Friday, November 16, 2012

I’m Possessed

Surprise!  I’m not Angie, at all.  In fact I am your new found Dad blogger doing a guest post for Angie, who happens to be on my blog today.  Confused?  Yeah me too, just think of this a dimensional shift and an opportunity to expand your horizons, here we go…

Well it’s official, I’m turning into my Dad.  Actually I don’t think I am turning into my Dad, I think my Dad’s poltergeist has inhabited my body since he passed away in April.  This has just started recently too so I think  that my Dad has been sitting around in the afterlife, enjoying the quietness that he so desperately craved and got bored.

He looked down or up at me, thinking that it would be fun to have me endure what he endured while he was on this Earth, after all I did live in the same house with him and Mom for 22 years and I know I was not an easy kid to raise.  I know I tortured him growing up, making him go insane with the stunts I pulled (see?  That is something he would have said, it’s happening now).

Sometime in September he figured out a way to inhabit my body because this is when everything started happening.  At least he let me enjoy the summer…kind of. 

I've got more gray hairs than ever before.  I've always had a few strands of salt in my pepper but nothing like this.  I noticed this while I was brushing my teeth, the lights in the bathroom reflected on my hair and as I looked in the mirror, I noticed my hair looked like the cat slept on my head and left his white hairs there.  Well I guess it could be worse, my Dad went bald at the ripe old age of 22 so I dodged that bullet…I hope.
Speaking of hair, I noticed my left ear was always itchy and it felt like something was tickling it.  I ran my finger over the lobe and the hard cartilage part that connects the lobe to ear and I had a fucking forest growing there.  I swear that I was able to see Ewoks celebrating the destruction of the second Death Star that’s how much hair there was.  It’s only my left ear too, not my right one.  I never once thought I would utter the words, “I’ll be back, I need to shave my ear.” to the Trophy.

Of course now I’m paranoid, so I do the quick look over in the mirror and sure as shit there they are, the rogue hairs that my Dad had.  My right eyebrow has this hair that grows freakishly faster than the rest of the hair cluster so I have to pluck it.  If you can’t pluck it, fuck it, that’s what I always say but the Trophy thinks otherwise and I get the “hold still” tweezer attack from her.

I also have to trim my nose hair more often than I did, I mean I've always had to trim that shit but now it’s like once or twice a week.  I remember my Dad having so much nose hair that it would hang down like vines monkeys could swing on.  That shit ain't happening on my watch so I keep my nose hair trimmer charged at all times.

I am complaining about sleeping wrong.  I've stated this before, but how the hell does one sleep wrong?  Well now I know, you sleep and it’s wrong.  Plain and simple.  I wake up and I have to take a pain reliever religiously every day with my vitamins.

I have a recliner.  Well we've owned it for a couple of years now but I rarely used it.  Now I find myself, not only using it but falling asleep in it watching TV and not only falling asleep in it watching TV but wearing slippers and a robe…what the fajita?  I've worn slippers before but these are old man slippers now and a robe?  Damn you Dad.

Although these things aren't that bad and can be taken care of, the worst thing that I have been possessed to do is putter around.  I have never puttered around before, I always had something to do and I did it.  Now I aimlessly roam around the house, the garage and the yard doing miscellaneous tasks.  I am literally looking for things to fix and what’s worse, when I find something that needs to be fixed, I don’t have to go to the hardware store to get the items needed because I have them squirreled away (fuck, another Dadism) in the shed or the garage.  I have been reluctant to throw things away because you never know when I might need it.

Sonofabitch, I need an exorcism.

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