Monday, January 23, 2012

Wag Vs. Angie: He said no more kids. He meant it.


When you married your spouse you agreed upon x amt of children. Just as you start to see that light at the end of the tunnel (your youngest is about to enter school) your wife goes baby crazy and starts talking about having another. You’ve looked at it in every way possible and you simply do not want to have more kids. Your wife on the other hand simply will not get off your back about it. What do you do? Go on over to WagtheDad to see what Shane has to say about this! 

Tonight as I lay in bed slurping Nyquil from a straw, I heard the sound of child like screeching amplified through the venting of the house. Knowing the sounds of my own children, I felt safe in the knowledge that it wasn’t them (aside from the fact that they know that those sorts of screams better come with blood otherwise it’s unnecessary and unacceptable). Upon further investigation I realized the noise was from the tenant’s apartment. The assault on my ear drums continued, and I realized that I had made the right choice those many years ago when I stopped having children. My husband and I had agreed on two and we stopped at two.

Five years ago, I made the decision to have my tubes tied. My son was almost 11 and my daughter 14. I was done. I informed my then fiancé that I was planning to have the procedure done and that while it was more expensive than him getting a vasectomy, it was still outpatient and I would only be down a day. We had agreed from the onset that neither of us wanted to have more children. We had plans. We had goals. We had 4 kids between us already.

Upon hearing my decision to make it final, he stated that he had always secretly hoped that we might have a child together. I explained that given our children’s ages, and the things we planned to do with our lives, more children wouldn’t be a good idea. I would be the primary care giver, and while he made more money than I did, I would still need to maintain an income. Sorry... not this girl. I scheduled the procedure and went alone, as he refused to take me to the hospital or pick me up. He was angry with my unilateral decision and made no attempt to pretend otherwise.

As much as I believe in a woman’s right to choose what happens to her body, I also believe in a man’s right to choose what happens with his sperm. Realistically children cost money and require a time commitment. It’s not merely the cost of pregnancy or delivery... it’s a life long commitment in some cases. Whether you’re the primary care giver or the primary wage earner, this is not a choice that can be made without agreement of both parties.

First of all, stand your ground. If you truly do not want more children it is your responsibility to shore up any possibility that more children will be created. Make your position very clear. Discuss the various reasons you do not want more children. Maybe you have been looking forward to that time alone with your spouse that you’ve been lacking. Maybe you don’t feel that financially you can support more kids. Perhaps you feel that it could detract from the quality of life of the other children you already have. Whatever the reason, make your feelings known and that you are unwilling to bend.

I’ve read some crazy news articles, heard some horror stories of men being trapped, and even a court case in IL from 2005 where a woman performed oral sex on her boyfriend and used the sperm to impregnate herself. The court at last check had ordered him to pay child support as his ex gf claimed the sperm was a “gift” and he did not ask for it to be returned. While I agree that this is absurd behavior, I can’t help but believe that you shouldn’t go leaving your swimmers in/on/around someone you know wants to use it for such a purpose. So what do you do? Wrap it in something containing spermicide. Wrap it again in something that contains spermicide. Demand that she show proof that the “gift” has been consumed or discarded. Or here’s something... just don’t have sex until an agreement can be reached or surgery can be scheduled.

Your desire to not have more kids isn’t a secret and neither should your surgery be. If you can’t trust your spouse to stay baby free while you wait, you’ve got bigger problems than more babies... there’s a good chance she’s crazy. Just sayin... trickery ain’t cool, yo! 

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