Have you ever taken one look at your blog and thought,”If I write one more post like this someone will get crushed in the panic to find a life boat off my sinking ship!” You’re not alone. The other day as I read back one of my drafts, I really just wanted to strangle myself. (Enter Becca)
Do you know Becca from I’m Pretty Sure That? If you don’t you should! Better yet, I’ve decided to hand over the reins to my site once a week to her while I go over to her site and cause some trouble. The other day after a particularly revealing conversation when we were both being naughty (you decide how to take that), we sort of realized we share a lot of the same experiences. She’s done things a little differently than I have and has become a wildly successful wedding groper. I became a moderately embarrassing back of the convertible farmer flasher. So who better to swap with?
Now I’m going over to her place to cover this week’s topic: Who Do You Hate More When the Relationship Ends: The Asshole or Yourself? Everyone grab your story mats and some popcorn! Becca, they’re all yours!
So at the end of every relationship I can honestly say I hate myself. This I think is true of most women. There’s something intrinsic in the way we’re wired that says when something doesn’t work out, it must be my fault, even if the guy was the biggest asshole on the face of the earth, I always come away thinking, “well if I had just done this,” or “if I hadn’t done that….” But the truth of the matter is that it’s easier to hate myself than to hate him. Case in point… if I admit to myself that I really hate that douche bucket I am in fact admitting that I really hate things in me, flaws in me, which I already knew existed, so it’s like hating myself twice, whereas if I just hate only myself then it’s not so hard… you follow me? At the end of every bad relationship I’ve had I’ve concluded the following:
1. I am a fucked up person
2. I am a total failure
3. No one loves me
4. I’m going to be alone forever
5. It’s all my fault that I’m going to be alone forever
6. This probably means I’ll become a crazy old cat lady
7. I’m allergic to cats
8. Now I’m really going to be alone forever
9. Which brings me back to number 1
This cycle of self- hate can go on for days…………………….. and through buckets of ice cream and tissues. Now that I’ve been married I’m beginning to see the error of my ways. What I truly hated was all that wasted time. Every time I look back on a relationship the first thing I always think to myself is “what a waste of time.” Every moment I spent with the douche bucket telling me how stupid I was, or how ugly I am, or how I need to get down to 110 pounds were moments that I let myself get lost in. It was so much easier to accept the abuse than to fight it, because if I have to fight it that means I have to change something in me, and I just wasn’t ready to go there yet. So yeah sure go ahead and beat on me, it’s ok, because I probably screwed up anyway and deserve it--- see this, THIS RIGHT HERE—that’s what I HATE. EVERY MOMENT that took away my sense of self, that made me believe things that weren’t true, that broke my heart—but you know what—HE NEVER BROKE MY SPIRIT. It got close some days, really close, but I kept holding on, holding out for that day when I’d finally say ENOUGH.
So let me ask you this… you are probably not in an abusive relationship, and if you are, darling, honey, please GET OUT NOW, it’s not OKAY, and you do DESERVE BETTER. I’ll list some helpful resources at the end of this post to help you out. Sweetie, do yourself a favor and let go, and get out NOW, TODAY before your “one more time” becomes your “one last time.” You are strong enough to do it. I believe in you.
Now that my little PSA is over... If you’re in a relationship that is unsatisfactory to you, that has you feeling like you’re just wasting time, where you’re losing your sense of self, darling, you probably are. Life is too short for you to keep losing yourself in someone else’s head space. It’s so much easier to deny things to yourself than to accept things for what they really are. You know if your significant other is a total asshole. Don’t lie to yourself. It’s ok. Guess what, I promise you that there is someone out there waiting for you who is not an asshole. He/She is going to love you just as you are. FACT. He/she will encourage you to be who you TRULY are, and not change you into what they want you to be. You deserve this. The break-up is going to be hard, it’s going to hurt like HELL, but when it’s over and you come out the other side, things will be better because even if you hate yourself: whether it’s the flaws you see in yourself, or the things you got tangled up in, or even if you hate the other person, YOU WILL BE BETTER because of your break-up. It’s going to take a while, and like grieving everyone has a different length of time that it’s going to take to pick up the pieces and move back on. But while you’re picking up the pieces try to be KIND to yourself ok. I know it’s hard. There’s a thousand and one scenarios running through your head and everywhere you turn something else reminds of your past relationship but just hang tough and hang in there. When the dust settles I’m hoping you’ll find that like me… I didn’t really hate myself or him for that matter. I hated the things he did to me, and I hated losing myself in those things, but honestly I don’t hate him, not really, well ok maybe a little bit… but you know what I definitely don’t HATE myself. I may be hard on myself, my own worst enemy thing… but then again aren’t we all?
So at the end of a relationship hate the things that kept you in it, and let go of the things you couldn’t control. Not to worry loves, there’s someone out there for all of us, if we’re just brave enough to go looking for it.
Until next week,
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship please check on this link for help.