Sunday, September 30, 2012

Vaginas for Jesus and other Dennyisms

We've officially entered birthday season in my family. My brother tried to kick things off with a birthday at the end of July, but it didn't stick. The rest of us fall between the end of September and late November. This past weekend we found ourselves gathered together to celebrate a few of those memorable occasions. I'll start this by saying a big happy birthday to my baby sister, Jeana, my sister in law Christina, my brother in law Denny, and my wonderful mother.

It was predicted to be the party to end all parties (drinking until you begged God to just kill you). I headed home to Iowa to hold my sister's hair so she could vomit after too much while celebrating for her 30th. The day began with shopping for shoes without heels, because we'd worn heels and decided that the lengthy day would be best served in flat shoes. I am not capable of buying shoes without a heel. I looked and looked, but couldn't find a damn thing. Instead, I fell in love with these. I thought, what better shoe to have when you need to really dig into the ice? Warm, gives the ass a nice lift, and check out the soles on those babies. Hot! 

After deciding that very few people in my group would appreciate the beauty of these weapons hiking boots, I left them on the rack and proceeded to make my way with the girls down the strip mall to the various stores. 

The rest of the day proceeded as planned. Shopping was accomplished, drinks and snacks were consumed, and our feet were properly pedicured. By the time we finished with our family and friends dinner at Red Lobster, it was clear that the birthday girl would be having none of the party she had planned. The last great quote of the night was, "Julie, if you want to bar hop on the way back you can, but I'm staying in the truck." Alas, a bit of partying the night before had rendered our birthday girl down for the count before 8 PM. Turning 30 is a cruel joke. You still look young, but your recovery is much slower. 

There is still fun to be had though! From the folks that brought you "He laid his wiener on it" I give you the Dennyisms of the weekend and other fun stuff. 

Vaginas for Jesus- My mother is a proud member of the First United Methodist Women of Southwest Iowa (long name, eh). My brother in law has decided the name of the group should be shortened and changed to Vaginas for Jesus. We are waiting to see if Mom will call for a vote to change the name at their next meeting. 

Angie's G-Spot- I drive a G6. I cannot imagine how this came up in conversation, but apparently before I got to town Denny made a comment about how I drive a G-spot. For the record, if my G-spot were big, gray, and had 4 wheels it would be a hell of a lot easier to find. 

New Smooth Spot- Three times over the weekend my attention was called to a very small strip of highway between my parent's house and town. When you come from a small rural community words like "our new strip of smooth road" and "the new smooth spot" are immediately identifiable. Apparently, it's very exciting when the county lays down $85K worth of smooth black top on the road. I would like to know what it will take for them to fix the rest of the freakin' hi-way. 

Council-Tucky- Let me preface this with the fact that I don't know many, if any, people who are actually FROM Kentucky. I'm sure they are wonderful people, but the mention of the state itself brings to mind images of hill-folk with missing teeth and a fierce love of Nascar. The place we did our shopping is lovingly (ahem) referred to as Council-Tucky. You are 10x more likely to run into a person wearing a Nascar shirt and missing teeth as you are to run into someone like my people. We tend to look like a cross between LA and the Jersey Shore (my sister carries a giant can of aerosol hairspray just in case). We wear the latest fashions, and many of us wear heels even when the weather isn't appropriate. There are times when it would certainly be wiser to dress like a Counciltuckian. 

That's about all I have for the weekend recap. I'll be over at Sprocketink tomorrow, so come and check it out and see what fun we have over there! 

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