Sunday, February 19, 2012

Then I realized Marilyn wasn't actually speaking to me.

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”  
― Marilyn Monroe

Marilyn was the Meredith Brooks of her time.... nay the Chaka Khan... no... the Body Guard Whitney!

The first time I read that quote I was in one of my "I'm Every Woman" sort of moods. "She's right! No man deserves to be part of my life if he can't handle the days when I am frustrated, pissed off, and unsure of my direction, dammit!" I thought. With that new attitude firmly in place, I set off on a path of being a complete wench to every man I met. I was itching for confrontation. "Please God send me a man to call me on my shit... just let him TRY!"

I have a few theories as to why it didn't happen. Perhaps I was already a bitch and no one noticed a change so no one felt the need to point it out. Maybe my idea of being a bitch is not as bad ass as I thought and instead of resembling a lioness I sort of looked like a kitten playing at fierceness. Then I thought maybe I just misread the directions. Marilyn didn't actually say anything about being an uber-bitch, with no direction, and acting like the world had pissed in her Cheerios. Sometimes I read into things. She wasn't even talking to me now that I think about it.

Upon further reflection, I realized that it was not about being a bitch or out of control or insecure and making someone like you regardless. It was about being myself. I can be a shrew at times. There are moments when I feel like I have no direction. Yes, I am sort of insane. I'm also a lot of other things. Some of those things are pretty damned great. Still, some are sort of boring. On a positive note, I've never met a person who wasn't a little bit of a lot of things, so I'm in good company.

Yesterday, I sat across the table from a gentleman discussing a job. What do you do? What is the environment like? What are you looking for? As he laid out bits and pieces of what the position would require I mentally ticked off the list of my own qualifications. When he mentioned a particular skill they were looking for that wasn't in my repertoire, I answered with honesty.

"I'm too old to be lying about who I am and what I am capable of. I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses. I have not done design since college and it is not my strong point. I won't pretend to be something I am not. I won't fake it til I make it, but I would work my ass off."

That my dear's is it in a nutshell... the long and short of it. In work as in relationships, it's about knowing who you are. If the job is right, I will work to exhaustion for the love of what I'm doing. If the relationship is right, I will be every woman. If you only want the personality that smiles and says nice things, you're SOL. In return I expect the guy to be every woman too. Except not a woman... Wait. What I mean is... Can I start over?

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