Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Relationship Advice - You'll thank me later (doubtful)

I don't pretend to know the relationship status of all the blog readers of the world. That being said, rather than focus exclusively on being single today, I've decided to hit some archives and pull up some handy information that works for everyone! I've looked at a few different sources to give you the five most helpful of the bunch (or not). Let's get started!

Image from 123rf.com

1. The smell of a woman's tears makes boners die. 

According to a study published in the Journal of Science, this could be due to the fact that women are less fertile during the emotional part of their menses. I think it's because guys don't like listening to girls cry or complain. I am not a scientist. Maybe I should be. I've been told that the smell of tears could be masked with bacon or Cam11 race fuel. I suppose you just need to find the right mix for your man. 




Image from buzzfeed.com
This isn't it. 
2. Eye-boners: They do exist and they mean the same thing as the other sort. 
When a man is sexually excited his pupils dilate. This may also mean that you've turned off the light and his eyes are adjusting. It can also mean that your guy associates being in a dark room with a girl with intercourse. Next time this happens, whisper to your man, "Is it dark in here or is that eye-boner for me?"



Image from businessinsider.com
3. If you want to know the truth from your partner, watch their eyes when you ask the question. 
If the eyes go to the right it means they are recalling the answer from memory. Up and to the left signifies that they are creating an answer for you.

Or that they have a nervous tic. I know someone who has one of those. Crap, maybe she just lies all the time. SOB! 




It would work for me.
Image from media.photobucket.com

4. 40% of men in a recent poll said that a really long steamy kiss will get them ready for sex.
50% of men said if a girl is present. 10% of men said "ewww girls"

Again, this is where it pays to know your man. Maybe all you need to do is send him a quick text during the day. Whatever you do, don't cry. Get hold of yourself! Rub some bacon on your wrists! 




Image from makefive.com


5. Jake at Cosmopolitan says the sexiest thing his girlfriend ever did was sex on an airplane. 
I'm not saying this is for everyone. As a matter of fact, it's probably not. I suggest going to a small regional airport and asking one of the local pilots if he would lend you his plane. You don't have to know how to fly or even leave the ground to have sex in a plane. There's always that little plane on the carousel at the mall too. 

25 comments:

Linda Medrano said...

Very interesting, Angie. Sex on an airplane is over-rated though.

Jen said...

I read somewhere that the top two scents for attracting a man are vanilla and cinnamon. No fucking shit; they just want a bitch to bake for them!

Azra said...

LOL @ '10% of men said "ewww girls"'

There are guys in SA that are constantly ready for sex... no glances, kisses or foreplay needed. All you need to do is ignore them...

Angie said...

Linda,
I have absolutely no interest in sex on a plane. In the air or on the ground... and even less than 0 interest in doing it in the airplane lavatory. Even my hair is too big to go into the bathroom with me sometimes, let alone a whole other person!

Jen,
Ain't that the truth! ~sigh~

Azra,
I should have looked for that tip to add! LOL It's a known fact that ignoring them just eggs them on. Weird.

notactuallygod said...

Your 50%/10% joke was not just funny, it was dead accurate. We keeps stats up here, so I would know.

ipenka said...

Damn it, now I'm curious about the eye-boners. Didn't know that.

It's probably true but can't see my own pupils when having a boner. And its not something I want another test subject for.

Becca said...

Brilliant as usual....

Leauxra said...

No no no you have it all wrong! Most guys aren't walking around with a boner 24/7. But you can say, "Huh, no one's around, and we have a bit of free time. What should we do now?"

Angie said...

NotActually,
LOL Thank you for confirming my stats! You're the best not actual diety ever!

Ipenka,
Sometimes you just have to work it out on your own. LOL

Becca,
Try one of these tonight! :)

Leauxra,
No, they don't have it 24/7, but I don't think it takes much to get them ready! LOL You're so right about the mentioning you have free time and privacy!

Sarah Lindahl said...

As per #3: My left or his left? I need to know.

Andrea said...

Now I have to worry about how tears smell?!?

Angie said...

Sarah,
According to the article, their left. Which is also probably BS. LOL

Andrea,
Nah I wouldn't worry about it. Who the hell decided to collect a specimen of female tears? It's like that viagra for rats study they did earlier this year. WTH for?! :)

Jennifer Fabulous said...

I can always count on you to brighten my day, Angie. I know I keep saying this over and over again, but you're freaking hilarious. :) Your commentary here is priceless.

And thanks for letting me know about the "watching the eyes" thing. That will come in handy for me, I'm sure! Haha.

Oh, and sex on an airplane? Where would that take place? In that gross little bathroom barely one person can stand up in?! Ew?

Kaloo5 said...

You post made me go out and buy blinkers. Now I can only focus to the right.

Jeff D'Antonio said...

I've done the airplane thing. Fun, but not nearly as sexy as the top of a mountain overlooking a valley at sunset...

Angie said...

Jennifer,
Thank you! Funny, I was just showing your site the other day and telling them how I can always count on you to make me want to shop! Keep up the great work!

Kaloo,
ha! That's cheating!

Jeff,
While I've not tried the airplane thing, I can say you're pretty much spot on with the mountain top at sunset!

Heather said...

Honestly, I barely fit in the airplane bathroom ALONE. Where the heck are people having sex on an airplane?? lol

wagthedad said...

What the hell do tears smell like? Tears. Really?

Or are they talking about wet skin? Because that would be different. But then you might be talking about sweat, or any number of...ahem...fluids....

I always wanted to do it on the plane. But never wanted to do it when I was on the plane. Make sense?

Fred Miller said...

I have seriously crossed wiring. I get a boner when I'm lying.

Kaloo5 said...

And the winner is.... *drumroll*
Fred Miller! ;)

Angie said...

Heather,
I know, right? Plus... the person I'd like to have sex with is never on the plane with me (fortunately). :)

Wag,
They said tears! I assume they slap the girl around some and tell her she's fat and ugly and no one will ever want her. Then they milk the tear ducts.

Fred,
I only get a boner when I'm with a guy. Okay that's not exactly right... I only get a boner if it's given to me. Maybe if I start lying I'll get more of them? :p

Kaloo,
hahaha Tell him what he's won folks!

Mrs. Tuna said...

If your eyes swing left right left right you are like one of those crazy cat clocks.

RCB said...

The sexiest thing my girlfriend did what get on a plane... and leave. No, just kidding, Angie. What is it with sex on a plane? JUst a word of advice: make sure you have plain sex or plane sex with people who can hold their liquor. Throwing up is the ultimate boner killer.

mark @ yelling near you said...

I appreciate all the bacon references in this post as well as your creative problem solving for having sex in a plane. Nice work!

Miss Sassy Pants said...

Yup, tears definitely destroy all my boners.

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