Saturday, January 19, 2013

Wine Is Bottled.... I Forgot What I Was Saying

I wasn't exactly invited, but I got permission to kick down the door of the man-cave and hangout over at DudeWrite for a bit. I'm taking full advantage of it because they have the best snacks and beer in the fridge! So a big THANK YOU (see it's bigger than the other letters) to the men of DudeWrite, who I'm told will soon be coming out with a naughty calendar.

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When I was a little girl, oh who were we kidding, I was never "little"... anyway, I'm off track already. So way back at the dawn of time, I remember looking in the fridge and seeing a bottle of Mogen David Concord wine in the fridge. It's easy to remember because it was there for 3 years and I opened the fridge a lot. We were not a wine family. Our alcohol inventory held the following:

- Beer (Old Milwaukee- the cheaper the better and less likely to be stolen by your kids)
- Black Velvet (Grandpa liked that at the end of a long day in the field)
- Peach Schnapps (which I am assuming is the same bottle my parents have in their full service bar right now)

Robert Louis Stevenson is quoted as saying, "Wine is bottled poetry." What he failed to mention is that, just like different whiskeys or spirits create different moods, different wines evoke different poetry. I thought that perhaps it was just me. I even went so far as to hide my wine poetry from others because I was ashamed of what it said about me as a person.

Wine is supposed to be sophisticated. Unfortunately, depending on the wine, your poetry might range from sad Sylvia Plath type stuff to dirty limericks. Personally, I've written all sorts of wine induced drivel. Everyone is different and everyone has their "writing" preference. However, there are some commonly held round holes where we can put the respective corks. For example:

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Franzia- It's tag line boasts that it's the most popular wine in the world. Perhaps that's because you have to buy 3 bottles worth at a time, contained in a bag, protected by a box, accompanied by a tap. Slutty girls call themselves popular too. They also have plenty to put out and are cheap and easily accessible. This wine lends itself to people who are looking to get blitzed without counting their glasses. "I only had one (box)", sounds better than, "I only had 15 glasses." This is not poetry. Occasionally you might get a haiku out of a Franzia drinker, but it sure as hell won't be intentional. Notice how the picture even shows tiny plastic cups? Uh huh, pretend you drink your Franzia from a wine glass. I'm not going to tell.

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White- Whites are usually a starter wine. By that I mean, if you've never had wine before, you need to start with a sweet white and work your way through the dry whites to the reds.. etc. Some of you might consider white wine your starter drink of the night. I'm not judging. I do it. Whites are also the carefree, happy, smile-at-everyone wines of the world. You don't often find people kicking anyones ass on a white wine bender. Whites are the Irish Pub poet of the wine world. There will be laughter and winking and a general sense of merriment. The white wine drinker is also more prone to reciting rhymes from back in nursery school and trying to start up a conversation about how nursery rhymes are so weirrrrrrd. This may or may not be followed by the "do you know what I mean?" face and a random grin with wide eyes.

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Red- Ah red. It's the color of love. It signifies passion. It's emotion personified by color. Red wine is the wine of the "Oh my God my life fucking sucks" poet. The stanzas coming from this drinker will cause you to be completely bummed out. This crap usually rivals The Bell Jar. On top of all that, it seems from my research, red wine is the wine most likely to make me others cry when consumed above the recommended amount. Whether we they choose the wine based on the mood I'm they're already in, or the wine chooses me them, anything more than 3 glasses is sure to bring at least one bout of (hopefully) repressed tears. Red wine can also be marked by fits of 'pity me' and long periods of 'no one loves me'. This is drunken Shakespearean poetry at its... um... drunkest. Studies show that more "f*ck you!" and "Why don't you love me?" text messages are sent while the sender is holding a glass of Cabernet. Doubt me all you like, but it's a true story.

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Champagne- This one really depends on if the drinker is buying it on their own or if they are getting it free at a party. Free champagne is rarely good. Good champagne can be a bit spendy. The free sort lends itself most to dirty limericks and wanton flirtations with hints of fun frivolous sex in the office/bar/airport/ bathroom. It doesn't really matter. By the time champagne gets anyone drunk enough to make poor decisions with regard to their genitalia, it's also giving them a headache that only sleep can cure. The only thing harder to get rid of than a nasty champagne headache is that sofa your cats have been sleeping on for 2 years. People who drink expensive champagne usually drink less. Do you know why? Because it's freaking expensive.

Personally, I like to diversify my poetry. My family is very poetic. We like to spread it around. Hell, at Christmas we made this...
Disclaimer- We DID make this, though we didn't drink anywhere close to
this many bottles of wine over the holidays. We like to pretend to though.
Also, notice there's not a Franzia tapper on the wreath. 

So what's your "poison"? What makes you poetic? What's your poetic style?

Tonight's post was brought to you by Pinot Grigio.

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