Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Vagazzling is a personal thing, and other porn store realizations

There is something about an "adult" super store that enhances my immaturity like nothing else ever could. Jill and I stepped through the doors of Annabelle's and prepared ourselves for Bachelorette party shopping. When it comes to these sorts of stores, I think most people go in with an idea of what they want. Whether you're looking for a vibrator, dildo, sleeve, cock ring, or some fetish gear you probably knew what you were looking for when you walked in the door. Sure, some things might catch your eye (and wow did they ever), but really, how often do you stray?

It's different when you're shopping for someone else. When Terra said she wouldn't mind if we did a naughty bachelorette party I was a little shocked to be honest. Her one request was that we didn't do any of the "suck for a buck" type events or anything that had to do with selling favors of any sort. That was easy enough to do because none of us wanted to sell anything either. We were left with shopping. As we wandered the aisles, I learned a few things and came to some conclusions.  

1. Buying a sex toy for a friend is awkward. 
This is the equivalent of deciding for your friend what they like in a penis. You run the risk of coming off looking either too prudish or too freaky. Not everyone likes the same thing, or likes them at all. These things are not returnable people. 

"Now I prefer the lipstick vibe, but you my friend look like the sort of girl who wants something with a little heft, some girth, and a real life-like feel. This one weighs in at 2 pounds and takes 4 D batteries. It doesn't do the dishes or mow the yard, but I bet you won't care."

2. Buying lingerie for a friend is creepy. 
Let's forget about the fact that you have to try to decide if your friend will even wear it. You have to now imagine your friend IN it. 

"So I was looking around and I thought to myself, you would look terrific in leather crotchless panties and a nippleless bra. What? I'm just saying if I were your man I would want a little kink. WHAT?" 

3. Vagazzling is a personal thing. 
If you're not familiar with this fad, check here. If you don't know about the state of the shrubbery in your friend's garden, you might want to avoid purchasing this sort of item for them. Those crystals aren't cheap. 

4. All candy can be made into penis shape. 
Our lovely bride now has more dick shaped candy than any one person can ever eat in one lifetime. At some point her husband to be will casually say, "Honey, can I have a breath mint?" and she will just as casually hand him the pack of Peckermint candies we gave her. That will be a heart warming moment. 

5. Porn has changed.
Remember when it was in magazine format? Then it was on VHS. Soon it was out on DVD. Soon porn was so prolific that anyone who could figure out how to turn on a computer could have access. Now it comes on a USB drive. I don't know why I was surprised, but I was. 

6. Nothing in that store is worth over $100. 
Yeah, I'm familiar with the edge. I bet you can make that with a pillow. The creativity has gone all out of the bedroom now hasn't it? $245? REALLY? Also, a tiny vibrator shaped like a lipstick that runs on watch batteries is ridiculous at almost $40. Watch batteries are expensive dammit!  

7. There should be some age verification when you leave the store. 
They checked my ID when I went in, but I guarantee you that I was a good 20 years younger when I left. I am sure Jill was a little mortified by my voice yelling over the shelves, "OMG LOOK AT THIS" then giggling. She may have also been slightly put off by me testing the strength of the vibrators by turning them on and touching them to the tip of her nose. Maybe.   


Have you ever been to an "adult super center"? If so, are you capable of going to one without giggling?

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