Friday, December 30, 2011

I know I'm walking funny. It's not what you think.

If you didn't know me yesterday you won't get the full impact of today's post. There's a part of me that feels a little sorry for you right now because I've had a transformation and you won't really be able to tell. You see if we're just finding each other for the first time when you read this post, you'll just think I was always interesting. Not so. Untrue. Well, not AS interesting.

I've had a few of these transformations in my life. The first time I read Tolstoy  I felt so intellectual I wanted to discuss it with everyone I saw reading a book. When I smoked my first cigarette I knew I'd elevated my cool factor to the nth degree. I went from fat awkward girl to Sandy at the end of Grease (in my head). Sitting on the veranda at Gloria Ferrer Winery in Sonoma, CA drinking champagne with my boyfriend and eating fresh roasted almonds with sea salts back in 2006 is the moment I became sophisticated.
So this is exactly how it was... well if the lady were a long haired brunette and the guy was less old white guy and more middle aged Asian dude.

What happened? What was this major life changing, momentous event? I found out I can breathe underwater. I'll let you take that in for a second. That's right... Angie can breathe under water. I'll give you another moment. Okay. Pretty freaking amazing, right? I began at 5 PM and when I finished at 8:30 PM I was a more interesting person. I can now envision myself planning vacations to Fiji or the Great Barrier Reef. I can't imagine being able to afford it, but planning? Hell yeah! 

To prove to you that I didn't just make it all up I am going to share with you a few of the things I learned. Ready? Let's do this.. 

1. Failure to remove nose ring prior to diving will cause you to puncture the interior wall of your nostril when clearing pressure from your ears. 
2. You look stupid standing in the shallow end of the pool wearing full gear. 
3. Attempting to breathe through your nose is stupid and doesn't happen too often before you get a good snort of water through a leaky mask. It's okay to be a mouth breather if you're doing scuba (and only then).
4. I'm totally going to do it again and eventually... not in a pool. 

I am officially going into 2012 with a skill I didn't have when I started 2011. Sure, it took me all damn year to complete one small task, but look how interesting I am now!? I bet people could tell just by the way I was walking that something had changed. Maybe it's the water in my ears that give me that slightly intoxicated stumble in my step... who knows. 

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Hooker Sweat and Shame

With Christmas 2011 officially logged in the annals of history, the mass hysteria of the post Christmas sale has begun. With my son home for holiday break and in serious need of a haircut and the car blinking it's "change oil soon" message at me, we decided to brave the nut jobs at the local Walmart. Where else can you get groceries, an oil change, a hair cut, and a tasty sub all in one convenient location? No place.

There is a deceptive calm emptiness to the store when you come through the doors in Tire and Auto. Even the guys working the counter in Automotive are chilled. Once you make it into the main store the reason for their relaxed mood is clear. No where in the Automotive section will you find discounted bottles of perfume, holiday themed hand soap, Christmas tree socks, and generic (almost fruity) lotion baskets.

The mechanic handed me my claim slip for my car and I handed my cash to my son. He wandered off in the general direction of the Walmart Chop and Shop hair salon and I eased my cart into the flow of crazy slob shopping traffic. With an hour to kill, I decided I might as well visit the front of the store to see what goodies I didn't need, but could put in my cart to make myself look all shopper-like. By the time I'd made it to the front, I had 2 new bath towels, 2 paint rollers, a drop cloth, a new bath mat set, and a few wall hangings to complete my bathroom make over. If I'd been planning a bathroom makeover it would have been completely appropriate. Congratulations, Walmart for having me so terrified of your clearance crazy patrons that I spent 30 whole minutes hiding out in the home section. Tricky bastards.

Have you ever seen a herd of middle aged and elderly women shoving each other with shopping carts? If not I think you still have a day or two to hit Walmart for a quick peek. If it was $5 before it's $2.50 now. If it was $10 before it's $7.50 now. If there was a $3 lotion sampler pack you had your eye on, for the love of God get there now before they're gone because it's only ONE MOTHER LOVIN' DOLLAR PEOPLE. What did I get? I got Hooker Sweat and Shame by some company who does knock off "parfum" stuff for people like me who wander the aisles of Wally World looking for a deal.

Right now for the low low bargain basement price of $2.50, you too can smell like Hooker Sweat and Shame. Go on. Get ya some!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

About That Craigslist Casual Encounter Post

Listen, I'm not opposed to people having a good time. If you're an adult and your partner is an adult, you go on and do your "thang". I'm okay with it. Honestly, you people out there looking to get your groove on are the very thing that's getting me through the day today. That's right, today I'm browsing the Casual Encounters section at Craigslist.

On the days when I am feeling particularly low about not being married, having sex, or having someone to come home to at night, I can always count on Craigslist to make me feel perfectly happy with being me. What I am about to suggest could very well kill my fun, but it needs to be said and it needs to be done.

Dear Craigslist Casual Encounter Poster, 

Hey there, buddy! I happened to be sitting around with some co-workers today mocking some ads when we found yours. We don't know each other and I hope we never meet. That would make what I am about to say really awkward. I wanted to point out a few things you might not have realized about your charming ad.

1. You should have that mole checked out. Yes... the one on your uh...well... by your thumb there. It doesn't look right, the edges are irregular and the coloration is strange.

2. Great lighting and perspective on your penis photo! If your skin didn't have that bluish glow of monitor I wouldn't even have guessed it was taken with a webcam. Go you!  I would like to caution you though that if you were going for anonymity (just a guess since you don't have your face in the shot) you may want to take that sweet picture of your parents off your end table there.

