Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Where Are They Now?: Geppetto Speaks

In honor of Father's Day, which is less than a month away, today on Where Are They Now? we're speaking with Mr. Geppetto. You may remember Mr. Geppetto as the father of wooden puppet turned real boy, Pinocchio. Thank you for joining us Geppetto!

Geppetto: Yeah uh, sure. I'm getting paid for this right?

Angie: Yes, of course. Now Geppetto, we've not heard much from you in the past few decades. Tell us a little about what life as the father of a former fairy tale child has been like.

Geppetto: You're shitting me, right? You get the Enquirer don't you? It's been a giant shit storm. (belch)

Angie: Well, yes. I'm aware of some of the difficulties your son has faced. How has tha...

Geppetto: Difficulties? You call it whatever you like, lady, but difficulties ain't the word I'd use. The little asshole has been nothing but a money suck for years. Can I get a beer?

Angie: Sure, ahem.. one moment. While we wait, if I remember the story correctly, becoming a father was very important to you. Tell us a little about that.

Geppetto: I didn't want to be tied down again; that one woman life wasn't for me, but I wanted a son. I had a business ya know...dreams of passing something on. No one was going to let a bachelor like me adopt. I guess I got a little carried away with the whittling. I don't really know anymore. Lots of blackout days back then if you know what I mean. Beer me babe?

Angie: (sliding beer across the table) So you carved a son?

When good puppets go bad. 
Geppetto: If I'd known the sort of trouble he'd be I'd have shot that bitch fairy when I saw her hovering outside the window. I mean at first it was funny. He got up to stuff, reminded me of myself as a kid. Never got myself turned into a donkey or got swallowed by a whale or anything, but yeah... I skipped school a time or two, smoked with the boys, fooled around with some not-so-nice girls. I knew where he was coming from. You got anything stronger than this? Whiskey maybe?

Angie: Uh, sure. What is it like parenting a former wooden puppet?

Geppetto: I'd never do it again if that's what you mean. He's a knot head. Entitled little asshole. He used to at least pretend to be sorry when the cops brought his sorry ass home. Now he just gets belligerent, telling everyone he's "real now" and accuses everyone of profiling him because of his former wood status. He's not a real boy by blood, so I think he plays the wood card to get sympathy. I've bailed him out more times that I care to talk about. He's drained me of every penny I have. You growing the rye or what?

Angie: Parenting a high strung child can be stressful. How do you pass the time now?

Geppetto: I spend most of my days balls drunk, lady. Where the hell is that whiskey?

Angie: (sliding bottle and shot glass across table)

Geppetto: You don't know how many nights I had to listen to shouts of "lie to me lie to me" coming from the next room? Or worse yet, that damned chirping cricket. The kid still had no conscience and that cricket wouldn't give up the ghost. Got so bad I finally took a can of Raid to the little bastard. Biggest mistake since I carved the kid. He went from bad to worse in no time and then he took off.

Angie: Do you stay in contact with him?

Geppetto: The cricket is dead! I ain't got a damned Ouija board!

Angie: I meant your son.

Geppetto: Eh, he changed his name a few years back. Doin' those adult movies now. I got one in the van if you wanna watch it with me. Whattya say?

Angie: Er.. no thank you, but thanks for joining us today. Join us next week when we sit down with a famous Princess and her Prince Charming to talk about the pressures of marriage in the public eye.

Geppetto: Can I keep this whiskey? 

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