Thursday, December 1, 2011

Sexing You Up 50s Style (My Magic Apron)

Man- What are you wearing? (Pervy phone sex question)

Me- A black/geo print running top. 

Man- That's all? (lustiness building in his voice)

Me- Well, no. I'm also wearing boy shorts, a bra, jeans, crew socks, and Nikes. 

Man- Wow. No baseball cap? (sarcasm)

Me- No. My hair looks okay today. 

My work wardrobe is essentially the very same thing I would wear on a weekend trip to Walmart or Target. It's not fancy, itchy, expensive, or any of that nonsense. It's so much the standard these days that if I happen to walk into work in corporate attire everyone would wonder if I had a job interview somewhere else. I frequently throw on a cute top or fun shoes, but that's usually as far as it goes. The other day on Facebook I mentioned that I was wearing my trendiest holey jeans... dressed up with some awesome boots. 

So basically, I dress like the girl who's already snagged her man. That man is obviously into sports and working out because I am usually 2 minutes and a shower stall away from being ready to hit the treadmill. Can you picture it yet? Well knock it off. Let's envision instead what I aspire to be... 

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If you've never been to Anne Taintor's website head on over there and have a peek. From now on I'd like you to envision me as a glamorous, if a little bitchy, 50's housewife. There's just something about Anne's images and use of snarky captions that just screams my name. 

A few years ago one of my girlfriends gave me a postcard from Anne's collection and I was a smitten kitten! It was then that I realized that deep down inside I am an old school trampy witch (maybe not that deep down). I love the lipstick, the shoes, hell I even want an apron. As I walked through Target the other day I saw a couple of awesome aprons and had to slap my own hand to keep from tossing them in the cart. Once Christmas is over I'm getting one. Something tells me those aprons are like the super hero capes of domesticated suburbia. 

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There are a few things that appeal to me about Anne's ladies. I like to consider myself a modern woman. I make my own money, pay my own bills, enjoy my cocktails, and dream of a fancy life while I'm trapped in my regular world. Beneath that layer is a domestic goddess who wants to bake, try new recipes, find a great wine/food pairing, decorate and make a nice home. 

Sure, if you know me in real life you're thinking... "WTF Angie? I've seen your house, bitch! Don't lie!" To you folks all I can say is, "I want too! Get off my back" 

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That's not all, folks! If I were on a late night TV infomercial you would be chomping at the bit because... that's right... WAIT THERE'S MORE! Now I'm not saying I can be had for 3 easy payments of $19.95, but maybe I want to look cheap. There you go. Another confession. Okay, maybe not cheap as much as naughty or wild. 

Here's how I see it going down. Future husband (who will obviously be sexy and smart and funny and really good in bed) will come home from a business trip or a long day at work (whatever... he can be a crab fisherman for all I care as long as he's sexy, smart, funny, and good in bed). I'll meet FH at the door wearing my very best Bettie Page (before the leather and whips) pencil dress, hot heels that make my butt look AMAZING, and of course my sexy super hero apron that says, "All that and domestic too!". Obviously I will be ready with a martini (or something equally intoxicating... ME) and a promise of a hot meal (also ME)

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FH will be so happy to see me (if you know what I mean) we'll go straight to dessert, and THAT'S where I'll bring out the Bettie Page everyone knows and loves. The poor guy won't know what hit him (a whip), but he'll like it (because I said so).  If he's a good boy I might even leave on the heels and the apron. 

So there's my departure from the real me for the day. It was a beautiful dream of someday, but my boss is going to start wondering what I did with my afternoon soon. Time for me to get my jeans and a track shirt self back to work, but I think tonight I might get all glammed up just for the fun of it. 

Am I the only one out there hiding a few alter egos? 


Jen said...

I knew we were separated at birth. On my desk as we speak is my Anne Taintor "Maybe I want to look cheap" coffee mug and my screen saver is the "Honey, you couldn't handle half of me" icon. Squee! I "heart" you, Angie!

Andrea said...

And I felt fancy for wearing corduroys today! At least folks know I'm coming!

Angie said...

I <2 you... It's settled. I'm joining your commune. haha She has the best stuff. I think I might order my mom some of her barware for their bar!

I was going to take a pic of my slacker gear today, but I was too embarrassed. Corduroys are 10x better than my holey jeans!

Leauxra said...

I use to dress up at work, but I seriously got tired of all the "Where'd you get the interview?" questions. Really? Can't a girl look smart sometimes?

I have been considering having a MadMen party once a month or something, just so I have an excuse to dress like that.

Instead, I wear the jeans I bought at a discount from Amazon because I tried them on somewhere else and knew they would fit. That is kind of like the OPPOSITE of sexy, I think. My biker chick pinup alter ego looks at me with some amount of disdain sometimes.

Fred said...

I've been wearing the same thing for three days, and I've gained ten pounds in the last ten days. I'm crippled and can't work out. My alter-ego is at least ten years younger. Damn it takes a long time to heal the older you get.

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