Wednesday, November 14, 2012

I Want to Get Married. Maybe. I Think.

I want to get married.

Calm down. Breathe. I'm not talking about you, probably. I'm not even talking about this week... or month. It's just something I think you should know about me before we take this to the next level. Coincidentally, the next level is when I tell you that I want to get married. All commitment issues aside, I do.

I've done it before. It was a long time ago in a land far, far away. I was very young and probably not nearly as good of a wife as I could have been or tell myself that I was. I was certainly not as good of a judge of character as I am now. Maybe. Shit, scratch that. I'm still not very good at spotting the douche bag when it comes to my own choices. I can spot yours a mile away though! Get with me, we'll talk. Anywhoooo, my first marriage doesn't count.

1. I was pregnant.
2. He never actually asked me to marry him.
3. We got all 3 rings for $38.50 and $8.50 of it was for rush shipping.
4. You don't even buy perfume without seeing what the chemistry is like! Same. Same.

I used to have this grand, princess-like idea of how marriage would be. Even post divorce I imagined myself to be on the path to one day becoming a trophy wife. Unfortunately, as it turned out what I was thinking of was "kept woman" and those two things are not exactly the same.

It has now become painfully obvious that I will never be the trophy wife I had hoped to become. That realization was rather disheartening considering I'd been practicing blinking with a fake smile plastered on my face (Botox, Restylane,  and Juvederm would make it easier). I worked on spending money and got pretty good at it when the economy was with me. I even had a list of the charities I would support. Alas, it just doesn't seem to be panning out. 

This is not to say that I won't be a prize for some guy, but it's unlikely that I'll become a bombshell who has amazing brand new boobs, no physical flaws, and learns to keep her opinions to herself. That part seems almost impossible. So I've been examining my options.  

1. Trophy wife to a really old guy
I think it would go down something like this, "Hey, Burt! Look what I got! They didn't have cash at Bingo today, but I got this really cool trophy wife instead."

Pros- I could still voice my opinions without fear if I stole the battery from his hearing aid.

Cons- It's a really old guy from a bingo parlor. 

2. "Thanks for participating ribbon" wife to a guy who couldn't get the girl he really wanted. 
Life has worn him down and he is just ready to have someone in bed with him at night so he doesn't have to be alone.

Pros- He's already broken.

Cons- Marrying someone who is openly settling means you're settling. No one likes that.

3. Great sex - Low expectations - Separate lives
I'd be willing to give this a try. I'm pretty good at the separate lives thing already.

Pros- Great sex and low expectations.

Cons- I'm not seeing a con here... yet.

4. Traditional plan
This is where you join clubs and meet people and at some point, someone asks you out more than twice. You like him. He likes you. Sex is mediocre, but at least you make each other laugh. After a suitable amount of time set by his mother (likely), you get engaged and eventually married.

Pros- Friendship. Regular mediocre sex... or not because you don't care. Practicality. Historically, the more boring the marriage the longer it will last (I just made that up).

Cons- Mediocre sex. Practicality often seems like lack of passion.

I'm sure I'm missing some options (like love), but right now option 3 is looking better and better.

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