"I know why you don't." he said. "They tell you what something is and you don't accept it, you read between the lines looking for something that isn't there just because you believe there is more to it." he added.
True to form, I immediately wondered if he was referring to our on again off again flirtations over the years. Why hadn't we ever worked out? Was I so flawed that the idea of trying was incomprehensible? As if on cue he went on to explain. "I don't deserve a girl like you. I'll hurt you. Get it wrong, and because I do care for you and you are a nice person, it would kill me to hurt you and I couldn't live with that. You hurt a mean girl and its like hitting back."
My inner child felt like dying. I started reviewing all of my flaws to determine what the real reason was. It was classic "it's not you it's me." That was obviously not the reason. Was I too fat? Too tall? Too ridiculous? Was I doing it again? SHIT! I was doing exactly what he said I did. I read into it looking for some deeper meaning that didn't exist. I began to look at it from another angle. Do I need to be more cruel? Should I become the woman who lies, belittles, and makes her man wonder from minute to minute if he's good enough? At the same time I wondered how long I could maintain the "bitch" facade. It's inevitable that if the guy were sweet, funny, attractive, and right for me I would end up laughing at his jokes or being genuinely interested. I would end up showing my "decent human" side and ruining everything.
I'm really not cut out for this. I'm just a dork with a soft heart. Where is that on the dating profile?
Personality type= Dorky, quirky, loving, considerate, understanding, and ready. I don't want to control you because controlling myself is enough trouble.
So I decided to fill out a dating profile on Match.com and really see what sort of stuff someone might see when they look me up and undoubtedly want to call me (cough).
|I obviously don't read minds. I've thought I understood every man I loved and I got those wrong so I stuck with books.|
|My true headline should read, "39 Year Old Woman Attempts to Figure Out What the Fuck"|
|I didn't put any sex in there because sex is for grown ups and right now I feel like a child.|
After the basics it began to ask me questions with pictures. There ya go, that made me feel comfortable in a 3 year old sort of way. Angie likes. Angie doesn't like. Oooh something shiny. Ick, bad shoes. Still, I answered. I clicked through as honestly as one can when they don't know what is hotter... the classic businessman belt or the construction worker tool belt. I am pretty sure I did it wrong and don't know what the hell I want except that I can't have it.
I'm going to really try not to over think this thing for a whole month. The very idea that after writing this stuff for others and setting up their accounts I am really going to go live with this makes me want to never open my email or look at the internet again. Life would be great if what I wanted was realistic or actually existed. If any man can show just cause, why I should not join Match.com, speak now or forever hold your... It's time.
Wish me luck.