Monday, March 26, 2012

Three ways to get banned from my pants

My ego is fragile. I keep it packed in bubble wrap most of the time and don't take it out for show. It's been said that flattery gets you no where. I think people who say that are full of it. By it, I mean crap. Flattery gets people all sorts of places. A flattering dress gets to go home with me. So if you want to go home with me, there are things you should know.

Just like most people, I have some standards. There are certain things you absolutely cannot do if you are hoping I'll one day let you in my pants. Let's discuss!

Things you don't want to say to me
Take notes
Have you ever listened to a waitress or waiter being berated by a customer? That condescending tone of voice grates my nerves worse than nails on a chalk board. It causes my jaw to tighten and a feeling of complete disgust and contempt to form in my chest for you. Even in the event that the service is poor, there is no need to stoop to that level of cruelty. You might be okay with having your food spit in. I am not. When you have unfavorable service from the waitstaff, you are free to not tip. Being a douche while I am at the table is not acceptable. Another thing it shows me is that, should I somehow not meet your level of expectation, you will speak to me in the same fashion. It's a no-go.

Another sure fire way to ensure that you will never have sexy time with me would be to mention how much I remind you of your mother. Yeah, I know the old song... "I want a girl just like the girl who married dear old Dad." She cooked, cleaned, loved you unconditionally, and always knew that Thursdays you would need more encouragement to go to school because it was math quiz day. I don't have anything against her, I just don't want to know that when you think of me that you think of your mother. It's not sexy for me, to be honest it's just disturbing. I joked with a friend yesterday about this, and when he joked about calling me mommy, I laughed and fought the urge to vomit at the same time. Funny! Except not. Don't do this.

Still, there is a much broader and more deeply scarring statement that will keep you far away from the holy of holies. Far be it for me to tell you what hurts every other woman's pride, but reference (like the mom thing) to how old we are is forbidden. Over the weekend a very nice looking gentleman hugged me, a little too tight for a mere friendly embrace. For a second, I was very flattered. That came to a halt the moment he said, "You're a really nice lady." screeching halt Excuse me? What the...?! Who the hell are you calling a lady? Do you know who's a nice lady? The lunch counter attendant who gives you an extra peanut butter sandwich. You know who else? The elderly lady who hands out the samples at the grocery store. You know who's a real nice lady? Your mother. (That's for you, James).

Alright readers, talk to me. Tell me what actions/words guarantee a person will never have access to your private parts (and don't say women who blog about ways to not get in their pants)?

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