Monday, February 27, 2012

How a buzz in the night changed my life...

My cell phone vibrated on the nightstand, stirring me from what had been an already fitful sleep. "One steady buzz, no worries. It's just a text so it can't be important." I thought. Still, to be on the safe side I reached over and hit the message center.

"I'm bored." read the message. I was more than a little irritated by my own inability to ignore the tangle of wires that connect me to the outside world in hours I should be pleasantly disconnected. I shot a quick text back. "Okay?" and the reply served only to further piss me off.

"I guess I must have interrupted a hot date." he said. With that I flung my phone to the floor and glared at it's glowing screen. I'd deal with it in the morning. Until then I was perfectly happy lying wide awake in my bed late at night telepathically sending a message across the miles. Which was obviously NOT the case at all. I wasn't happy and most certainly didn't want to spend my night thinking about him, but that is exactly what I did.

"ASS! Pick up a phone once in awhile and speak into it. Stop fingering the damned keypad!" I fumed. This was one of those nights where I am thankful my children can't seem to hear well. If some of those words were ever repeated from their lips I would have to leave town in shame.

"There she goes. My God, how horrible! Her son is the one who said ****** ******* **** ******  in class. Don't invite him over to play PS3 with the boys. SHAMEFUL! It was all over some man I hear. Pathetic. Don't let Jack date her daughter either. You know what they say about apples and trees."

To be honest, this scenario had played itself out several times. Each time I would allow myself to be hurt, stupid school girl hurt. Why? Oh, Lord. Good question. Because he was where I'd set my bar. He was all of the things I thought I wanted in a man; Sexy, confident, funny, intelligent, passionate, irreverent, and he made me feel pretty. What he wasn't... was available. Not married, simply not available. Sure, for brief periods of time he played at being just that, but always on his terms.

Like the library book you fall in love with and can't find in a hardcover anywhere for sale, he was only on loan. He was the reason for the multitude of nights I spent with Jann Arden on repeat. "Wishing That" still makes me tear up.

I was so angry. I mean, what girl doesn't want to be the recipient of a random text message in the night that says the equivalent of, "I only think of you when I am bored until something better comes along." Who doesn't want to be the fall back option, right? Me apparently.

By morning, I wasn't even angry at him, but I was completely pissed off at myself. I was the one that allowed this to go on. I was the one who had created a world where he could exceed my expectations through the lowering of my standards. I was the only one able to change that. I repeated my daughter's sage words (stolen from some obviously inspirational Facebook sticker): "Never make someone a priority if they only make you an option." True that little girl! True that.

So out of that grew my new list of .....



New and Improved Must Haves for 2012 and BEYONDDDDDDD!
Sexy (to me)
Single (sort of a no brainer eh?)
Confident
Funny (to me)
Passionate
Irreverent
Must be okay with the fact that I use curse words
Must think I'm sexy even in the morning with really bad hair
Available (in the sense that he's got a heart and isn't afraid to use it)

There... that seems better. :)

We all have to have a few standards, right? Tell me the top 3 things on your Must Have list.

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