Monday, July 9, 2012

Angie Answers: Is it okay to take my kid to a strip club?

Dear Angie,

I've been planning to take my kids on vacation this summer and just can't figure out where to go. Do you have any suggestions?

Sincerely,
Get Us Out Of Here

Alright, this one is totally made up, but I'm posting it anyway because my weekend proved to me that some parents just don't think this through. 

Here's a list of places the kiddies might enjoy: 
1. Disney Land or World (take your pick)
2. Universal Studios (take your pick)
3. Six Flags (take your pick)
4. Camping
5. Yosemite
6. Sea World
7. The shore (take your pick)
8. Rafting (the spring thaw is over so it's relatively safe)
9. The Grand Canyon
10. Grandma's house

Here is a list of places your kids absolutely do not belong.
1. Strip Clubs (self explanatory)
2. Bars (self explanatory)
3. Casinos (self explanatory)
4. Las Vegas (uh... WTF people)

Did you really have so few options for vacay that you felt the Vegas strip was the best you could do for family time with the little angels? It advertises itself as Sin City for the love of God! When some place lives by the motto that "what happens here stays here" you really should pause for a moment and think about what you're about to do.

Save your looks of disdain. I don't go to Disney Land and ruin your fun. Vegas manages to combine all of the above things (plus a few others) into a few miles of drunken debauchery. It's like a moving titty bar with street side booze vendors! When I see you wearing your 3 foot long whale bone margarita container that is so heavy you need a shoulder strap to carry it and you have your children in tow, I really want to slap you. When it's 1:30 in the morning I want to punch you.

As it turns out, my friends like to say sexual things for no real reason except to say them. It's like a Vegas version of Tourette Syndrome. To be honest, it's a bit contagious. By the time we were into full on party mode I was just as inappropriate. Unfortunately, every time I felt like saying something really naughty, it would fly from my mouth just as some parent walked by with their child... in the casino, in the bar area in the casino, on the strip, etc. 

Aside from the vulgar language (ours) and the gluttony that surrounds the place, we saw all of the basic atrocities. There were skin tight clothes on people who shouldn't ever wear skin tight clothes and shorts so short that I'm sure the girls wearing them had a hefty bill just for Monistat each month. Just sitting at one of the venues outside Caesar's we saw more crotch than the average gynecologist's office.

The guys fully adopted the Vegas stare. Apparently it doesn't matter what you're looking at or who, you never look up further than the breasts. I was told that it's acceptable... so I started doing it too. On Saturday I pulled up a chair next to them and just watched boobs as they went by. Fake, fake, real, real fake, WTF, is that a man, fake, fake.

So to the 500 or so people we saw dragging their kids up and down the strip and through the casinos, I don't care how the tourism board was promoting it; Vegas is not a family destination (unless everyone is over 18). Those of you who are thrill seekers can find an adventure park without the Vegas atmosphere. Sure, you won't likely find giant whale bone margaritas, but if that's the point of your vacation, maybe you should leave the kids home.

1 comment:

Sandra said...

You've just convinced me that Vegas would be a very good home for me and my bodily parts touretttes. But if there are kids there, never mind.

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