3. I am starting to sound picky, but color is something I notice. That being said, your knuckles look positively white! You really should consider a less terrifying grip. I don't know a single woman out there with hands strong enough to give you what you've been giving yourself. You're probably losing like 1-2 girls a year based  on that alone.

4. Google Chrome is pretty great. Have you tried it? Did you know it spell checks everything you type? I'm not even joking! Pretty slick, right? I only bring this up because of your horrendous spelling and irritating use of all caps. I am certain that the type of girl who answers your ad isn't concerned with those things, but I'm thinking of your folks. Eventually someone is going to be doing what I'm doing, and someone in their office is going to say... "Hey! Flip back! Can you make that photo bigger? Christ on a bike! That's Harold and Martha!" It will be bad enough when your Mom's friends find the picture, but do they need to know you write like a 2nd grader? Have some respect man. Just a little.

I don't have a lot more to offer, but I hope that my advice will find you the "HRNY GURL YOUR LUKIN 4". Don't forget to make that Dr. appointment, mmkay?


Just a girl in the office calling your parents 

Friday, December 23, 2011

Busy day, overloaded car, and being big in Japan

I don't mean to be all Braggy McBragster, but the fact is that if I am home for the weekend there will be others there as well. Okay okay... I am super popular, maybe not with my family, but I'm big in Japan. Mostly because I am 5'9".  

As I prepared to leave the house this morning I checked the list I'd been compiling lo these many weeks. Then I checked it again, scratched a few things off, made another list, misplaced it, rewrote it, found the original, almost fell down the stairs, and stubbed my toe on a chair. Oddly it wasn't even a Christmas list I was checking. This is standard procedure in my world for a trip to Casa de Mama . The holiday is merely coincidence at this point. 

At any rate, there is food to be made and I'm going to make some of it. My brother and his wife are pulling out all the stops (lobster bisque), Mom is doing pan seared scallops, my little sister will undoubtedly shock my arteries with something full fat, and I feel it's only right that I step up my game a little as well. My contributions this trip will include the following: 

1. Shrimp
2. Bacon-Crab spread (I am told this item is 100% responsible for giving at least one girl with a flat ass a nice round badonk) Thx Matt! 
3. Crab legs (if they aren't all gone when I get to the store - no room in the freezer)
4. Brie en croute (with raspberry)
5. Fiery bloody Mary mix (not making this but I know where to get the best of it)

My car is jam packed full of awesome. Aside from the many groceries I am hauling I've got the Christmas presents for the little ones, my own luggage, and 3 sleeping bags taking up space. My own possessions include countless articles of clothing I won't actually wear, at least one pair of shoes I don't know why I bothered to pack, more hair product and implements of youth maintenance than you can shake a stick at, and shit I forgot to take out of my bag the last time I traveled (much like the 3 sleeping bags above that have filled the trunk of the car since July). At this point gale force winds couldn't blow my car off the road. 

So with that, I'm outta here... I have to brave Walmart before I leave town and grab a few last minute items from the many lists I've compiled. Wish me luck and pray I don't strangle any hill billies. Merry Christmas! 

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Office Dare!

tick tock bitches
I've been seeing a common theme this week. Everyone I know seems to be bored almost to the point of death, bordering on blowing their PTO wad, and making a mad dash for the door. For those of us unfortunate enough to be stuck in the office today and tomorrow, I think it might liven things up if we played a little office dare game.

RULES: An initial dare is being posted below.

If you accept a dare the result should be captured by photo if possible. If photo evidence is not possible, please respond in the comment section what dare you've accepted and the result.

If possible to show photographic evidence, post the picture to your Twitter account and link the message in the comment section below. You may also post the picture as proof on your own site or Facebook page if you do not use Twitter. Either way make sure you link the photo in the comment section below and then post a dare for the next person.

Let's see how much fun we can have today!

Dare Numero Uno: 

Hang a 2' long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out, but don't remove it.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

I wouldn't even know what to do with a limp one. Would you?

There are people who will tell you that December flat lines in the sales world when you are a service provider or when you're working in B2B sales. I am here to tell you that is complete bullshit. If you're good at sales you WILL get call backs. You WILL sell something this month. Unfortunately, that person is not me.

The hardest part of working in my field during the month of December is urge to just take all of your saved up comp/vacation time and run like hell. Twice today I've found myself wondering exactly how much time I would need to take if I left RIGHT THIS MINUTE. It's the office equivalent of laying in bed staring at the alarm clock during a particularly rough patch of insomnia. Except it's nearly 8 hours straight and sitting upright. No one likes that.

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On a positive note, pretty much everyone in the office is feeling the same pain. At about 10 AM I found myself staring Forrest Gump-like at my monitor and knew that there wasn't any amount of sugar or caffeine that would help break the December doldrums. That's when I heard the words that would change my day. "I've learned to never give a woman a limp one."

(2 points to the person who knows what this was about)

Excuse me what? How long did it take you to learn that? What are you talking about? Oh my. Maybe I should sit back down. No, it's too late. I've already looked at them with my "holy shit do you realize how that sounded" face.

Just like that, our minds went in the general direction of our sales. From that point on the place sort of livened up a bit. Maybe it was lunch or the extra super strong finely ground World Market coffee, but I personally believe that was the moment we slipped over the edge of sanity.

Runner-up for best overheard in the office

Dawn: "Now just roll them around in your hands a little."
(unheard customer)
Dawn: "I know how to have a good time."

If I leave right now I'll miss a conference call, 4 PM traffic, and I'd only need 21 minutes of PTO to cover it. 20.

