sign. 

On a parting note, for those of you who haven't been blessed enough to date a Scorpio, we might be crazy but I'm told that crazy can be good sometimes...

Sex with Scorpio is a total emotional and physical experience with passion and intensity. They have amazing stamina and can last all night long, round after round. Scorpio is the zodiac sign that is the most likely to act out a sexual fantasy. Most people will talk about it but the Scorpio will do it, they will fully throw themselves into the role. Do not suggest a fantasy to a Scorpio unless you plan to do it! Most Scorpios are direct and forceful and they seem to be an expert at what they do. They continue to seduce you even as the act continues. A thrilling experience not for the faint of heart! Source

Friday, February 22, 2013

Personality Management

Image Source

"I'm beginning to think I can sense your mood depending upon whether Angie Hansen posts as much as Angie Uncovered." 

A good friend sent me that message the other day. He's right to an extent. Being a bit of a social media whore, I have two separate Facebook accounts (personal and blog), two Twitter accounts (personal and blog), a LinkedIn account, a Klout account (measuring my personal FB and my blog Twitter), and I think if I look hard enough I could find my old MySpace page. These multiple accounts are a very good indication of my split personality. It's not diagnosed, but it's there.

My personal account is a bit more tame. My family is there. I try to monitor the content on that account to prevent "those people" from seeing my more inappropriate thoughts and conversations. So perhaps my friend is right, if you see most of my Facebook activity happening on the blog account... it's probably a good indication that I'm letting my slip show a bit.

If you happen to follow me in any of the above venues you're probably thinking, "She has a filter? Huh. Must have big holes in it." You're right for the most part. Much of the time I don't feel unsure enough to censor myself, sure, but it's probably not all that's going on inside my head.

Trying to manage two personalities is hard enough. The third one is becoming a bit of a pain though. She's the one very few people get to see. She's got a very open heart, sometimes she laughs too loud, she cries on occasion, she gets her feelings hurt more than she likes to admit, and she keeps it to herself. She seems to spend more time at the forefront during these cold winter months. SAD is a bitch.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Desperately Seeking Some Inspiration

A few days ago I was talking with Damon from The Six-Fingered Monkey about a post I was writing for SprocketInk about accidents that happen when you're removing the hair down there. One thing led to another and pretty soon we were playing "I'll show you mine if you show me yours". Posts. Show me your post! Get your mind out of the gutt..okay keep it there for a second.

I showed Damon mine. So Damon showed me his... Goodness Gracious, Great Balls of Fire! It's a touching story of a man and his balls and a requested refund on a hair removal product. Immediately I realized I'd read this story before. Last year my friend Brett from over at It Was Dark, Stormy and I Lost My Serial Comma showed me his post (insert wiggling eye brows every time you hear "post") about his advice to men on their grooming habits. One post happened to link to another.

We laughed about our shared story lines, discussed our shared friend, and argued about who really got to call Brett, "my man". Damon had me in the amount of time category. Apparently they have been bromancing for years. For a split second I felt like I might have lost the competition. I'd considered saying "Yeah? Well.... " but had a strange feeling Damon would only have responded with "Me too!" I verified it. He did.  My guys are awesome. They can take any joke and make it worse. You have to appreciate that.

It got me to thinking, where do people get their inspirations for posting? Yesterday, Brett said, "Yikes, I read this and then saw a post on another blog titled I. Am. Itchy. Not the kind of karma I like! I came back to add that the next title I saw was You're Rubbing Me the Wrong Way. Everybody seems to be on the same topic today." I see a lot of great pieces on my blog roll and on Twitter, but between work and home I often feel like my brain is on hiatus.

It seems that many people get their inspiration for posts from the same place, or we've all been spending so much time together in this blogging community that we're regulating our blog cycles. So tell me, how do you choose your topics? Where does your inspiration come from?

Sunday, February 10, 2013

It's a Small Sexual World

Does this chart look familiar to you? If you came of age in the 80s or 90s it should. In the 15 years prior to the AIDS epidemic, multiple partners just meant that you were a tart, whore, playboy, slut, or whatever moniker you most embodied. Hippies were just "free" and so was the love. Sex was simply a matter of self-expression. Ah... hippies.

