Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Ho. Ho. Holiday Letter

Dear Family, Friends, and Readers,

Twelve days. That's how many days you have to figure out what you're getting me for Christmas. I'm nothing if not helpful. Please remember that if the item must be shipped to me you have much less time than you think. Oh, and get this Goldilocks, in order to make it less stressful, I've compiled a short list of things I want so that you can get me something that is "Just Right". You're welcome.

1. Peace on earth - I'd settle for peace of mind because that would be fanfreakintastic. Otherwise the earth thing... but mostly in my head.

2. End world hunger- Or just find a way to keep me from wanting to eat everything I see. So that.

3. Stop overpopulation and urban sprawl- Or just keep my kids from making me a grandma until I'm at least forty-five. As a matter of fact, let's start with that.

In all seriousness, I'm serious about all 3 of those things (My serenity, appetite suppression, no grand babies til I'm 45).

Anyway let's get down to business here. It's Christmas letter time. If you don't celebrate Christmas, feel free to swap out the holiday for one of your choosing. It won't change my feelings for you... my super strong feelings that keep me coming back to your bedroom window night after ni... What?

I'm shocked at how quickly 2010 has gone! Huh? Oh, 2011? Wow, faster than I thought. So 2011 it is then! Here's how it has been around our house.

Alex graduated from high school in May. She's been working her hiney off and getting her feet wet in the real world. Watching her experience her first "holy $%^*, what the hell is this going to cost me?!" moments are both hysterical and painful. Regardless, she's kicking ass and taking names. I did get a bit of a shock from the girl this year. She informed me (while bowling) that she's engaged. Obviously my first thought was, "SON OF A B*TCH! PREGNANT?!" As it turns out, she's not pregnant. Just in love. They have agreed to wait until I can trick some poor unsuspecting man into marrying me.... or three years whichever comes first. Most importantly she's not pregnant (nor has she been for the record).

Jacob has been living in Iowa since June. There is something in the water there that encourages the body to get tall. Every time I am home for the weekend he seems to be an inch taller. This has been a really exciting change for a kid who just a year ago said, "I'm going to be short forever." He started high school in the fall and he's doing well. So far I think he's wrecked a motorcycle and a golf cart? I could be wrong on the names of the deathmobiles. Another important note, he's not in jail (nor has he been arrested ever just for clarification).

I've been with my new job for over a year following that debacle with the subliminal nipple Power Point template that probably caused the end of my last company. To my family- That isn't really why we closed so stop shaking your head like you just knew it was my fault. Thanks. I work with a pretty awesome group of people and above all, I get to dress how I like. Alright maybe it's not how I like, but it's effortless. Like the other day I wore an Aeropostale shirt and no one made fun of me. Ahem. I stopped smoking crack back in June and it's really been an uphill battle but, praise Jesus, I'm winning (I didn't really smoke crack to begin with, but I wanted you all to be proud of me). Also... I am neither pregnant or in jail.

So as you can see, things are motoring along smoothly here. I hope no one in your life is in jail, knocked up... unless they want to be, and that you find a little of that Christmas cheer you're going to need to get through the holidays!

PS. I think Santa needs a ride home. If anyone is going that way, please give the fat guy a lift.
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