Monday, December 19, 2011

How I got stuck in my own coat - An Essay On Insanity

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If I'd been able to stay in bed all weekend (nothing sexy about it), I would have done so gladly. Nothing would have made me happier than curling up with books, movies, and laptop under a pile of blankets while reclining on a mound of pillows. I was/am exhausted. When I received a text message at about 12:30 this morning that read, "Thanks, you too :)" I couldn't even stop the audible outburst. "F*ck you ya self centered asshole. Always thinking you're the most important thing in the world. I don't know why I wasted any time on someone like you. Find someone else to stroke your ego when you're not too busy. Prick. Well not again. Screw you, jerk!" and then Naomi Campbell'd it against the floor (thank God for area rugs). A few tears rolled down my face to my pillow and I slipped blissfully back to sleep.

I knew today would have to be better. I made it to the office on time, Monster Lo-Carb in hand, wielding a chocolate frosted doughnut to tame the savage beast that was my appetite. Everything flowed along nicely until about 11. I was talking to a friend over lunch today when something signaled my brain that if the other person said one more word I was going to cry. It wasn't offensive at all. As a matter of fact it was sweet. I'm a big softy, ya know.

"Maybe I just need to get out of the office. This going to work in the dark and coming home at dusk is a downer. A quick trip outside into the fresh air will help." I thought. Reaching into my purse, I located my gloves, slipped my coat on, donned my sunglasses, and headed for the door. When I reached the door I thought it best to check my pockets to make sure I had my office key card. I slipped my hands inside my coat pockets and felt the keys and breathed a sigh of relief. At least I wouldn't have to walk back to my desk looking like a forgetful moron. My arms made the motion designed to remove my hands from my pockets.

"Son of a bitch! I'm stuck!" A moment of panic hit me as powerfully as if I were climbing a ladder in a tunnel filling with water only to find the hatch at the top locked from the outside (recurring dream since childhood... scary shit man). You see, my gloves have thick fluffy cuffs on them and when I shoved my hands in my pockets the cuffs went in too. Easier in than out apparently, when I pulled my hands back they caught. Was I stuck? No. We all know I wasn't freaking stuck. Don't be ridiculous. Anyone would know that, but anyone does not include my brain. OBVIOUSLY.

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80's Flashback Memory Intermission

When I was about 9 or 10, I recall my sister and I asking one of my mother's friends for a little insight into an age old question. "Joyce? Why does our Mom cry?" we asked. Looking back I know that Joyce was being kind. She gave us the soft answer when the truth was, "Because you kids are assholes. Stop fighting. She's got enough shit going on without you brats making it worse."

Do you see there how I used a past experience to make me feel better about the fact that I can't always be stoic? I get it from my mom. She cried sometimes so it must be hereditary right? WRONG!

1. Tired
2. Hungry
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3. Angry
4. Emotional
5. Hungry
6. Irrational 
7. I'm still sort of hungry

Let's get something clear here, okay? PMS is real. There is nothing make believe about it, and it may affect someone you know (me). If you want to argue with me about it that's fine, but it's important that you know ahead of time that you're wrong.

PS. I do not regret feeling like I have spent too much time in my life on people who can't reciprocate because they are emotionally vacant. I do regret throwing my phone. There are cookies in the break room. Don't mind if I do.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Wag Vs. Angie Christmas Conundrum

Here's the conundrum: How will we celebrate Christmas and spend time with our families during this season of festivities? 

Answer: With a, "Hey do you mind if we miss a week?" followed by, "Sure, do you mind if we miss next week too?", we've decided to come back fresh and new and likely hungover in January. Shane will be entertaining family without underwear or ecstasy (you'll have to ask him), and I'll be ho-ho-ho-ing my way to Iowa and back.

Enjoy your holidays or simply the time off it affords you! 

Friday, December 16, 2011

Trust me. It's a forest. Ask anyone.

Are your friends and family telling you that you shouldn't let your partner treat you the way they do? Maybe there's something to what they are saying. Maybe you're too far in to see what is happening in your relationship. Perhaps you'll read this and say, "Whatever, lady. You don't know me!" You're right! I don't. So who better to give you a quick glimpse of what's going on than someone with no ties to your life? Do yourself a favor and look at the list below.

1. You are not allowed to have a social media account without approval  (t)  (f)

2. You are not allowed to have friends on said account without your partner also being friends with the person  (t)  (f)

3. Your partner checks your cell phone when you arrive home to see what calls or texts you've made/received  (t)  (f)

4. Your partner has sole access to all log in details for your cell phones so they may later to check to see if you deleted anything before he/she could check your phone physically  (t)  (f)  

5. If you are away from your partner for more than 30 minutes without permission you are sure to have at least 1 voice mail or text message asking where you are and when you will return  (t)  (f) 

6. You feel something strange bulging under the skin on your ass cheek. Upon inspection by a doctor, you're informed that you've been Lo-Jacked  (t)  (f) 

Does the above list look familiar? The last one seems funny, but it's not really a joke. Looking back on one of my relationships in particular, I still find myself asking how in the hell I ended up in the cast of a shitty Lifetime Movie.

Moreover, I have to wonder how I came across to everyone that my ex had contact with. You've heard the saying, "The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist." Well, the greatest trick controlling partners ever pull is making their partner feel like the crazy one.

The first reaction is feeling like your partner is a jerk. It won't take long before you voice that opinion and the rationalization will begin. That rationalization will belong to the controller. "I am entitled to feel this way because you did ____ and that was unfair. You hurt me and now I don't trust you." It's going to be emotional and convincing. Before you know it, you are the asshole.

