Monday, May 21, 2012

Psst. It's me. What are you wearing?

I used to steal my mother's Redbook magazine when I was a teen. I would sneak it up to my room and flip through the pages looking for ways to make myself sexy. In one article there was a list of things you could do to make yourself FEEL sexier. The one pointer that stuck out in my mind was a tip that suggested you put your panties on when they were a little damp, and they would feel like a "second skin". As an adult woman I can only assume that whomever wrote that tip was a gynecologist looking to make bank on the many women who came to the office in the months that followed with a rash or an itch in a very private place.

My point here is that not all tips about being sexy are worth noting. Here are a few notes and points for looking and feeling sexy.

Odd bra out. 
Bras and Panties
Sue said, "Life is too short to wear a bra and panties that don't match."  I listened intently, being newly single and hopeful that there would come a time when someone else would see my bra and panties again. "It just makes you feel prettier." she explained. I made mental notes and promised myself that the next time I went shopping I would buy myself a set instead of a 3 pack of Granny Panties. As it turns out, that is the best tip I've ever received about feeling sexy.

People come in all shapes and sizes. So do boobs. So do asses (my last ass was 5'8" 180 lbs).  I find it next to impossible to buy a bra and panties set. You don't want a perfect bra with saggy panties or perfect panties with your boobs squishing out of the top of your cups. Spend the money. Buy separates. You're welcome.

Sexy underwear makes you feel better on the outside. If you're a guy, maybe you don't want to wear sexy panties. Maybe you do. I'm not here to judge. I will say though that if you do feel the need to wear some, buy your own. Your lady friend will not appreciate coming home and finding you wearing hers. Plus, they probably won't fit right, and if done wrong women's undergarments can cause pain.

That's classy.
I find it impossible to put on thigh highs without sitting down on the edge of the bed all "Mrs. Robinson" like. Yes, I'm aware no one is watching, but I just feel all womanly when I put them on. Also, I have a knack for finding all sorts of things to bump into. Most recently it's been my desk at work. I've been placed toward the front of the office so that I can mind the front door. Unfortunately my desk is too low for that purpose. Being the bright minded woman that I am, I elevated my office chair to it's highest position. I am a compulsive leg crosser. Cross. Uncross. WHACK. Bruised shin. Right now I'm two finger bruises away from appearing to have a very active and rough sex life when nothing could be further from the truth. My application for the convent is pending. Stockings cover unsightly bruises.

Time to cinch and refasten.
Garter belts
What I cannot for the life of me figure out is garter belts. Somewhere in my collection of stupid purchases I've made over the years I have 4 billion garters, garter belts, panties with attached garters, etc. I have yet to make it through a day of wearing them where they didn't unclasp from the top of the stockings. For those of you men who wear shirt stays, I applaud you. I am sort of surprised I've never over stretched a garter and had it snap back and take an eye out. Plus, I feel stupid spinning around trying to clasp the back. I look like a dog chasing it's tail. Sexiness gone. Thank God for the stockings with the thigh grippers. Still, sometimes you'll want to impress your partner. If you choose to go the garter route, save it for the bedroom.

Seriously? WTF?
Back in my grandmother's day they had girdles for cinching you in and keeping the jiggles to a minimum. Again, maybe I've been doing it wrong, but I can't get on board the Spanx wagon. If I'm feeling self conscious about my midsection in a particular outfit, I will either not wear the outfit or I'll wear nylons with control top. Thanks anyway, Spanx makers. I tried your underwear and they grabbed my ass in all the wrong ways.

 Eventually I'm going to have to take them off and then my real body will be exposed. Do I want that special someone to unwrap me and find a whole second layer of gear and me looking like a stuffed sausage? I'll pass. I saw some the other day that look like a wrestler's unitard. Think Bridget Jones' Diary. Save all Spanx and similar undergarments for a day when you know there's not a snow ball's chance in hell that you will be having sex.

This concludes today's post on underwear... I mean sexiness... or something. Did you take notes?

So... what are you wearing? 

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