Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Just when you thought it was safe to get arrested...

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No matter where  you go, you'll find a small town. Even in the hearts of the biggest cities you will find that neighborhoods separate themselves from the throngs of people around them and become little communities unto themselves. Inside each of these microcosms, exists that resident that knows exactly what's going on in every home in the hood. Ladies and gentleman... I give you the Busy Body.

The duty of the BB is to know exactly how long that car was parked in your driveway when your spouse wasn't home. They are also responsible for knowing who had a nasty fight the other night, when you were late taking out your trash, how many times your toddler stripped off their clothes and stood naked in the picture window, and the ratio of he mows:she mows (if only to tell someone else who is the lazier of the two).

If you're from a traditional small town, the secondary function served by the Busy Body is to listen to the police scanner to find out exactly who is getting ticketed for what, why the cops were called out to 890 3rd Ave. at 11:32 PM, and knowing who you shouldn't associate with (except to start a conversation where further probing can take place). Everyone needs a purpose ya know, but for all the busy bodies out there... life is about to get a little less stressful for you.

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Brian walked into the office on Friday and said, "Ang, come here you have got to see this!" Fresh from a conference in Oklahoma, Brian handed me the most interesting periodical I'd seen in a long time. "OK Jailbirds", Your local source for recently arrested (I shit you not, that's what the top of the paper reads). For $1.50 you can buy a copy of the rag and get to know the "who's who of convicts". I nearly wet myself with excitement. HOW.FREAKING.AWESOME! Well, not for everyone obviously.

I didn't make it past the cover page before I began to notice that a lot of these people are really happy about getting arrested! The women's mugshots were hysterical. In true sexy bitch style, they seem to be using their Mug Shot as a sort of dating profile.

"Heyyyyy, (wink) (duck lips) (blink blink) (smile).My name is Nikole and I like cut off jeans, Old Milwaukee, and giving a good beat down when a ho is all up in my grill. You got a problem with that? Step up b*tch! I mean, hi! Anyway, baby you can find me at the Noble County jail, stop by and see me. Bring smokes.. and bail."  

"My cell mate's name is WHAT? He did WHAT?"
There was one picture, though... this one was so priceless I had to share it with you. I won't say his name. I won't say what he did. I won't even tell you which county he was arrested in. I will however show you the most true representation of what a person is supposed to look like when they are being thrown in the pokey.

So the next time you're in Oklahoma, remember to mind your bidness. The man is out in full force trying to keep you down... or to keep creeps off the streets... whatever. Your business just got a little easier to share, and you now know what you can get your grandma for Christmas (it will save her from having to guess what everyone is up to). 

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