It could be as simple as forgetting their favorite cereal when you're at the store. Obviously you don't care about them or you would remember they like the Honey Bunches of Oats with almonds NOT the pecans, you selfish jerk! You started out as forgetful, but in the space of time it took to move groceries into the house you've become passive aggressive, a plotter, a schemer, and definitely not to be trusted.

Seeing a friend in this situation is troubling, to say the least. Still, when it happened in my group of friends we didn't think much of it. There is a chance that we ignored the situation or downplayed it for such a long time because our friend is a guy. Go ahead and make the pussy-whipped-no-balls jokes. We did. I'll wait. Alright, great, moving on.

Anyone who has been through this or witnessed it has said pretty much the same thing, "They need to get out of that situation! It's not healthy and it's potentially dangerous!" The same holds true for men as it does for women. The excuses for why they stay sound familiar too. "It's not that bad. I mean what about the kids? It's not fair to leave them alone with her. She's going to make me look like the bad parent. Besides, I couldn't leave if I wanted to. My money is tied up in the house and cars. Plus, what if she does something crazy?"

While I'm not a fan of divorce in the sense that I herd people in that direction as a rule, the most comprehensive list I have found regarding the behaviors of people who are controlling and those being controlled is located at You're still right. I still don't know you. I don't know how much you love him/her. I don't know all of the horrible things you may or may not have done to feel you deserve to be treated the way you allow yourself to be treated. I'm willing to bet that the writers and lawyers and psychologists consulted over at Divorce360 don't know you either. You win.

Here's what I can tell you with a fair sense of accuracy: If you find yourself surrounded by trees and everyone is telling you it's a forest, you may want to start looking for bears because there's a damn good chance you're in the forest. 

It's up to you now. 

Women don’t have to live in fear:

Male victims of abuse can call:

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Blog Swap! Becca Takes Over

Live from the desk of Becca over at I'm Pretty Sure That... There's something to be said for the same sex relationship! 

Well I don’t know if you’re like me, but if you are (and I’m hoping for your sake that you really aren’t), you’ve dated enough men or had at least one bad relationship that made you say, “I’m never going to be with another man EVER.” Aside from that whole bi-curious period you had in college (what… I cannot be the only one here), the idea of actually being in a physical and emotional relationship with another woman isn’t really for me: HOWEVER, I will take just the emotional piece ANY DAY OVER THE WEEK OVER ANY DICK. HANDS DOWN.

I know right, you’re thinking whoa lady, aren’t you married? Well I am. And I have a wonderful husband whom I love very much, but let’s face it shall weà women and men speak two different languages when it comes to communicating and feelings. What I need is another wife, just for me. If you weren’t aware Angie and I are already planning our up and coming wedding in New Hampshire because well shit.. there are things we need the men folk ain’t putting out… case in point:

1. I have a crying routine. Wait, hear me out. Occasionally I get upset and cry. In the bathroom. Where I keep my special Kleenex that are cool to the touch, literally, because it helps de-puff my eyes and nose afterwards. Then I wash my face and roll on a Clinique eye gel and Smashbox Halo powder to really de-puff and take away the redness from my nose. I mention this ONLY because my husband doesn’t understand my routine. He thinks it’s pointless and silly which usually only makes me more upset. Angie on the other hand TOTALLY understands my routine and even added in a couple of priceless pointers… WOMEN ARE GOOD AT UNDERSTANDING YOUR INEVITABLE NEROUSIS.

2. I am tired. Every day. When I leave my day job I go home to my other job as wife and mom. I would love to go home to a wife. Really. I love my kids and my Mr. but if I have to pick up another GD sock because he doesn’t know how to place it in the hamper 2 feet away from him I am GOING TO MOTHER FUCKING MURDER SOMEONE. Another wife would know this, and quietly put the sock in the hamper for me as to avoid total a nuclear meltdown. Another wife would be awesome because she would put cute post it reminders in my purse for me about what to get for dinner, or not to forget so and so’s birthday, or just because. She would also understand why I forgot to pick up the dry cleaning and why I’m just too damn exhausted to cook dinner. I might even get so lucky as to have a wife who would cook dinner for me and then get up 1,000 times during the dinner to get the kids this, that or the other. WOMEN ARE GOOD AT HOUSEWORK (what it’s true………)

3.  Finally I have secrets. Great wonderful secrets that my husband doesn’t care about. He doesn’t care about the latest Pre-school scandal to rock the neighborhood or the fact that my friend’s cousin’s daughter just got knocked up, or that his mother totally pissed me off. You know who always cares about this stuffà my other girlfriends. They love to hear the gossip and dole out un-needed advice. Sometimes I just want to talk about shit just to talk about it and laugh and drink some wine and whatever… the hubs, bless his soul, couldn’t give two shits in the bushes about it. Eye rolling is not a suitable answer to my latest bit of news… I want to hear the high pitched squeal of “oh no he didn’t,” or “go on….” Rather than the empty silence of an un-amused hubby. He tries, but really he doesn’t care. WOMEN CARE ABOUT THE TRIVIAL THINGS IN LIFE.

So there you have it. That wraps it up. The three main points of why having the same sex partner is wonderful and maybe even necessary. And don’t get me wrong I’m not all about the Wife-Wife experience. I am sure the husband would love another husband to hang out with, get into trouble with, and do basic tomfoolery fuck around stuff with… I’m sure his list of reasons is at least a mile long, and the first point on his list is: MEN DON’T HAVE A CRYING ROUTINE.

But you know, what do I know…

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Ho. Ho. Holiday Letter

Dear Family, Friends, and Readers,

Twelve days. That's how many days you have to figure out what you're getting me for Christmas. I'm nothing if not helpful. Please remember that if the item must be shipped to me you have much less time than you think. Oh, and get this Goldilocks, in order to make it less stressful, I've compiled a short list of things I want so that you can get me something that is "Just Right". You're welcome.

