Thursday, May 3, 2012

One Post. Two topics. Yes, I am ashamed of myself.

This post is for Matt, who has found very little to laugh at on here the past couple of weeks. For the record, my daughter is an adult. Put down the phone. CPS does not care. 

Some of you may know that a few months ago my daughter began working in my office. It's been fairly painless. As it turns out, ignoring my kids in the office is pretty much the same as ignoring them at home. Today from across the office, in Family Guy fashion, she said "Mom" several times before someone pointed out that she was talking to me. Mom Mom Mom Mom Mama Mother Mommy... "Are you talking to me? What? Mom is not a very office-like name. What do you need?" If she had said, "Nothing." I probably would have laughed. 

She's a good kid, very professional, and extremely well composed, even when I am screaming in her face (I only do that at home). Last week during a staffing meeting, it was suggested that we use my daughter's voice in a major client campaign. As you can imagine, I was all proud and shit. That's my girl! 

After round one of recording was complete, the client stated that they loved her voice. All was right with the world and my little angel was flying high (no pot jokes here). Then the email came today asking for more enthusiasm. Now, my daughter is a lot of things. She's beautiful, intelligent, witty, and kind. What she is not, is enthusiastic. We each offered her a little advice on how to achieve that over the top "I am so damned excited about what I am about to say" voice. My advice of course was, "You've got to be fake. More fake than you've ever been." Then we locked her in a tiny office with with a computer and voice recording software. 

As she recorded the multiple tracks, we sat outside the office laughing about how painful it is to pretend to be very excited when you are, in fact, bored to death. This is where the story takes a very weird turn. 

Matt: She's young yet. She doesn't have much experience faking it. 

Me: Yeah, only since her first time. Well, first time with another person. 

That's when this post was born really. If you flipped the post over to check the bottom for a born on date... it would say 5/3/2012 2 PM. It would be suitable for consumption just long enough for me to write about it. That is when a nice post about my daughter being a rock star of the voice broadcast world turned into a post about masturbation. 

So let me rub this out finish this post quickly before I get a hand cramp so disgusted that I go blind can't even spell check it. 

Top Five Reasons To Choose Masturbation

1. Hand-Eye coordination- This one is obviously for the guys. You'll only shoot yourself in the eye once before you stop looking directly into the barrel of the gun. It will also help you with your Xbox/PS3 gaming. Girls like guys with strong forearms. Switch it up from time to time. 

2. Nobody does it better- One of the most important things about sex (with a partner) is knowing your own body. How can you tell your partner what you like if you don't know what you like? 

3. No STDs- I'm not going to judge people for where they put their hands, but if you get an STD from masturbation that's all on you. Wash your hands. What the hell is wrong with you? 

4. No drama- You know your hand isn't calling you the next day. Your hand won't ever ask you for more than a manicure and maybe some lotion. Your hand won't cheat on you. It will not leave you. Who doesn't like security? 

5. It helps other people like you (Marcus)- So here's the bottom line, you've been sort of an ass lately. It's obvious that you're not getting any. Please stop taking it out on us. Masturbation will help you relax and be a more friendly person. It will also help you sleep. So, whatever the reason is that you've been such a jerk ... lack of sleep or lack of sex... Please, take matters into your own hands and fix it! 

This concludes our post about my kid and masturbation, two topics, one blog post, no reason at all that they should go hand in hand... but they did. Happy Matt? 

I'll leave the interaction options open. Wanna talk about masturbating? Voice Broadcast? Family Guy? Let's hear it. 

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