Saturday, February 25, 2012

Date By Numbers: How Sales People Do It

Prostitution is called the "world's oldest profession", but I think that is a bit of an exaggeration. I'm fairly certain the oldest profession would be like berry gatherer or mammoth stabber. Granted, those are purely selfish tasks... so let's go with leather preparation. Maybe you were the only one in your cave good at making the swanky leather wrap with the life-like beaver fur in all the anatomically correct areas. Surely, people would have paid for that right? 

"I give you 2 mammoth tusk and 1 bear shank. You make beaver warmer for Grot!" 

Done deal, Grot. Cha Ching!

Lost my track for a second. Anyway, prostitution isn't exactly the oldest profession, but it has been around for a good amount of time, and like with all sales based professions... there are formulas for success. How many men do you have to holler at from your corner or street curb before one pulls over. Once he pulls over, how many potential Johns like the prices on the menu? Did you check the current market value before you set your price point? How many of those Johns will drive away and how many must a hard working hooker negotiate with before the sale is made? It's a numbers game, I'm sure. 

"How much for a Lindsay Lohan with a half twist and a Sigourney Weaver?" 

"Two Lindsays or one?"


"Isn't Sigourney that chick from Alien?" 

"Yes. Get all alien and prob..."

"One BILLION dollars!" 

For the record I do not know what a Lindsay Lohan or a Sigourney Weaver is, but I am pretty sure I can do a half twist. I once tripped on the treadmill and a half twist saved my life. It was in the form of a lemon in my vodka tonic and I tell you straight up, if I hadn't had that thing before I worked out I would have done a 1/4 twist instead and been all stiff and broke my neck. 

Have you ever made a cold call? If you're struggling with the term let me explain it for you. Cold calling is a lead generation process in which you do the equivalent of flipping open the yellow pages and calling every business in the book that matches the criteria you're trying to sell your product or service to. It's cold because they don't know you and don't want to talk to you and you end the call feeling empty and alone. Men, it's like the feeling of walking out of the bar at the end of the night after having bought 10 girls drinks and you're dating your hand AGAIN. Capicé?

Anyhooters, the formula for a lead generation rep on a sales account is traditionally 100/10/1. For every 100 times you dial the phone, you can expect to get ten contacts. For every 10 contacts you make, one of those interactions should result in a lead. It gets a bit more complicated than that, but dating is essentially the same.

In a room of 100 potential matches. You can expect 10 will respond to your mating call. Out of those 10, nine will be eliminated from the pool. Perhaps they are not interested? Maybe you're not interested? Maybe they don't qualify for the kind of service you're offering. There are many ways a person can be disqualified.

1. Married
2. Skeezy
3. Physically unappealing
4. Mentally unappealing
5. Insane

Odds are, you will be left with one person that meets the basic criteria for a first date. From this point on it's up to you and the potential partner to move this process to the next level... A webinar. Kidding! After this you will feel your customer date out (not up you perverts! Okay... sometimes up). Find out what their pain points are. Decide what you can and cannot offer each other to make this a mutually beneficial transaction. 

No, now it's time to go on that date. If the first planned meeting has proved to be agreeable to both parties, additional dates will follow. At some point, the sales cycle will come full term and an RFP will be submitted. It's that simple. 

The guys at work speak of a gentleman they know that really plays this numbers game with his whole penis heart. He hits on only attractive women all night long, and while he might not be the best looking guy in the joint, his pick up line is "Nice shoes. Wanna ____?" Amazingly, some women just say yes. Numbers, people... numbers. 

I mentioned awhile back that I got a card from a friend about dating. It went something along the lines of, "You know when you have to use a public toilet and you check all the stalls and you have to choose the least compromised one? That's how I feel about dating." For most of my adult life that has pretty much summed up my feelings on the subject. Fortunately, sometimes it just really doesn't suck. Sometimes it's jussssssst right, Goldilocks. And that, my friends, is what keeps people going. 

Tell me about the best date you've ever had. What made it special. Are you still with that person? 

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