1. Peace on earth - I'd settle for peace of mind because that would be fanfreakintastic. Otherwise the earth thing... but mostly in my head.

2. End world hunger- Or just find a way to keep me from wanting to eat everything I see. So that.

3. Stop overpopulation and urban sprawl- Or just keep my kids from making me a grandma until I'm at least forty-five. As a matter of fact, let's start with that.

In all seriousness, I'm serious about all 3 of those things (My serenity, appetite suppression, no grand babies til I'm 45).

Anyway let's get down to business here. It's Christmas letter time. If you don't celebrate Christmas, feel free to swap out the holiday for one of your choosing. It won't change my feelings for you... my super strong feelings that keep me coming back to your bedroom window night after ni... What?

I'm shocked at how quickly 2010 has gone! Huh? Oh, 2011? Wow, faster than I thought. So 2011 it is then! Here's how it has been around our house.

Alex graduated from high school in May. She's been working her hiney off and getting her feet wet in the real world. Watching her experience her first "holy $%^*, what the hell is this going to cost me?!" moments are both hysterical and painful. Regardless, she's kicking ass and taking names. I did get a bit of a shock from the girl this year. She informed me (while bowling) that she's engaged. Obviously my first thought was, "SON OF A B*TCH! PREGNANT?!" As it turns out, she's not pregnant. Just in love. They have agreed to wait until I can trick some poor unsuspecting man into marrying me.... or three years whichever comes first. Most importantly she's not pregnant (nor has she been for the record).

Jacob has been living in Iowa since June. There is something in the water there that encourages the body to get tall. Every time I am home for the weekend he seems to be an inch taller. This has been a really exciting change for a kid who just a year ago said, "I'm going to be short forever." He started high school in the fall and he's doing well. So far I think he's wrecked a motorcycle and a golf cart? I could be wrong on the names of the deathmobiles. Another important note, he's not in jail (nor has he been arrested ever just for clarification).

I've been with my new job for over a year following that debacle with the subliminal nipple Power Point template that probably caused the end of my last company. To my family- That isn't really why we closed so stop shaking your head like you just knew it was my fault. Thanks. I work with a pretty awesome group of people and above all, I get to dress how I like. Alright maybe it's not how I like, but it's effortless. Like the other day I wore an Aeropostale shirt and no one made fun of me. Ahem. I stopped smoking crack back in June and it's really been an uphill battle but, praise Jesus, I'm winning (I didn't really smoke crack to begin with, but I wanted you all to be proud of me). Also... I am neither pregnant or in jail.

So as you can see, things are motoring along smoothly here. I hope no one in your life is in jail, knocked up... unless they want to be, and that you find a little of that Christmas cheer you're going to need to get through the holidays!

PS. I think Santa needs a ride home. If anyone is going that way, please give the fat guy a lift.
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Monday, December 12, 2011

Wag Vs. Angie: Tell Your Mother I Said...

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Welcome to Wag Vs Angie episode 14 bagillion. This week we're going to tackle something that many couples go through. The dreaded in-laws. In a perfect world, you will love your mother and father in law almost as much as you love your immediate family. In the real world, all the crazy shit your partner does that drives you absolutely insane came from somewhere right?

So here's the question: If your parents do/say something that offends your partner, whose job is it to address the issue with the parents?

I'm going to go into this argument with the assumption that we're talking about a couple of grown adults. As such, if your in-laws have done something to offend you it is YOUR job to address the problem. Obviously you would like your spouse to back you up, but putting your partner in the middle of your issues is unfair. That's not all, having your partner do your dirty makes you look like you're trying to drive a wedge between your spouse and his/her parents.

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You should address the issue on your own without your partner present. Everyone deserves a level playing field and perhaps the slight was not intended. Having your partner fight the battle for you makes you look weak and manipulative. The grown up thing to do would be to handle your business like the adult you claimed to be when you signed up for the relationship.

Do you really need your husband to tell his mother that it hurts your feelings when she criticizes your hairstyle? Is it necessary to have your wife tell her father that you get upset when he tries to tell you how to chop wood? Negative and negative. You should always be able to count on your spouse to have your back, but that doesn't mean you put them in the line of fire.

You're not the horrible old bat I always thought you were! 
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Awww, well if I had known you were a big Cry-baby-Sally I never would have said your outfit makes you look like a $3 hooker! 

Shane, tell me why you think it's your duty to fight your partners battle with your parents (well not YOU specifically). 

Friday, December 9, 2011

Slap a bow on it, cuz that's a "Rap" y'all!

Well it appears as though we've made it to the end of the work week (well for most of us anyway). Sort of shocking, isn't it? Hell, I didn't think I was going to make it past Tuesday, but here I am about to wrap your week up with a Goll Dang bow (that's right... goll dang)!

-An epic battle of Wag Vs. Angie left me all butt-hurt and bitchy and then I was insensitive and horrible and had to write a follow up email to say, "Listen, I know I'm a bitch, but... " What that tells me is that there is more to say. We do still have differences. If we don't communicate with people of opposing views and opinions how can we ever hope to understand? I applaud every single person who has been giving their comments on our weekly topics. Every week I am a little more surprised at how much two people who are saying ALMOST the same thing can find a way to debate it. It's a matter of those grey areas everyone seems so fond of seeing.

