Thursday, August 30, 2012

Sex, Ladders, and Simplification

"Guy friends are the best. When they throw you a slick pick up line they will let you hit them while they laugh."  - Me

Yeah, but they mean the pickup line. They are testing the sex waters in which they hope to swim. -Stephen

Ha, perhaps in a few cases, but my guy friends know that they are just standing on the shore. That's why it's fun. - Me

In order to prove his point, Stephen shared the Ladder Theory with me. Basically, this theory states that men want to sleep with all women, therefore, they place women on a ladder based on their level of desire to bone her. All women make the ladder, though some cling to the bottom rung. Depending on the woman's appearance and level of willingness, she moves up or down the ladder. This effectively ends any chance of a woman having a heterosexual male as a non-sexual friend.

Women, on the other hand, only care about appearance and money. We might claim to care about other things, but we really don't. Also, women have two ladders. One is the good ladder, where we place men we'd like to have sex with. The other ladder is for "just friends". We place men on either one or the other, no exceptions. Ladder jumping is a very rare occurrence if it even exists. Women are also deceptive and will lead men to believe they have been placed on the good ladder, even when there isn't a snow ball's chance in hell of that ever happening. While slightly more complicated than the male, single-ladder setup, it's still fairly simplistic in design. 

My head was swimming with all the information I'd absorbed (not really) so I decided I should take a few moments to discuss it with my trusted associates. Is it all really that simple? Here are a few things my advisers feel should be noted.

Men's comments:
1. Play the emotions. Weddings, funerals, life tragedies... these are all opportune times for men to try to make the jump. "At weddings there is always one girl crying in the bathroom who drank too much, feels fat, or isn't loved. Then it's just nice shoes. Let's f*ck. Come on, let's fuck it off." - The 3 H's (Haynes-Hicks-Horton... or as they prefer to be called, Happy-Horny-Hold'er Down.) 

In this case I was told to think Wedding Crashers. "Perhaps play a little game called just the tip, just for a second, just to see how it feels."

2. "If you don't know which ladder you're on, you're on the friends ladder." -Troy 

I have to agree with Troy on this one. If I have placed a man on the good ladder, he will not have to wonder about it. I think this is what makes it very difficult to understand when a I hear a man complain that he doesn't know where he stands. Women might not verbally say, "I'm never going to sleep with you", but the words are being spoken loud and clear anyway (usually - gold diggers and opportunists are the exception here).

Women's comments:
1. We actually do care about personality. It doesn't matter what you look like or how much you make if you are a douche. A great smile might get you dinner, but you won't even get to first base if that's all you have in your arsenal. 

2. All men go on the friend ladder first. Jumping is more frequent than you know, in both directions. 

3. There is a third ladder men like to pretend doesn't exist. "I do agree that men only have a single ladder.  But I disagree that women only have 2 ladders, there is the very important 3rd ladder which consists of “done him – did that”.  On the 3rd ladder are men you have had sex with, and would rather have your legs grafted together than to even consider a second go round.  The men on this ladder proved themselves so rotten in bed, having neither talent, or the ability to learn basic skills.  He is so bad that you would consider sending a card of sympathy to anyone he is dating.  You can not keep him on as a Lover and he disgusts you so much that there is no possibility of friendship." - Dawn 

I would like to add to this that completely asinine behavior will move you right to the unspeakable 3rd ladder.

After getting such great feedback from my office pros I felt it was only right to reach out to my readers. How do YOU Ladder? 

Over to you! 

1 comment:

Sandra said...

OMG. Angie, all this time I've been trying to leave you comments, with no luck. Like for months! I get your posts sent directly to my email so I read them from there. I guess I can't comment when I go that route. I physically typed in your URL and TA-DA, here I am! FINALLY!
Ok, I am dying to leave a comment on this one, thus the leg work involved!
1. I think you and Stephen are a much cooler version of Harry and Sally.
2. I love and agree with Troy's comment.
3. I think anytime anyone can use the word 'douchebag' in a sentence, I feel a connection to that person.

My Zimbio
Top Stories