Wednesday, April 4, 2012

My horrible confession: I was a bitch to someone

"I'm just confused. I don't feel like I trust anyone after my last relationship. I don't know what I want." he said. 

"If you're with me and you don't know what you want, then what you want is obviously not me." I replied softly.  

And that's the way my break ups go. Even when the breakup reason is some elaborate concoction of bullshit excuses, I play nice. I do not like to hurt people even if they've hurt me. I'll say something nice and/or insightful. I'll even walk away before you see a single sign that I am hurt. What's the point? That's right, there isn't one. If you're breaking my heart, you don't deserve to watch. 

That is what big girl panties are for. Big Girl Panties are the Spanx of the emotion world. They hold in your sobs, your screams, and your hissy fits. BGPs also hold back the slew of really bitchy things I want to say. It's better for everyone if we don't discuss what those things might be. 

On the flip side, though I don't lash out when I'm being let down, I value honesty even when it hurts. While I realize that excuses are made to spare someones feelings, when in the midst of a breakup or before a false relationship can begin, I think it's just wiser to be up front. 

As it turns out, not everyone feels the same. I was told today that I need to learn to tell little white lies. I assume my friend meant that I should pretend to feel a certain way, even when I don't, because it will make the other person feel better about the situation. My response was that if I had employed flattery or false intimacy, it could later be construed as "so you're saying there's a chance", and when I inevitably had to give the truth, I would be accused of leading on. Been there. Screw that. 

Maybe I've told you this story before, if I have then I apologize and you can skip over this next part. A few years ago I met a man. We flirted off and on for months. I'd been dropping hints for a very long time that I was not ready for a relationship. Hints, as it turned out, were not enough. Subtlety was NOT my friend. When he pulled the ring from his pocket and placed it on my finger I cried. When he professed his love and asked me to marry him, I just nodded. I couldn't figure out how in the hell he had failed to see the signs. I had failed.  I imagined the last 3 days of his vacation, moping around, heart broken, and calling non-stop. I didn't want to ruin his vacation. I didn't want to deal with his sadness. 

Four days later when he'd wrapped up his vacation and had arrived back home, I called him. As nicely as I could, I let him know that I could not accept his proposal and that I would be returning the ring. It never occurred to me that he would have notified his entire family, home town, and likely everyone in the airport.  Had I been upfront about it, I could have spared him a lot of pain. I felt like the most horrid person in the world. 

I was a coward and a bitch. I get it. 

Feel free to judge me now. I deserve it and I have learned from it. I no longer spare any one's feelings by pretending the feeling is mutual. I don't want to hurt people any more than I enjoy being hurt. When I love someone I make sure that person knows how I feel. I don't say I love you until I mean it. If I am not feeling it, I will say, "Hey, this isn't right for me. It doesn't feel right. I can't do this. I am not interested in that type of relationship." If people ask me questions I do my best to give a clear and honest answer, and sometimes it isn't the warm fuzzy one they would have rather received. 

Have you ever lied to spare a person's feelings? 

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