-I was essentially called old by a cashier at Walmart and decided that I am totally getting some Forever Lazy pj's next time I am at Wally World. Unattractive? Yes. Awesome? Duh! It's not like I'm wearing them out anywhere, but as soon as I saw the option to "Do nothing at all" when wearing them I said, "Angie this is SO you! You already don't do a damned thing, but you're cold when you're not doing it. WIN!"

So that's how that went down. There's a real possibility that this awesomeness will be in my possession by Saturday afternoon. For anyone I'm supposed to be mingling with tomorrow night at the Landshark Scuba party, the distracted look in my eyes isn't because of you, okay maybe it is, but I digress... it's probably because I am waiting for the appropriate amount of time to pass so I can go home and get cozy! Shut up! It comes with some awesome matching socks and a drop flap in the back. Your jealousy is noted.

-Not only did I not have to worry about boring my regular readers with my daily BS, but I was able to go torture a whole new group over at I'm Pretty Sure That! Becca came over and wrote for my blog and was far more eloquent than I. That's okay though because later in the week she had a rap-off with Social Assassin and claimed a victory. In the glow of her win, she wrote a rap for guess who... ME! We should stop playing the "guess who" and "guess what" games. I feel like I'm always the winner. Oh right, because I AM!

- Today has been beautiful, no exaggeration kids. David stopped by my desk today with a delivery from the FedEx man. Well when you get a package in the mail (and you know you don't have any warrants out for your arrest and no one is having you served) it's a pretty exciting thing. No, I won't tell you who it's from because then everyone will want to be their friend and I don't share. I will/did share some of the goodies.

My eye wandered to the pen on my desk and then back to the box in front of me. I chuckled to myself, "Ha! Tape won't keep me out!" I grabbed for the pen and stabbed the top of the box. SUCCESS! Inside was the best basket of goodies I've ever seen in my life. Cheeses, French chocolates, Italian black truffle almonds, 2 bottles of wine, crackers, cheeses from various countries in Europe, olives, cookies, and even a carving board and cleaver.

Seriously all, there is enough cheese here to stop a nationwide outbreak of infectious diarrhea! This is actually a good thing. Since the end of this post is being written so much later in the evening... we did actually as a group (five of us), eat ALL of the spring rolls with chili sauce that were planned for tomorrow's festivities and Lord knows we might be fighting distress tomorrow considering the vast amount of chili/horseradish/spices involved in the making of what should have been appetizers. It looks like tomorrow I am going to be off to the store to find a replacement treat!

Alright...I'll be back again on Sunday if the cheese doesn't work. Muah! Hey? Who loves you most? Probably me (or your mom... )

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Conversations that had me... (not my fault)

When I'm not here reading, writing, commenting, and searching for new blogs... I have regular conversations just like you. I go shopping, talk with my friends on the phone, at work, on Facebook,  and on messenger. I'm no different than you. We're exactly the same. Like identical. Really. 

Checking out at Walmart with cheap champagne
Cashier: Are you over 21? I think you are. 
Me: What gave it away? The fact that I'm buying fuses and a furnace filter? All the cool young kids are buying those these days aren't they? 
Cashier: No, you just don't look that young. I mean...You don't look like... (blushing).. You know what I mean. 
Me: Uh yeah... you have a good night. 

In the ladies room
Dawn: I have to tell you about my dream last night. You were in it. 
Me: I was? Was I cute?
Dawn: It wasn't like that. We were having an intervention for you. 
Me: Oh? (panic setting in) 
Dawn: You were down to 90 pounds. You were on a treadmill and you had these big knees and stick like legs. 
Me: Oh, okay.
Dawn: It wasn't about that. The intervention wasn't about your weight. It was about your butt. You had no butt left. 
Me: (trying to look at my own butt)... Okay, but was I cute?

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In the Office
Coworker- That's how you know you've reached rock bottom. 
Me- How? 
Coworker- Being traded for cigarettes in the county lock up. 

On Facebook

David: Starting to feel like a financial penis
Me: OMG I thought you were ejaculating money. Had to check in. 
David: lol, If only
Me: When that happens my # is ###-###-####

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Becca: Men are so sensitive. 
Me: I know, right? It's okay for me to get so mad I cry, but men should go off and scratch something. It's their job. 

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On the Phone
Friend: Guess what I did. 
Me:  My God. Did you get something else pierced?
Friend: Yeah... but that's not all. 
Me: Oh shit. 

See... I'm just like you. We're the same! What? Yes we are!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Who do you hate the most? (Blog Swap)

Have you ever taken one look at your blog and thought,”If I write one more post like this someone will get crushed in the panic to find a life boat off my sinking ship!” You’re not alone. The other day as I read back one of my drafts, I really just wanted to strangle myself. (Enter Becca)

Do you know Becca from I’m Pretty Sure That? If you don’t you should! Better yet, I’ve decided to hand over the reins to my site once a week to her while I go over to her site and cause some trouble. The other day after a particularly revealing conversation when we were both being naughty (you decide how to take that), we sort of realized we share a lot of the same experiences. She’s done things a little differently than I have and has become a wildly successful wedding groper. I became a moderately embarrassing back of the convertible farmer flasher. So who better to swap with?

Now I’m going over to her place to cover this week’s topic: Who Do You Hate More When the Relationship Ends: The Asshole or Yourself?  Everyone grab your story mats and some popcorn! Becca, they’re all yours!

