Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Angie Answers: I want my ex back!


I think most people begin to write their mental checklist of what they want in a partner from an early age. Whether you know it or not, the things that happen around you as a child help to form this list. Sometimes it's a couple you see with a fantastic marriage, and sometimes it's those with less than stellar relationship skills. But it's not just the relationships themselves that add boxes to be checked on that ever growing list of must-haves. It can be anything from a person's build, eye color, hair color, hair length, or feet. Again, no one's judging here.

None of these things are scientific breakthroughs. We know how it works. Some guys grew up thinking that Farrah Fawcett was the pinnacle of sexiness. It probably started with the blond girl they kissed in junior high, then that epic poster of Farrah in red with the hair feathered back Charlie's Angels style. Today, there are probably still men who base their physical ideal on that poster. You'll find him in a dive bar any given Friday night cozied up to the aging beauty queen who still feathers her hair back and wears a men's tank top without a bra as her "going out" shirt... regardless of her now much longer breasts.

We can't change the things that turn us on. What gets your motor revved up is what it is. There are some things though, that while carefully woven into our history, really should be avoided at all costs. I have a friend, and for the sake of this post we'll call him Sam. Now Sam is an attractive guy. He's got an honest job, a car, and work ethic. Sam also has an ex. He would like this ex back.

I have tried to tell Sam that when someone wants out you must let them out, and not just when they say, "Hey, untie me and unlock the cellar door! This isn't funny!" No, you have to let the person go and get out of their life. Then he asked the question almost everyone I know has pondered at least once. "Well if I do that how will she remember how awesome we were and all the good things about our relationship?"

Good question, right? How will they know? The answer is elementary, my dear Watson. They will only know how much they miss you when you're gone. That's how it works. Cinderella wrote a song about it. It's obviously true. But let's say you've already made it painfully clear that you're absolutely sure that you're going to die without that person, or maybe called them a billion times, left 30 voicemails, sent 50 texts, and drove past their house a lot little. What then?

The key to successfully reminding that person how awesome things used to be is to let them get hurt by someone else. It's almost an unwritten rule that if your partner springboards off your relationship into a new one that they are going to get screwed over. Karma baby. So let them have it. Apologize to your ex about how things ended, explain that you've moved on (no, I don't care if you lie about it), and that friendship and a future relationship are off the table.

You know what makes people want something really bad? When the quantities are limited, that's what. So if all things are supply and demand, take your attention elsewhere. You cut off the supply and demand will increase. How do I know? Well, look what happened when they did it to you. Uh huh, you're starting to see now.

There are a couple of ways this can go.

1. He/She still doesn't want you back. In this case, congratulations! It didn't work! Guess what, you really don't want to be with someone who doesn't want you. 

2. He/She will want you back. In this case, congratulations! It worked! Guess what though, you really don't want them back. No, really.

Maybe you're wondering, well I thought the point was to get that person back? No, the point all along is that some things need to be avoided at all cost. Exes are exes for a reason. If someone leaves you there's a good chance it will happen again. Do you really want to be with someone who only wanted to be with you because you didn't want to be with them? Probably not the healthiest decision, right?

As painful as it is when someone leaves, there comes a time when you have to let them go. Not only physically, but emotionally. Holding on to hope for a flawed and failed relationship only serves to gouge your soul a little more each day. It makes things like driving past their house at all hours of the night, following them to work, calling them repeatedly, and texting them constantly seem like good ideas when, in fact, those are things that will cause you to end up in a jail cell, wearing an orange jump suit, crying to some big burly guy with lots of poorly done body are about how you only wanted her to know you love her. If someone drives you to the point of needing a lawyer, chances are that relationship is NOT the right choice. So put that on your list, and try to make it stick.

Example:

1. blond
2. blue eyes
3. leggy
4. nice ass
5. sweet
6. sassy
7. doesn't cause me to have to hire a lawyer




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