By the time I made it to Kindergarten sex was back on the naughty list. It was making people sick in a way that a strong dose of penicillin couldn't fix. Add to that the drug epidemic and just like that, the sex stopped and so did the partying. Nancy Reagan solved the world's problems with one slogan. Just Say No. And they did. Just kidding!

To say that a disease or an addiction could wipe out the desire for people to place tab A into slot B is ridiculous. Instead we ended up with people simply doing it anyway and then lying about it later. Some people are like a back alley Ikea they're inserting and screwing so much wood. And true to form, there's always something missing from the package but rather than drive the 5 hours back to Ikea, you just do what you can and go shop for a new piece later.

Things had gone back to the way our grandparents believed it should be. Do it if you have to, but don't talk about and whatever you do, don't get caught. Then along came the Internet. How many times have you been reading something and you think, "I can relate." What about those moments when you're midway through someones description of another person and you say, "Ha! That sounds just like my friend ____." It gets even stranger when you're reading something and you stop mid-sentence and realize, "Oh hell... that actually is my friend ____!"

The Internet is shrinking our sex pool, folks. I blame "You've Got Mail" for this. Couple the Internet with travel, and pretty soon you can't even leave the state or the country for sex without running into someone who slept with someone you slept with. It's not all bad though. Hear me out.

One of the guys at work assures me that this is actually a GOOD thing. Looking at the chart above, if you each had sex with four people then having sex with each other raises your number to 15. Here's where it gets interesting. If you come from a small community, the people you're having sex with probably had sex with the same amount of people you have, but chances are those people overlap.

Jim has sex with Amy who had sex with John who had sex with Karen who had sex with Tom. Chances are, Jim probably already had sex with Karen anyway. Now you can cross Karen off. We're down to 14. Amy probably had sex with Tom before she had sex with Jim, so we can cross Tom off too. Keep crossing off overlapping names until you're down to just the two of you. See? Don't you feel better now?

You can continue to do this until pretty soon no one had sex at all, but you're still pretty exposed, so put on a robe for the love of God. There's always going to be one person in the mix who went outside the community, as small as it's becoming, and brought back a souvenir. You might want to put on a condom or just carry one with you. I don't think it would work as well if you put the condom on before your date. That's sort of presumptuous.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Why Do They Do That?: Sex, Love, and Relationships

My guy friends know pretty much everything about me including the dirty, or not dirty, which is most often the case. It's not for any sexual reason between us. We don't share fantasies or sit around and mentally copulate. I don't know that any of my guy friends are capable of mental copulation without making some sort of "shit was that out loud?" grunting noises or snickering to themselves and then giving me the "you totally know what I'm thinking, right?" look. You know who you are. It's more of the fact that as a group, we've come to realize that when we want the straight dope, the cold hard facts, the "what the hell does that mean?" of figuring out the opposite sex we go to the source.

Sure, some of you evolved folks will say, "Why don't you ask your partner?" The fact is, many of us have partners that do things that even they don't understand. Hell, even I do things I don't understand. Even when I absolutely know I'm doing something in a relationship that is fucking up something I really want, I sometimes do it anyway. My guys are the ones who tell me to knock that shit off, or point out that I'm "x" distance from date 5 and I will screw it up by doing ____, ____, or ____. They're normally right.

So in order to help a few people out, I joined mental forces with some of my guy friends and went in search of answers to some questions. Let's get started.

L wants to know why: He watches TV and can't hear anything else that's going on in the room. 
Here's how I see this one. You're a woman and I know your man. As a mom, we tune out everything except the important noises (Crying or changes in recognized vocal tones). It's very much the same. Children whining, women talking, phones ringing... those things are on a different sound level. I guarantee that if you made a sobbing noise he would look up. Otherwise, if it's important, you have to actually tap them on the shoulder and say, "this is important, otherwise I wouldn't interrupt this most important of events..." Your other option is crying. But do you remember how you got used to the unimportant fake crying? Same result. You might also find friendship with my friend C, who's up next.

