Tuesday, December 27, 2011

About That Craigslist Casual Encounter Post

Listen, I'm not opposed to people having a good time. If you're an adult and your partner is an adult, you go on and do your "thang". I'm okay with it. Honestly, you people out there looking to get your groove on are the very thing that's getting me through the day today. That's right, today I'm browsing the Casual Encounters section at Craigslist.

On the days when I am feeling particularly low about not being married, having sex, or having someone to come home to at night, I can always count on Craigslist to make me feel perfectly happy with being me. What I am about to suggest could very well kill my fun, but it needs to be said and it needs to be done.


Dear Craigslist Casual Encounter Poster, 

Hey there, buddy! I happened to be sitting around with some co-workers today mocking some ads when we found yours. We don't know each other and I hope we never meet. That would make what I am about to say really awkward. I wanted to point out a few things you might not have realized about your charming ad.

1. You should have that mole checked out. Yes... the one on your uh...well... by your thumb there. It doesn't look right, the edges are irregular and the coloration is strange.

2. Great lighting and perspective on your penis photo! If your skin didn't have that bluish glow of monitor I wouldn't even have guessed it was taken with a webcam. Go you!  I would like to caution you though that if you were going for anonymity (just a guess since you don't have your face in the shot) you may want to take that sweet picture of your parents off your end table there.

3. I am starting to sound picky, but color is something I notice. That being said, your knuckles look positively white! You really should consider a less terrifying grip. I don't know a single woman out there with hands strong enough to give you what you've been giving yourself. You're probably losing like 1-2 girls a year based  on that alone.

4. Google Chrome is pretty great. Have you tried it? Did you know it spell checks everything you type? I'm not even joking! Pretty slick, right? I only bring this up because of your horrendous spelling and irritating use of all caps. I am certain that the type of girl who answers your ad isn't concerned with those things, but I'm thinking of your folks. Eventually someone is going to be doing what I'm doing, and someone in their office is going to say... "Hey! Flip back! Can you make that photo bigger? Christ on a bike! That's Harold and Martha!" It will be bad enough when your Mom's friends find the picture, but do they need to know you write like a 2nd grader? Have some respect man. Just a little.

I don't have a lot more to offer, but I hope that my advice will find you the "HRNY GURL YOUR LUKIN 4". Don't forget to make that Dr. appointment, mmkay?

Sincerely,

Just a girl in the office calling your parents 

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