So at the end of every relationship I can honestly say I hate myself. This I think is true of most women. There’s something intrinsic in the way we’re wired that says when something doesn’t work out, it must be my fault, even if the guy was the biggest asshole on the face of the earth, I always come away thinking, “well if I had just done this,” or “if I hadn’t done that….” But the truth of the matter is that it’s easier to hate myself than to hate him.  Case in point… if I admit to myself that I really hate that douche bucket I am in fact admitting that I really hate things in me, flaws in me, which I already knew existed, so it’s like hating myself twice, whereas if I just hate only myself then it’s not so hard… you follow me?  At the end of every bad relationship I’ve had I’ve concluded the following:

1.       I am a fucked up person
2.       I am a total failure
3.       No one loves me
4.       I’m going to be alone forever
5.       It’s all my fault that I’m going to be alone forever
6.       This probably means I’ll become a crazy old cat lady
7.       I’m allergic to cats
8.       Now I’m really going to be alone forever
9.       Which brings me back to number 1

This cycle of self- hate can go on for days…………………….. and through buckets of ice cream and tissues.  Now that I’ve been married I’m beginning to see the error of my ways.  What I truly hated was all that wasted time. Every time I look back on a relationship the first thing I always think to myself is “what a waste of time.” Every moment I spent with the douche bucket telling me how stupid I was, or how ugly I am, or how I need to get down to 110 pounds were moments that I let myself get lost in.  It was so much easier to accept the abuse than to fight it, because if I have to fight it that means I have to change something in me, and I just wasn’t ready to go there yet. So yeah sure go ahead and beat on me, it’s ok, because I probably screwed up anyway and deserve it--- see this, THIS RIGHT HERE—that’s what I HATE. EVERY MOMENT that took away my sense of self, that made me believe things that weren’t true, that broke my heart—but you know what—HE NEVER BROKE MY SPIRIT.  It got close some days, really close, but I kept holding on, holding out for that day when I’d finally say ENOUGH.

So let me ask you this… you are probably not in an abusive relationship, and if you are, darling, honey, please GET OUT NOW, it’s not OKAY, and you do DESERVE BETTER.  I’ll list some helpful resources at the end of this post to help you out. Sweetie, do yourself a favor and let go, and get out NOW, TODAY before your “one more time” becomes your “one last time.” You are strong enough to do it. I believe in you.

Now that my little PSA is over...  If you’re in a relationship that is unsatisfactory to you, that has you feeling like you’re just wasting time, where you’re losing your sense of self, darling, you probably are. Life is too short for you to keep losing yourself in someone else’s head space. It’s so much easier to deny things to yourself than to accept things for what they really are.  You know if your significant other is a total asshole. Don’t lie to yourself. It’s ok. Guess what, I promise you that there is someone out there waiting for you who is not an asshole. He/She is going to love you just as you are. FACT.  He/she will encourage you to be who you TRULY are, and not change you into what they want you to be. You deserve this. The break-up is going to be hard, it’s going to hurt like HELL, but when it’s over and you come out the other side, things will be better because even if you hate yourself: whether it’s the flaws you see in yourself, or the things you got tangled up in, or even if you hate the other person, YOU WILL BE BETTER because of your break-up. It’s going to take a while, and like grieving everyone has a different length of time that it’s going to take to pick up the pieces and move back on. But while you’re picking up the pieces try to be KIND to yourself ok. I know it’s hard. There’s a thousand and one scenarios running through your head and everywhere you turn something else reminds of your past relationship but just hang tough and hang in there.  When the dust settles I’m hoping you’ll find that like me… I didn’t really hate myself or him for that matter. I hated the things he did to me, and I hated losing myself in those things, but honestly I don’t hate him, not really, well ok maybe a little bit… but you know what I definitely don’t HATE myself.  I may be hard on myself, my own worst enemy thing… but then again aren’t we all?

So at the end of a relationship hate the things that kept you in it, and let go of the things you couldn’t control. Not to worry loves, there’s someone out there for all of us, if we’re just brave enough to go looking for it.

Until next week,



If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship please check on this link for help.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

I have to tell you something... I'm not all here... but that's not it.

I must confess that I've been sort of floating around in a funk lately, half my mind on what I was going to wear for the work party, half my mind on the past, and half my mind on learning to do math. Last week I opened my email to find a little somethin'somethin' from Andrea over at Maybe it's just me...  and I'm just now getting my ass in gear to publish this bit of excitement! 

Guess what I got? Come on... Guess... Oh this is taking too long... Liebster Award! 

I am going to steal the next bit straight from Andrea, because she researched it and she's pretty darn reliable. 

Liebster is the German word for friend or love. My google search (rules, I need rules people) told me that the aim of this award is to bring attention to blogs with fewer than 200 followers. Oh, and I think the giver is a fan of the recipients blog. 

Oh where to begin? Well let's see... I follow about a billion blogs (um okay not a billion), but I'm going to pick three blogs that don't get nearly the attention they deserve. 

1. I'm pretty sure that... Becca 
Ah Becca, my female soul mate that never lies to me about her affection or promises things she can't deliver. She delivers us the goods on marriage, parenting, family, relationships, and learning to love yourself, and she does it all with snark and a smile. Careful what you say while you're over there though cuz she's got a fancy new prison shiv. Don't make her use it... mmmkay? 

2. Left Coast Guy... Dean
Initially I found Dean over at The Fred Effect and he quickly became one of my daily reads. It's not often you find someone who has the ability to weave words into poetry while slapping you in the face with a little bit of refreshing reality all in the same post. His work never fails to leave me wondering how he's managed to not publish a million dollar best seller. Oh and he's good looking, which never HURTS a cause. 

3. it's so FUZZY!... Jaime
Admittedly, I'm sort of new to Jaime's page, but each post has made me giggle so I feel I'm pretty safe in my praise here. Let's be honest... anyone who finds humor in inappropriately captioned Star Trek pictures is going to get my vote. I found her over at Wag The Dad and then stalked her all the way to the twitter. That's right.. I stalked. It was worth it. Pop on over and say hi! You won't regret it! 

