Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Roxanne- My Inner Whore

Yeah.. like this one. (firebirdnation.com)
Some days I wake up and the image reflecting back in the mirror looks like she's been rolling around with some guy in the back of his 84' TransAm. Whoever that chick is (let's just call her Roxanne), she's naughty and obviously went places while I was sleeping. It's like my inner whore escaped. Sometimes the good girl I really am gets up too late to really put her away properly.

Today is one of those days. The alarm went off at 6 AM and, like any normal person would, I hit the snooze twice. The third time that thing buzzed in my ear I had all intentions of hitting snooze again, but instead that whore who inhabits my sleeping mind shut off the alarm altogether. When I finally came to, it was 6:45 and panic immediately set in. I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter and rushed to the bathroom. Hell hath no fury like a woman who has to leave the house without her face on, and seriously... ewwww.


It did not end up looking like this.
(topnews.in)
Last night I had prepped my wet hair with product and tied it up in a ponytail with all intentions of getting up to straighten it when I got up. Unfortunately during the night the hair tie disappeared (probably the whore's doing), and rather than having at least partially sleek hair... my half-fro was out in full force. By the time I'd slapped on a coat of face spackle to hide the fact that I'm actually part albino, I had only 30 seconds to run a little balm over the ends of my 'do' and hit the road.

At 7:30 I pulled into the work parking lot and made a dash for the door. Morning greetings out of the way, I made my way to the ladies room to see how my hair had handled the foggy November weather. They say the Devil takes on many forms. In my world, humidity is the anti-Christ. Let's just say the curly hair got frizzier.


Okay it's not THIS big.
(milliontalks.com)


I did the only thing I could do. I embraced my inner whore and let Ol' Roxanne out. The can of Big Sexy Hair hairspray beckoned from the shelf. I lifted pieces here and there to keep the Bozo look from taking over then gave it a quick spray to solidify my place in whore-history. It must have worked too because when I came back to my desk one of my co-workers told me that all I'd need to complete the look would be a bit of smudged lipstick and a broken heel.


Maybe it's the jeans with fray marks and holes in them, but I am pretty sure it is the hair. Whatever it is its got me singing... "Roxanneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee You don't have to put on the red light!" And I put on the red light anyway! Where's the guy with the pegged jeans, case of cold Old Mil, and a TransAm when you need him?

♫♪Roxxxxxxanneeeeeeeeeeee you don't have to wear that dress tonight.... walk the streets for money... you don't care if it's wrong or if it's right!♫♪


20 comments:

Jen said...

I love that I'm not the only one who has named her inner whore. Mine is named Brandi and she's rockin' the leopard print heels today. Holla!

Kaloo5 said...

Guys have inner-whores too you know. Mine is named Sharon Stone. I always make sure I'm wearing underwear when she's around ;)

Ed said...

I had an inner whore once. But she escaped the restraints and ran away.

Becca said...

Gurl if that's how you're looking today you look absolutely fabulous. I like to let the whore out too, only mine's named Ms. Sassy and she'll cut a ho. I like your hair, mine is super fine and super flat and that just sucks a lot. Hey maybe we can get to drinking and looking whorish together. That would be fun, right? Right.

Bexstar said...

Mine inner whore is a gay dude called Mitch. He loves dick, has a big ass & likes to dress like a lady. Last night he dreamed about asteroids & Steve Tyler.

P.S He also thinks if this is the worst you can look Ange, then fuck me I'm never leaving the house again. I am a monster.

Angie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Angie said...

Jen,
I refuse to take responsibility for Roxanne's actions so she had to have her own name.

Kaloo,
You so dirty!

Ed,
I have a guy that lives in the basement but I don't chain him up or anything.

Becca,
I actually like myself better with whore hair. It's just not always work appropriate in the world of sleek haired women. Sleek seems to be the new PC hair thing! We're on for a wild weekend when I move!

Becky,
Roxanne is sort of butch in the respect that she says all the naughty things men say so hmmmm. Also... I had over compensated on the makeup because of my bad ass hair. LOL See also the red light filter that cancels out any blotchy skin? Christ I just realized why hookers used to stand under the red light!

Andrea said...

Dammit! Where's my inner whore? She's clearly a lousy one if she's too damn shy to come out! I let my friend color my damn gray hair yesterday...maybe that was a sign of life!

Anonymous said...

My inner whore escaped and is blatantly walking around in plain sight.

Steve Bailey said...

My inner whore..... is TWINS!!!! Ya baby!!!!

chemgirljaime said...

I hate those mornings when you turn the alarm off and then have to get ready in 2 seconds. i have short hair so my hair basically stands straight up in the middle of the night. If I don't take a shower in the morning I look like the ginger bride of frankenstein.

Miss Sassy Pants said...

This sounds like everyday of my life. Except with a few more hits of the snooze button.

BabyBlue said...

I love my inner whore, she is lots of fun! When she's ready to come out, there is nothing you can do to stop her!

Angie said...

Andrea,
Oh honey... hang with us for a bit and we'll lure your inner whore out! :)

Anon,
When can we meet him/her?

Steve,
I thought yours might be!

Jaime,
I've always wondered what I'd look like with short hair and people always tell me it's easier. Will it prevent Roxanne from coming out?

Sassy,
You say "hits of the snooze button" and it sounds like a drug. Hmmm now that I think about it... :)

Blue,
I think mine is pretty fun too! A nice break from the every day if I do say so myself!

notactuallygod said...

Roxanne, I understand,
you know how bad girls get
Sometimes it's not so easy to be the teacher's pet

don't stand, don't stand, don't stand so close to me
(not when you can sit on my lap instead heh heh heh)

Tony Van Helsing said...

My inner whore steals my wallet as I sleep and doesn't even give me a handjob.

Angie said...

NAG,
That is my favorite Police song! Now sit down. I'm tired of standing!

Tony,
That b*tch! Where can I find her? I'm a little short on cash today. :)

Azra said...

Well if that's you at your worst, you look pretty damn fine Lady :) You do not ever want to see my hair in the morning. It's a travesty :)

Fred Miler said...

Totally agree with Azra. You look fine. I'm going to start using the term "half-fro" too.

Left Coast Guy said...

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