Sunday, February 12, 2012

All Three Positions (and I don't mean ballet)

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Entering the dating world is a scary and exciting leap to make. When you're used to being either single or entrenched in a long term relationship, the prospect of going out with someone new is daunting to say the least. What do I wear? What should I say? Should I just be myself even if myself that day is uber-bitchy? How many dates is the sex rule based on these days? Do women still follow the no shave policy to prevent themselves from allowing a hand to wander past their knee?

Side note: What the hell is the deal with the shaving to the knee thing? Put on some nylons for the love of God! What are you doing letting some dude stroke your calf or kneecap anyway? Everyone knows once they touch the back of your knee you're done for anyway, right? Just me? What was his hand doing down there at dinner? I mean if you're not going to let him have sex with you I can think of some other places you might want to let him touch other than your shin. I won't draw a picture for you because I suck at drawing as my picture of Quentin Tarentino's penis would indicate.

Let us get back to the topic, shall we? When I am bored, excited, confused, etc., I call on my friends to help me with the answers. A few nights ago, while waiting for my son to finish work, I did just that. I dialed my girlfriend's number and laid my questions at her feet and waited for the answers.

"So I'm going to have to start dating. I'm getting up there and if there's any chance that I won't end up living in a house collecting stray cats, tinfoil for my windows, and gobs of eBay purchases I never take out of the packages I should probably get a start on this. Besides, I think it might be a good idea to have sex again." I said.

"Wow, that's a lot to think about. I just had a dirty thought... if you have sex with someone you'll be finished before it starts. You know like a teenage boy the first time a girl touches his junk. You should probably warn anyone who might touch you that you could combust." she replied.

"Well, when it happens I'm going to have fun! I'm going to do all three positions! ALL THREE!" I half whispered, suddenly aware that I was actually in a public parking lot with people walking by my car regularly.

Then the bitch laughed at me. "All three?" she responded while chuckling.

"There really are only 3 positions, ya know. Top, bottom, and doggy. Everything else is just a variation on flexibility." I offered. "Except standing... and I don't even know if people do that except in the movies and even then they don't do it for long so I don't think it's real."

"Do you even have a date?" she asked.

Cold... very cold.

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That brings me to my question(s) for my readers today.

If you're married or committed (or should be), where did you meet your partner?

If you've done online dating, what is your worst/best experience?

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