Thursday, August 23, 2012

The Best Laid Plans: I'm behind on my marriages

Kari: I can't believe it's been 12 years since you got divorced. 

Me: And no one wants to marry me you mean? I know! I am marriage material dammit! What?! I AM!!! I should have a few divorces under my belt by now! I am such a failure! (cork popped, wine pouring) 

Can I be honest with you? I really had planned to be married again by now. I'm not keeping score or anything....but the score is: 
Me - 1 
EveryGodDamnedOneElse - 2 or more 

Okay, okay, not everyone is on marriage 2 or better. Some aren't even on one. Some don't care. Some do, but pretend they don't. Some will stop at nothing to change the status of their tax filing. Me? Given this 12 year gap in marking the married box, I don't think about it all that much. Maybe a little. A little more than I should. (sobbing) I am supposed to be on marriage two of three dammit! Here's how I pictured it going down:

Marriage One: The Love Marriage (young, dumb, and unstoppable)
There isn't anything anyone can tell you to make you change your mind. He's got a prison record? So what? He's cheated on you? It's okay. Major drug problem? Totally fixable. You're getting married because you're in love. ~swoon~ F*ck what everyone says! They don't know you! 
I'll spare you the statistics here. We all know how scary the numbers are. You can make cute babies with Marriage One, but chances of staying together are slim. 

Marriage Two: The Money Marriage (practicality prevails)
You've been divorced awhile now and you know what's important. Paying your bills is important. Not wondering every month where you'll get grocery money is important. Being able to put shoes on your kids is important. This is the time to find husband two; the money maker. This guy is practical. It's best to make sure he's also likable, because you need to keep him around. You're not due for the next husband until much later in life. Choose wisely. You're going to be going through your sexual peak during this phase and having someone to share that joy with is important. 
Statistically, second marriages have an even higher failure rate than the first. This husband could leave you for someone younger or maybe even work himself into an early grave. You just never know. 

Marriage Three: The Companionship Marriage (I don't want to die alone)
While love is grand and money is handy, marriage three is about something more akin to grabbing hold of the flotsam as the Titanic of life slow slips into the depths. There you are, laying all still, holding Jack's hand (because he's the man and therefore deserves to freeze to death), clinging... because you don't want to face the cold night in the water, or in this case your golden years, alone. You want someone who can watch the same shows on TV that you do, or shut the hell up if he doesn't like them, or better yet... goes in another room entirely. Marriage Three takes you to church, if you do that sort of thing. He probably whittles wood on the front porch. You will probably have separate bedrooms because he snores. Make sure he is okay with holding your wicker purse when you're at the craft show. 
We don't need statistics for this one. You're probably going to outlive him, but by that time you won't care too much. You'll be really cantankerous and most people won't want to be around you anyway. You can now go back to watching Wheel of Fortune and tending your growing collection of stray cats, dogs, birds, or whatever creature you've been allowing in the house. 

These aren't hard and fast rules, just guidelines. My way isn't the right way for everyone. I'm certain some of you have perfectly lovely first marriages. I'm also quite sure one or two of you isn't collecting furry creatures for company.  However, I'm getting up there in age. I'm going to have to hurry up if I am going to get all three worked in before the big dirt nap. 

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