Now if you three could pass this little award on and keep it moving we can help get others the recognition they so rightfully deserve! 

Alright kids, that's all for today. Drop by tomorrow because I've got a lil something new for you! (does a naughty dance... or doesn't depending on how you want me to sway you to come back)

Monday, December 5, 2011

Wag Vs. Angie: A kiss is just a kiss... Or is it?

This week we're kissing.... Well we're not. Not each other. Well I'm not kissing anyone. Shane? How's the make-out session going over there? No, we're going to talk about kissing someone when you're supposed to be married or otherwise committed. Is it cheating? Shane doesn't think so. I happen to think it's a window drug to naked time. 

Oh, Shane. One of us is usually the idealistic one and it’s usually not you.

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Let me tell you where you’re right this week. Relationships do change over time. I stand by the belief that being married or in a committed relationship doesn’t mean you have to jab your eyes out of your head. There is no way that I know of that will keep your mind from having the random thought about someone other than your partner, but there has to be a line somewhere.

Is a kiss forgivable? For most people, yes. Does that make it right? No. A kiss isn’t an intangible notion, it’s a physical act. Ask a lot of people and they will tell you that kissing is the best part of the physical contact short of an orgasm. It’s passionate. It’s heated. It’s the moment when the the line in the sand is scuffed with footprints pointing the wrong way. When you cross over that line you know it. 

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If you have any doubt about it, ask yourself the following:

1. Would my partner feel betrayed?
2. If my partner walked in right now, what would happen?
3. How do I feel now that I’m on my way back to my partner?
4. When/If my partner finds out how long will it take me to gain back the lost trust?

When your spouse is physically attracted enough to another person that they physically cross the line it is a very hard pill to swallow for the partner left on the sidelines. When it happened to me, it made me wonder how much of my relationship was complete bullshit. Did he even find me attractive? Does he lie to me about other things? Has it happened before? What have I done wrong that has caused this obvious lacking that leads to him looking on someone else’s Blueberry Hill to find a thrill?

I don’t know a single person, male or female, who hasn’t been betrayed at some point in their life by someone who promised to be faithful. My girlfriend’s relationship had been flowing along nicely, but upon finding an unknown name and number in her boyfriend’s wallet every past betrayal flashed back. It turned out to be an ongoing flirtation that when confronted about it, her man spilled details like a murderer that had been dying to get caught. They have worked through the situation and put their relationship back on track. My point is, if a slip of paper causes this much hurt, what would a kiss do?

Even in the best relationship it will cause hurt, distrust, and often long term damage. Is it the ultimate marital sin? Probably not. Do most people forgive it? Yep, but hell most people forgive a one time sexual transgression. It’s not the worst that could happen, but it’s still cheating. 

Sunday, December 4, 2011

For the children: Please take a moment

Being a kid seems so easy when you're looking back on it. When you think about the bills, the relationship issues, your job, making sure everyone has enough it seems a little overwhelming. We had plenty of years to prepare for it didn't we? 

If you're fortunate enough to look around the dinner table and see smiling faces, if your kids are the lucky ones that make it through the day without being picked on, bullied, teased, or even worse.. take a moment to be thankful. It's not easy for everyone. Please take a moment to watch this video from a very brave kid.

Listen to your kids. 
Listen when they talk about their friends. 
Listen when they talk about how they feel. 
Listen when they are outside and don't know you can hear them. 

It might not be your child hurting... but it's someones child. It's our job as adults, parents, aunts, uncles, teachers, and role models to look out for them. 

Know what to look for: 

Do you know someone who needs help? 

Call girls and Christmas (WHAT? It's related!)

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After 3 complete outfit changes complete with changes of bras, stockings, heels, skirts, and tops I finally decided on what to wear to the company Christmas party. If there were a man waiting for me he would have been 3/4 through a football game by the time I made my way down the stairs. What I settled on was high dollar call girl with a side of "holy shit these shoes hurt to walk in but they are worth it".

As a service to those of you who aren't familiar with a typical casino floor, I would like to point out that if you're dressed rather fancy people will probably be thinking you're waiting for your next customer. I didn't mind. I smiled and shot some guys my prices and they left me alone. ;)

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Today I've decided to take it a little easier. Lunch with the girls at Grille 26  (Happy birthday, Terra) and maybe some light shopping after. Terra is the baby of our group and will be a whopping 37 this year. This is also her last birthday as a single woman. Today's lunch may include a bit of wedding planning talk and possibly some cheesecake with strawberry rhubarb compote! We might even partake in a glass of wine to wash it down. (hooray wine)

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As to the shopping, this year has been particularly difficult for Christmas. I picked up 3 gifts right away... the In Living Color box set, a Beevis and Butthead tshirt, and an Annoying Orange talking orange (don't ask). The rest has been a complete waste of time. My son wants a new iPod Touch to replace his 1st Gen that doesn't work anymore. Easy. The daughter and her boyfriend on the other hand have made this one of those years where I have to decide whether I am going to lean toward the responsible or give them mostly gag gifts because they gave me a gag list. See below:

Alex and Zach would like: 
Weaponry (throwing knives)
Lock pick set with lock picking guide

Help me out people. Is it ok for me to make a mockery of their mockery? Can I actually get them these things and call it good?

I'll be back tomorrow with a little Wag Vs Angie to spice up your Monday! Tomorrow we'll cover kissin, huggin, squeezin, another.... Not the Journey version, the MARRIED version. What's cheating? We'll find out.

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