Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Office Tips for Newbs

Welcome to the office, Newbs! Its fall, which means all of those high school and college grads are flowing into the workplace. It's understandable that not everyone grasps the rules of office employment. Below is a list of very important tips for those who are entering the office life for the first time, or even for those who have worked there for a while now and don't understand why they haven't received that promotion they've been aiming for. You may wish to print this and hand it out at meetings. 

1. Hickeys are not an accessory.
Remember back in high school when your parents offered your boyfriend/girlfriend extra food so they would stop chewing on your neck? Hickeys were stupid and looked disgusting then. They are completely unprofessional and revolting now. Have some class. This is the real world where your future is influenced by the people you meet on the way up. You look like a whore. There are a few positions in your future, but I doubt any of them are corporate.

2. Dress like a grown up.
This is an office, not a fitness club. No yoga pants. Maybe they are black or dark grey, but they are not slacks/dress pants. We don't allow men to come in in black sweat pants. You are not allowed to wear yoga pants on business casual days. Also, there is NO day when we should be able to see your under garments. White under white is almost as bad as black/red/blue under white. Your underwear playing peek-a-boo with the top of your pants isn't acceptable either. Learn to dress.

3. You can afford to contribute to the pot luck.
"It's so expensive to feed a crowd!" Yeah yeah. I see you with the Jimmy Johns every day. We're asking you to make a salad or an appetizer. You don't need to roast a pig for us. We have pot luck professionals that will out do any grand attempt you make. Stop whining about the cost and make a jello mold or something, ya lazy ass.

4. If you don't bring anything for the pot luck, you don't eat.
Everyone forgets sometimes. If you're a chronic offender, everyone knows your name. Don't be a lazy mooch. Also, we have paper plates and plastic silverware. No one here is worried about that. We provide those things out of the main budget. You're bringing something we already have. Lame.

5. Your broken heart isn't an excuse to call off.
Broken hearts blow. There's no easy fix. Do you know what I recommend? Going to work. What are you going to do at home? You'll sit there and cry. Then you'll eat junk food in some misguided attempt to fill the void that your lover has left. Then you'll get fat and be sadder. Eventually, that will increase your illnesses and likely your use of our insurance plan. That raises everyone's rates. Then we like you less. Don't make us like you less.

6. You won't be here. We don't care why.
Just stop talking. We get it already. If you have a valid excuse (death, illness, etc) we simply need the very short version. The more you talk the more we are irritated that your absence is going to screw with everyone's schedule and deadline.

7. Children should be seen and not heard.
We don't mind you putting up pics of your kids. We do, however, get sick of hearing about them. Don't blather on. If you want to do that shit, get a blog.

8. The bathroom is not your personal phone booth. 
If I had a dollar for every time I have walked into the ladies room and straight into a verbal confrontation between some lady and her man I would have enough to get two pumpkin spice lattes. It doesn't sound like a lot, but have you been to Starbucks lately? Take that business to the car on your break.

9. Save the pretty fonts and colors. 
In the name of all that is good and holy. I received an email today from a staffer that had 3 colors and the most God awful curly handwriting font in the signature. The body of the email was done in hot pink. If you expect me to take your request for my toilet paper, hand towels, soap, copies, or insurance paper work seriously you will use either black or dark blue on a white background in a plain font. I don't want something that looks like it was written in crayon by someone who just learned how to write in cursive. Often these emails have to be escalated. Remember that.

10. Above all, don't be the reason for new rules. 
Many offices begin their lives with very lenient policies. There is a hope that since adults are being hired that adult behavior will be adhered to. When you notice there is a lax policy on attendance, dress code, time usage, etc... try to follow the rules of common courtesy. We don't have a lot of rules. We create them as they become necessary. If you're the reason for the rule, you will find yourself very unpopular.

I hope these tips will help you become well liked in your current work place. If you obey all of these rules and people still don't like you, it might be you. 

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