Monday, February 6, 2012

He wants to wear me like a skin suit

RCB Loves Me This I Know
Today I was Googling myself (is that what the kids are calling it these days) and wouldn't you know it... I found myself on RCB English...Well Barely. When people profess their love for me I get a bit skittish. Especially when it's done in such a public forum as a blog. Still, if I ask the right questions and get the right answers I can alleviate some of my panic. So that's just what I did.

Me- Do you want to wear me like a hat?

RCB- Fedora or...? No, you're more of a raincoat. Next question.

Me- Have you ever stood on a ladder outside my bedroom window?

RCB- You have really high windows and I'll have you know that ladder in your garage doesn't reach. Your turn.

Me- Do you have a skin suit pattern you're dying to try out?

RCB- Angie, you are pasty white. I am BLUE. Don't flatter yourself. You should try this new lotion I bought though. It will make your skin all supple and...

Me- Is your mother's basement covered in grainy pictures of me?

RCB- Why are you bringing my mother into this? I haven't lived in that basement for years! Any resemblance between you and that person in the pictures is purely coincidental and I resent the implication!

Me- Alright then... but, let's take it slow.

I guess what I'm saying is... I've gotten a new button, kids! He loves me enough to give me an award. I love RCB for a number of reasons that don't involve the free trip to the tropics, but that's at the top of the list right now since I'm cold and stuck in the Midwest. I won't say how big that number is because I don't want his blue cheeks getting all purple. Suffice it to say it's a lot.

Apparently, I'm supposed to tell five random facts about myself and then pass this on to other bloggers that write things that I'm in love with for various reasons which I will explain later. Without further ado... drum roll please...

1. I lie about my weight on my driver's license by adding 10 pounds to my actual weight. In my head it sounded like a great idea last time I renewed. Why? Because if I get pulled over the cop might look at me and then my ID and think, "Wow she's worked really hard to drop some weight. Healthy people are good people.  I should let her off." So far it's working like a charm.

2. Sometimes I go so long without actually writing my name that I am confused by how it looks when I sign something. It makes me wonder if I spelled it correctly. It is for that reason that I've stopped actually signing my name. My current signature looks like I'm a doctor. Is it that I write Dr at the beginning? Maybe the Phd. at the end is what causes it? Whatever.

3. I am not a jealous person, but once I feel your attention has drifted elsewhere I just really don't care to have it back. I'm too old for games of hot/cold. Also... if you leave your sh*t in my house and THEN pull that crap, I'm going to burn it, throw it in the trash, or sell it. All proceeds go toward my "he's a jerk" fund.

4. I don't have pets. I used to, but no more. There was a time when my kids would ask for a pet and I thought it would be a good idea because it would teach them responsibility. Then I realized that they have a hard time keeping their own rooms tidy, so how could I expect them to keep a kennel clean? Oh, and I'm too lazy for that. And selfish. And bitchy (only one bitch in this house!).

5. If I'd been allowed to name my kids how I wanted I would be the proud mother of Anastasia Demitria (Russian history. Don't make me school you) and Hunter Logan (I'd been up late with heartburn while I was pregnant and caught too many episodes of Logan's Run). It's good at times to not be allowed to have control.

Don't we feel all educated about me now? So let's move along to the prize portion of our show! I'll be spreading the love around a little and choosing some people I've not forced into blog submission in the past. 

Pish Posh- I didn't even know that my elbows could be fat until I read it at her page. Add to that how I might be skinny fat. She cracks me up. She must write or die. No seriously, I read somewhere that it's a real disease. For her creative words is like the drugs on that movie Crank with the really attractive guy who must do whatever it is he has to do not to die. Like that. You should go over there and check out her bonobo and her chatty vagina. Okay you can't really check out her vaj without her permission.

Facebooking From the Edge- Nude skydiving, Describe your sex life in the form of a movie title, and pictures in posts that keep me going back even when I am too tired to read. For real, sometimes a girl just wants to look at the pictures and make up her own story. Get off my back! Anyway she's cute as heck and in need of new bake ware. If I were you I'd go to her site and click on an ad and buy something so she can get a new cookie sheet.

The Authentic Life- I L word Bill. His heart is amazing, he's funny as hell (and we all know hell is f*ckingsammich that Becca and I are putting together, so how can you possibly go wrong? That's right... you can't go wrong with Bill.

So there's that for ya. Happy New Award Button Day!

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