C on the wrong side of the pond wants to know why: While I'm engrossed in a football match (soccer to our friends on the wrong side of the pond) that I'm meant to engage in a trivial conversation or meant to take notice of what she is or is not wearing?
If she shows up naked in front of you during a football match, it's best that you pay attention whether you understand why or not. I especially recommend this if you're actually AT a match in public.Well I can only guess she is waiting for a time when you're not preoccupied with work or the many other things you do during the day. OR, and I'm just spit balling here... maybe she knows it annoys you and you know that spending too much time watching football annoys her. Paybacks? General lack of consideration? Regardless, this is one of those situations where you have to compromise. By compromise I mean, wait until she's doing something she really enjoys by herself. Once she's really engrossed, go stand naked in front of her and ask if she notices anything different about your hair. If that still doesn't work, go out of the room and sit right outside the door and cry. Cry loud enough for her to hear. When she comes out and asks what's wrong you simply respond with, "YOU THINK I'M UGLY/FAT/STUPID!" or better yet.... just say, "Nothing. I'm FINE." then dry your eyes and go watch a sappy love story where people really love each other.

K wants to know why: He orders ridiculous things in dive restaurants, like Lobster Thermidor, then complains that it tastes like shit. Every time!
Superiority. Plain and simple. "I'm going to test you because I don't believe you can do it." It's either that or your partner is watching a shit load of Guy Fieri, and thinks that they might just stumble upon something worthy of promoting on their new reality show, "Amazing Food at Shitty Restaurants". Sometimes people like to be able to pick something apart. There are a lot of obvious reasons. Have you ever experienced this at a restaurant you've been to multiple times? Is it primarily your job to choose the restaurant? If it's your job to pick the restaurant and there is ALWAYS a ridiculous choice followed by endless complaints, it might be time to stop choosing the restaurant. If you go to your partner's choice of restaurants and they still pick apart the dish they choose, they are simply a complainer. You can tell them to shut the hell up and stop making stupid choices, but that is a whole different topic for a completely different post (how to confront your partner about being a complainer).

B wants to know why: He springs out of bed and talks non-stop in the morning. Why, for God's sake, why?
Morning people. Ugh. There is not a damn thing that can be said to explain these people. They are weird and freaky and completely beyond comprehension. Get back in bed for 10 minutes, give me some lovin, and shut the hell up, right? They don't get it. They think they are normal. You can't fault them for this. Everyone is different. The real question is, why doesn't your partner understand that you are NOT a morning person. This is one of those things where opposites go wrong and then the person who gets woke up and pissed off attacks. It should be a reality show because I bet it's hysterical if it's not you. Your partner probably just wants to experience the single part of their day where not a single thing has gone wrong yet. Thankfully, they want to include you in that experience. As much as it annoys you, it might be time to adjust your sleep schedule to make homicide less probable. Compromise? Three on, four off?

R wants to know why: He keeps trying to get me to like oral sex. 
It's a challenge. I don't even know if some people that do this actually enjoy the giving as much as they enjoy the challenge of making you enjoy it. I honestly think this is not a sexual thing. It's a matter of pride. "He/She never liked it until ME!" It's like telling your partner you've never liked onions (my personal issue), so they try to feed you onions 30 different ways in 40 different dishes just to prove to you that you will like them as much as they do... if you just try. Maybe you just don't feel comfortable enough with yourself to like onions? (uh... yeah) The problem is that you can't fake your way through this one. If you do, you're destined to get onions on your plate every year for your birthday, Halloween, Christmas, etc. Hey, you pretended to like it. Your fault. Be honest. Be open. Give tips. There are many reasons why people don't like a particular sexual experience. Try to narrow it down. If it's still not you, just be honest. "It's not you. It's not your technique. It's just not something that revs my engine." Be willing to give tips on what DOES rev your engine.

B in the UK wants to know why: She stays with me.
I have often wondered why one person stays with another. I assume it must be love, really good sex, or a lot of money. I recommend looking at your relationship and crossing off the things you DON'T have in those categories. Whichever one is left is what makes her stay. In most cases, I am betting it's love. There is also a chance that you have money you don't know about... you know what I mean? The sort that comes in the form of a life insurance policy with her name as the beneficiary. I don't think this is the reason, but you might be getting your brakes checked soon, eh? ;)

I hope this has been helpful. Just a note, there's a big game on today. If your partner is a fan and you're not... find something else to do. Do not be naked in front of them. It will only end in tears. Also, your partner is probably the only fan in the world with complete control over the outcome of the game and there's a good chance that your distraction could mean disaster to the teams ability to play. 

My Zimbio
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