Monday, March 5, 2012

Five Things Men Don't Want To Hear

Aside from top secret "ProjectHooters", which should be rolling out soon, I've spent the last couple of weeks doing some research on dating sites. When I say "dating" I don't just mean the online dating companies that seem to reproduce like Octomom on Clomid. I'm including all of those websites dedicated to helping you understand the opposite sex. Some call themselves "Lifestyle" sites, but unless that dating is done with the same sex while wearing latex, a Bozo the Clown wig, and a gas mask I would hardly consider it a lifestyle. But, I digress, that's where my research has led me.

A common theme on these little jewels of relationship wisdom is the "Top 5 Billion Things You Shouldn't Say". By the time I read the third article on this topic I wanted nothing more than to find a sturdy reliable rafter and a short piece of rope. Before you take that the wrong way, what I mean is I wanted to hang myself. Wait... was there a right way to take it? No? It's not what you think. I wasn't upset with myself. I just don't want to live in a world where people need to be advised that they should not say the following things to their man:

Not good to say: 
1. Is that it?
2. Your penis is so cute!
3. I liked it when my ex boyfriend did ____ in bed.
4. Your mom is a bitch.
5. I'm pregnant and it's yours.

Worse yet: 
1. That was the worst excuse for sex I've ever experienced.
2. What the hell is that?
3. My ex could give you a lot of pointers. Here's his number.
4. I've been talking to your mom about your sexual performance.
5. I'm pregnant, but it's okay I don't think it's yours... maybe.

The more I read, the more obvious it became that these articles were definitely targeting a different demographic than my own. There was no denying that they were catering to the late teens and early 20's. Unfortunately, that has left a few of us that are smart enough not to be downright insulting out in the cold on advice. Because I am nothing if not helpful, I have created two lists that would be beneficial to my particular generation of daters.

Good to say: 
1. I just hit my sexual peak and I've got 5 good years left in it.
2. I've had my tubes tied. It will never be your baby.
3. I'd like to make you dinner. It won't be out of a box.
4. You don't need to go to the mall with me, I'm a grown up.
5. Hasn't it been awhile since you went on a guys weekend?

Things you might want to avoid: 
1. I still have a couple of years before my parents move in with me.
2. I've never used protection before. Why start now?
3. Are you sure you should eat that with your cholesterol levels?
4. There are 6 sales this weekend between Saturday and Sunday. I'll pick you up at 8.
5. I know it's the same weekend as your "guy date", but this is an all nude resort and my family really wants us to go along.

Suggestions for additions? Horror story to share? I'm your girl...

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