Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Angie Answers

Every once in a while life throws us all curve balls that we cannot begin to answer without the help of others. When this happens to me I turn to my family. My family can usually be trusted to give me solid advice, or at the very least, listen quietly while I sniffle and whine on the other end of the line. I find the Phone-a-Fam method to be best because it allows my family to pretend they are listening while they say, “Uh huh. Right. Okay. Yeah. Oh?” and go on about their evening activities.

Not all of us have that luxury. Sometimes family isn’t available and we turn to the family we’ve made for ourselves; our friends. For me the process is pretty much the same. Phone a friend and tell them that you’re facing a life dilemma and then when you’re pretty certain that you hear them washing dishes or flipping channels on TV, launch into your description of the predicament. Again, listen for the key words that indicate that you’re free to ramble. “Uh huh. Right. Okay. Yeah. Oh?”

But what do you do when you have neither friends nor family available? What if the problem is so vexing and so private that you are not comfortable asking your loved ones to help you out? Dear Abby seems like a good choice, but you never know if you’re going to get chosen. Advice columns in magazines are much the same, though perhaps closer to your demographic. Still if you need help right away where do you go?

I’d like to tell you that you can email me. Sure you can. However, I might not get back to you within minutes and I’m only one person (except on those days when my inner bitch overtakes my outer bitch). Maybe you’re thinking, “Angie I wouldn’t trust you to tell me which pants make my ass look fat!” and if that is indeed what you’re thinking, screw you! I would so tell you. As a matter of fact, your ass makes those pants look too small. So there you go. 

There is still someplace you can go to get a variety of answers to your deepest darkest personal questions that you don’t want your whole family to know about. The internet! I don’t know if you know it or not, but you can even make yourself useful. Let’s say you’ve just posted your burning question on whatever site ( and you’re patiently waiting for a slew of people to help you figure out how you can make someone fall in love with you when you’re a single mom who has spent years in failed relationships, but you’re facing an empty nest and…” Whoever that might be.

Anyway, you’re waiting patiently and you realize that you can ANSWER questions too. Well, it never hurts to give back. Let’s take a look at some questions that people need answered and I’ll take a stab at them myself.

1. If i am 13 an he's 16 but i have been wit him for almost a yr, should i give him my virginity?

No. Your mother will tell you that he’s only after one thing. Guess what! He’s only after one thing. I don’t know you and I don’t know him. What I do know is that 16 year old boys dating 13 year old girls don’t know anything about relationships, commitment, or what to do when you end up knocked up. Keep your pants on. Isn’t there a new episode of Drake and Josh to watch? I can guarantee you that as lame as that show is, it’s a hell of a lot funnier than crying on the floor of the girl’s bathroom at the school after you pee on a stick and see two lines instead of one. Keep your pants on. Also, learn to use full words and capitalization.

2. Am i pregnant?

I told you to keep your pants on. Did you listen? Obviously not. Now might be a good time to find a CVS or a Walgreens and pick up a pregnancy test. You can put it off all you like while you wait for someone to answer your question here on the web, but the truth is that no one can pee on the stick for you and none of us can tell you if you’re pregnant. You still haven’t mastered capitalization.

3. How do you get somebody to notice you when you have tried everything?

Ha! You said boy. Anyway, you don’t. You just said you’ve tried everything. If you have two piles and one pile has everything in it, what does the other pile have? Nothing. So basically, if that person hasn’t noticed you and you’ve tried “everything” then there’s really very little hope. It would also suggest that this other person is not worth investing more effort in. I take that back. You can do a few things, but you’re probably not mature enough to deal with the consequences if you’re posting this ridiculous crap on

4. How to get a boy to break up with you, if they love you?

I know this one! I know this one! Same answer as #3. You don’t. Don’t cheapen yourself or stoop to lies. Be honest and remove yourself from the relationship. The rest is up to the other person. Remember the last time you loved someone who didn’t love you back? It doesn’t go away that easily does it? You don’t control anyone else’s feelings.

5. I want my ex back. We have hukd up recently but last time he said he doesn’t want me anymore. What shud I do?

Do nothing. Listen, hooking up with someone is great. It’s easy. That’s what he’s looking for… something easy. He said he doesn’t want you. Even if he was playing some sick mind game and he DOES want you, what sort of normal person does that? Based on the spelling, I’m going to guess this is your first go round so I’ll go easier on you by telling you to seek counseling. No one is that important that you keep going back. Looking for approval? Bad relationship with your dad? Been there… seek counseling. Also, seek a tutor. Your spelling needs help.

I feel like I’ve given enough back for today. If you feel you have some burning question you need an answer to feel free to ping me, and I’ll answer you as quickly as possible. Until then... you know how to reach me! 

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