Saturday, October 27, 2012

Allow Me to Age Myself

Does anyone know which wine goes best with egg whites and turkey bacon? Me either, but I settled for the pinot grigio. Tonight's post is brought to you by the maker's of Dude Write, and my personal sponsor in this epic Battle Royale (and life itself), Scott of It's My Mynd. So Pinot in hand, I bring you.... That's when I knew I was old.

Next month I will be 39. For those of you who haven't done the math thing in awhile, that's almost 8 hands worth of years. It's almost 4 decades. It's 11 years short of a half century. Just so you know, I'm not dwelling on it. I went out and bought some ultra low rise jeans the other day just to make sure I could still rock them. I not only rocked them, but if they were a concert, they would have had their own back stage passes! Okay, maybe I am exaggerating that last part. Still, I'm not sweating it. I've got a full year before I begin my breakdown. I'm going to go ahead and embrace this midlife crisis with both arms, in a bear hug, and maybe a little tongue action on the kiss.

There are a few things that warned me that I might be approaching "that age". I've held up okay over the years. To look at me you wouldn't guess me a year over 37. I credit moderate drinking for my lazy smile and my ability to look moderately cute when confused. Who needs all those brain cells right? Also, I have never been able to cultivate a good drug habit to give me that sunken and sad 90's Calvin Klein look. Fat fills out the wrinkles, ya know? Yet, there are things that gave me pause and made me wonder, "Angie? Are you getting older?" Here are a few examples:

What I don't have enough of.
1. The other day I went in for a standard check up. Things looked great. My blood pressure was low and they had to check twice to make sure I wasn't dead. My liver functions were dandy. My reflexes were sound. My hematocrit was above normal. However, when everything is going good, something is bound to screw it up. "Your protein is low. At our age (said the nurse, who just went to her 30th high school reunion), we should consider eating more yogurt, fish, spinach, and nuts. Oh, and you might consider taking an iron supplement." I advised the nurse (who is cool as hell) that if she started talking about bowel movements I was out of there.

Image Source
2. I recently purchased the Samsung Galaxy S3. I love it! As part of my vow to never lie to you kids, I will tell you that my first reason for choosing it was that the virtual keyboard is easier to use than the iPhone. With Swipe technology I don't even have to know what I'm trying to type and it figures it out. That ended up not mattering a lot because I found a case, screen protector, data cable, and STYLUS online for $10. That's right. I said stylus. I am that old lady you see writing on her smart phone with a pen. It's cool as hell and almost makes me forgive myself for letting technology make me it's bitch.

10 Points that will earn you nothing...
3. For Halloween this year I was asked to send out a company wide email informing everyone that we would be catering lunch and having a costume contest. At fifty dollars to the top 4 costumes, I couldn't help but to be a little excited. I thought back to my favorite scary movie moments of all time, and decided on my costume. Joan Crawford topped the list (and also provided the perfect costume for moisturizing all day long and not caring how I looked). As I was excitedly telling one of the staff about my costume I said, "All I have to do is show up in face cream with a coat hanger and yell 'NO WIRE HANGERS EVER!' and I'm good." The staffer gave me the blankest look I've seen since I asked my son if he knew at which hand of God Jesus sat. Clueless. Five points to you if you know which hand. Ten points if you know the movie.

Except in front of a less fancy house.
4. In the last year I have had one of my children tell me they are getting married and one of them got a driver's license and bought a car. Both of my kids have jobs, one of them still lives with me because they want to, and one of them made a political comment on my Facebook account. Add to that, one of my kids works in my office. Add to that I just got my very first old person (early) Christmas gift. My someday-son-in-law just bought me a snow blower. My response was, "Oh, AWESOME! Now if you can teach Jacob (my son) to use it Christmas will be complete!"

Of course that isn't all. There are many things that tell my age. Things like...
- I can tell the difference between Pica and Elite.
- I remember what it's like to play cops and robbers.
- I played kick-the-can and Ghosts in the Graveyard.
- I know who Robert Downey Jr. was before he was Sherlock Holmes or Iron Man and before he was a junkie, but played one.
- I understand the reference to "gag me" and don't think it's sexual.
- I find it hard to think of Patrick Dempsey as Dr. McDreamy because I still see him in Loverboy.
- I remember Facts of Life, Little House on the Prairie, Arnold before he was the sperminator, why Frank never wants a second cup at home, and where Lolly can get her adverbs.
- I know the best way to rewind an unspooled cassette tape.
- I know what a 45 adapter looks like.

What are your memorable "WOW! I am that old!" Moments? 

Now while the iron is still hot... go vote

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