Monday, June 11, 2012

I'm not a bitch. I have a disorder.

Angie 2.0v3B says:
 I've been spending my day doing reports and researching what sort of personality disorder I have.

Becca says:
 Shut up. You do not have a personality disorder.

Angie 2.0v3B says:
 Look at this.
 This is me. 

Becca says:
 Honey that's not you. That's an exaggerated (HIGHLY) version of you, but not you. 
 I love you though, and your Munchhausen's.

Remember when we used to just be quirky? I felt so much better about myself when I was just your ordinary quirky girl with a little bad relationship baggage. Now I know that it's far more dire than I'd once believed. Apparently I need a shitload of therapy. As I browsed the list of possible malfunctions I might have, I was torn between being narcissistic, histrionic, or avoidant. I chose histrionic because I felt the theatrical definition seemed more glamorous, and I know how important being glamorous is to me. I mean really, have you met me? I scream glamour. Sometimes I whisper it, but screaming seems to give me more attention so I do that usually.

I blame daytime talk shows for my heightened awareness of my disorders. I can't afford proper therapy so I have to figure myself out in other ways. It's become unfashionable to just be bummed out, bitchy, and selfish. These days I have to have a disorder to validate my mood swings. Now if I am bummed out for too long I am clinically depressed. If I'm selfish I'm probably suffering from narcissistic personality disorder. Even my plain old bitchy days have been renamed. You don't get to have plain old PMS anymore. PMS has branched out depending on your level of irritability and emotional whiplash

Let's look at Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder: Five or more of the following symptoms must be present to diagnose PMDD, including one mood-related symptom:

Disinterest in daily activities and relationships- I'm not interested. I'm not going to lie. Most of the time I couldn't give a shit less. Relationship wise I suppose I'm in one where we say "I don't know what this is", which is not really a relationship at all then is it?

Fatigue or low energy- Maybe it's because of my horrible diet or the fact that I try to squeeze in a minimum of one hour of cardio plus 15-20 minutes of toning a day. I also get up at 6 AM. By 11 PM I am freaking exhausted.

Feeling of sadness or hopelessness, possible suicidal thoughts- I haven't been suicidal in almost a decade. Abusive relationships tend to do that.

Feelings of tension or anxiety- Judging by the extreme pain between my shoulder blades and the soreness of my jaw, I'm going to guess this is an affirmative. I find myself tense and anxious 90% of the time.

Feeling out of control- Of course I feel out of control. The people I know who feel they are able to control every aspect of their life are in even worse shape than me. I just accept that all I can do is my best and whatever happens will happen. Sure I freak the fuck out once in awhile, but I think most people do.

Food cravings or binge eating- I don't binge as much as I crave, but yeah... I meet this criteria. Last week I ate an entire bag of chilled shrimp with massive amounts of added horseradish in the cocktail sauce. At least 3x a week I crave a chicken Caesar pita from the Pita Pit. I crave Monster lo-carb all the damned time.

Mood swings marked by periods of teariness- Yes and yes. I cry. Not in front of people usually, but I do. I also go from happy to pissed the hell off. Do you know why? Because sometimes people do things that aggravate me on a GOOD day, and when my hormones are all over the board I react with angry eyes, hissing speech, and lots of cursing.

Panic attack- Every single month when the bills come due. Apparently, it's taking me quite a bit of time to recover from the loss of my two 401K accounts and my savings when my company closed a couple of years ago. This makes me panic wondering what the hell I'm going to do when I am old and have no money.

Persistent irritability or anger that affects other people- Let's leave my kids out of this okay?

Physical symptoms, such as bloating, breast tenderness, headaches, and joint or muscle pain- Maybe it's the salty foods, the poor choice in sports bra, the extra glass of red wine, or the sometimes excessive cardio, but check, check, check, and check.

Problems sleeping- If by problem sleeping you mean can't get enough....

Trouble concentrating- What?

Today I realized that I have Narcissistic Histrionic Avoidant Disorder with a side of PMDD. It sounds like a much nicer description than what I was yesterday, which was selfish bitch. Thank God for modern science.

So, what's your malfunction?  

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