Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Nudity and Advice. Promises Kept.

Let's just get this out of the way right now. I promised some things last week that I didn't deliver on. I'll make my excuses now and get on with it. I got an impromptu side job and pretty much blew my blog off in the process. I am a horrible blog owner. I should probably be beat with a stick. I'm sorry. Here's your nudity...
Everyone wants to spoon. No one wants to fork. 
Now that I've delivered on at least one promise, I'll move on to something I know absolutely nothing about. Let's talk about how I have no idea why people would ask me for relationship advice, shall we? Yes, let's! 

Do you know me? If you've been here more than twice you probably do. I'm a bit of an open book when it comes to my failings, successes (lol), and the like. You would think that anyone who knows me in real life would know me a little bit better. Well, as it turns out, that's probably not true. Some people in my real life still feel compelled to ask me advice on their love lives and dating situations. I'm not sure if the joke is on me or on them. 

So let's get this part straight. I am incredibly good at establishing relationships. Do you want to know how to get him or her to notice you? Ask me. Do you want to know how low cut your shirt should be to catch an eye but not garner disgust and nasty glares from the other girls when you go out? Ask me. Do you want to know how to how to create the perfect smokey eye? Ask Becca.

When it comes to lasting relationships I am probably not your "go-to" girl. If you're looking for a fountain of wisdom on how to get your ex to want you back, it's highly unlikely that I would be your first choice in filling your relationship advisory council, if you know what I mean. That being said, I'll address two questions I've encountered this week. If they apply to you, you can do one of two things.

1. Take my advice and fly by the seat of your pants.
2. Do exactly the opposite and let me know if the results are different for you than for me.

Q. How do I get over my ex? 
A. Cry at home in your room. No one wants to see you being sad. Do not date other people for at least a year. Everyone can smell the desperation on you the moment you walk into the room. You can't transfer love by insertion. If you're going to have sex, have sex, but don't mislead yourself or the other person that it's anything more than it really is. Get a hobby. You know what you could do? You could write a blog. That's what the cool people are doing.

Q. How do I get the man/woman of my dreams to see that I'm not like all other men/women?
A. For starters, don't ever tell anyone that you're not like everyone else. You're unique... just like everyone else Snowflake. The person of your dreams won't need you to tell them you're different and worth their time. If they do... your dreams suck. You go out and be you. The person of your dreams will see you being a dork and will love you for being a dork. Any time a man has ever said to me, "I am not trying to get in your pants." it turned out he was trying to get in my pants. I would feel the same now if some guy told me, "Hey girl (that's for you, Bill), I'm not like the other guys." The most genuine people I know have said to me, "Listen, I want to get in your pants." Then I laughed at them and we became great friends that never had sex. So if you'd like to never have sex again, this is also good advice.

If you're looking to find that perfect aging playboy bunny with a slight limp and a glass eye, my friend Rook can hook you up. I'm told his methods are questionable but reliable all the same.

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