Friday, May 18, 2012

Your Village Called

"I don't mean to be a bitch, but I probably will be." That happens to be my motto a lot lately. It's not that everyone will think I'm a bitch, but everyone I'm about to offend will probably wonder if I have a heart of stone, no empathy, and what makes me so mean. That's a topic for an entirely different post, so let's just assume all of those people are right about me, shall we? 

Not everything bad thing in life is the fault of someone else. I'm sorry, it's just not. Whether through poor decision making or ignorance many of the shitty things that happen to us in life are, in fact, our own fault. Now I'm not saying you should spend the rest of your life beating yourself up, but pointing the finger of blame at someone else does not actually relocate the blame. What happened to taking responsibility for our actions? 

A few days ago I happened across an article discussing the lawsuit against Skechers. "The Federal Trade Commission has just announced that Skechers will pay $40 million to settle charges it misled consumers into believing its “toning shoes” would help people lose weight and tone their buttocks, legs and abdominal muscles, without ever setting foot in the gym." The part of the article and the lawsuit that struck me as at once hysterical and infuriating is that of all the claims that could be made about these shoes, the FTC found them guilty of misleading the public? Oh, please. Just shoot me now. 

I have worked my way through a pair of Skechers toning shoes, as well as Reebok's version (recently settled a similar lawsuit at $25 million). While they did take some getting used to, I personally had no problem with either pair. I have no tissue damage. I have no joint problems. But (punny), my ass still isn't all POW! BAM! AWESOME! 

There are a few things you should know about these shoes. 

1. If you are uncoordinated these shoes aren't for you. 
If you fall easily, don't buy shoes with rocker bottom soles. This is a no-brainer. If you bought them anyway, then I'm afraid you might be an idiot. 

2. These shoes are not designed for distance running. 
Again, sort of a no-brainer here. Most people need to mentally concentrate on the walking part for awhile when wearing these shoes. If you took off running, you're probably an idiot. 

3. If you have weak ankles these shoes are not for you. 
If you can't walk in high heels for fear of rolling your ankle, what makes you think you can wear these shoes that are not only high, but also unstable? Idiocy is highly likely here. 

4. The shoes come with an instruction/information insert. 
You didn't see it? I saw it. You didn't read it? Me either. Unfortunately, it's not the teacher's fault when you don't study for a test. Idiot. 

5. You have to take them out of the box to make them work.  
You had to know this was coming. It said "without setting foot in a gym". It didn't say, "while continuing to eat McDonald's Big Macs, large fries, and a thick shake every day for lunch". It didn't say, "while never having to workout." It didn't say, "in only 5 minutes". You're a complete freaking idiot. 

Admittedly, I wish they had worked a miracle on my ass. They did not. Was my ass firmer? My thighs? My calves? Hell yeah. Why? Because I wore them. I probably would have been okay with this lawsuit (not pleased with) had they based it solely on injury. If you fell down and broke an ankle, had an irritating shift in your gait, etc. yeah, fine, sue the company. I simply cannot wrap my head around the idea of our government deciding that, once again, people were misled by advertising. See the asterisk on the box? Maybe you should read to find out the significance. 

Perhaps it's time for a little cold hard truth in advertising. 

****Introducing the new Skechers Shape-Ups for Coordinated People! May help to tone your hips, thighs, and buns if you actually wear them and don't just sit around on your ass all day!***

Of course we won't do that will we? Why should we when there are always plenty of fingers to use to redirect the blame? I mean unless you accidentally cut all your fingers off with those super sharp Ginsu knives they sell on late night infomercials. In that case you'll have to find something else to point with... God forbid we take a little responsibility for our own idiocy. 

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