Wednesday, September 12, 2012

The Nutrisystem Dating Plan

The acid burned my esophagus and I recognized that familiar feeling of nausea as my mouth began to water and my head started to spin. Mentally, I noted that it was probably lunch time, and checked the monitor clock to find that it was 11:30. The angry conversation that my stomach was attempting to have with me served to further confirm the fact.

"Oh shut up." I said aloud, to myself, once again using the wrong inside voice.  

Realizing I had once again forgotten to bring lunch, and being too uninspired to even choose a fast food restaurant to satisfy my needs, I made my way to the break room and opened the Nutrisystem cabinet. In an attempt to jump on the "nutritionally balanced" wagon, our boss had signed up for the Nutrisystem food delivery program the year before, and much of the system still existed in the office kitchen. I browsed the selections and pulled the BBQ Beef and Beans with Rice from the shelf. 

The picture on the site shows what the meal was supposed to look like. It in no way resembled the item inside the microwave package. Not even close, actually. I will tell you this much; I discovered the secret to Nutrisystem weight loss. When you feel like your throat has been cut, have no desire to think, and even less desire to eat... it tastes pretty good. What made it even better was that I had absolutely zero expectations of it having flavor.

That's how it's been lately. I eat because it's time. Food doesn't have much flavor. Nothing is exciting. I've been in a bit of a funk and it's tying my stomach in knots. It just doesn't seem worth the effort. I'm pretty sure it's related to penises and those who own them. I can say that right? Sure I can. It's my blog and I'll say what I want, dammit.

Rather than dwell on the lack of understanding I have for the opposite sex, I've decided to apply this diet theory to dating. Is there such a thing as zero expectation dating? It's sort of like food isn't it? Even when you aren't sure about the flavor, you hope it will at least be hot. Right? No? Maybe I'm spending too much time with my guy friends.

Speaking of which, tomorrow or the next day or Saturday or, I'm going to address a situation a few of my male readers have broached with me on the sidelines. Men, breakups, and getting back in the saddle... or in this case, getting someone back on the saddle. Stay tuned. I'll probably be ostracized by both my guy friends and my girl friends. Should be fun! 


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