Saturday, June 9, 2012

Sinful Saturday

Property of my sister. 

I promise myself every weekend that I will sleep in. Unfortunately with age comes the feeling that if you don't get up and do something you might just waste the day. Weekends are too short to be taken advantage of. Even when I do an extended weekend get away I am up early and ready for the next part of the adventure. That being said, I am T minus 27 days from Vegas. In preparation for the trip, I am spending the next few weekends participating in Sinful Saturdays... and possibly Sundays weather permitting.

My list of sins will be as follows: 
1. Abusing my sleep cycle. 
As my sister proved last weekend with the picture above, you cannot drink all day if you don't start in the morning. However, I cannot drink all day. My kids wouldn't like that so much. Besides that... there is lawn care that must be done on the weekend. Yes, I have able bodied teens living in my house, but I love the satisfaction that comes from getting up early and annoying the holy hell out of them when I mow next to their windows. It's a pleasant feeling akin to a really funny joke that makes you laugh on the inside and then bubbles to the surface. 

2. Abusing my skin.
Any dermatologist can tell you that my plans are not healthy. Your body is a temple and should be treated as such. Unfortunately, my temple is not quite golden. I will spend every free sunny weekend in the middle of my lawn (the back yard... not the front. I'm not ghetto trash) baking in the sun, just like in the olden days (60s - 80s). I have a couple of bottles of bronzing gel from the place where I used to tan. It's going to be put to good use. I don't plan to get Tan-Mom bronze, but just enough so that the bits that show aren't whiter than cake flour. For the most part, I still believe that if you can't tone it you should tan it.  I am one day in and already a pleasant shade of garden tomato. 

3. Abusing my ears. 
The plan is to listen to all the crap music I love, whilst toasting myself in the Easy Bake Oven of life. You can count on hearing things like: Adam Lambert, The Black Keys, Adele (because I like feeling bitter), Dr. Hook, Florence and the Machine, Jessie J, Matchbox 20, Gorillaz, Afghan Whigs, Ke$ha, Head East, Panic at the Disco, Christina Aguilera, and even, dare I say it, some Britney Spears. Go ahead and make faces. I don't care and if you don't like it you should stay out of my yard.

4. Abusing my liver. 
Vegas promises to be full of indulgence. My liver is not trained for multi-day drinking. Occasionally I'll get some 2 in a row days when I am home for the weekend, but aside from that I tend to keep it to 1-2 days in the span of a week and rarely two in a row. My liver is a sprinter. It does not do marathons. Any time I have tried to run the marathon of drinking I've ended up on my ass for a week solid following. I get all lazy and I start to lie to myself about when the next time will be that I lace up my running shoes and get my fat ass back on the treadmill. It's not pretty. The carbs are uncountable. The guilt is immeasurable. In order to prepare for the Vegas crowd, I will be slowly torturing my liver a little more each weekend to build tolerance. Call it what you like, but you don't know these people. They are professionals. I refuse to be the sad girl asking someone to hold her hair while she vomits on the strip.

5. Abusing my mind. 
I admit it. I purchased Fifty Shades of Grey. If you can get past the really crappy writing, I'm told there is plenty of smut to be had. What better way is there to pass the day sun bathing than to read smut? My friend Kristy and I used to sneak-read smut when we were kids, so I consider this just educational really. As a single woman of the new millennium, I need to know what's changed. To be honest I got 2 chapters into 50 Shades and wondered if it was a college student's piss poor excuse for "What I Did on My Summer Vacation". I am thinking of doing a key word search for dirty words in order to get me by.

Thus far I am five for five. I don't know if I will be able to do #4 again tomorrow, but the others are definitely on my "to do" list.







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