Friday, November 4, 2011

It's all the news you need. Because I said so.

I had planned to save this for tomorrow, but there is a good chance that won't remember what I was going to write about, won't care anymore, or just won't bother getting out of bed all day. That being said, here's a little synopsis of the week that was:

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1. Kim Kardashian shocked the world by announcing that she was still married, by filing for a divorce. 
Apparently the check for the wedding show cleared. We will now wait the appropriate (2 months) for the dissolution to be official so that the honeymoon sex tape can be released. 

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2. Justin Bieber was accused of being male or science has come a long way. 
A 20 y/o being attracted to The Bieb is perplexing enough. Deciding to admit it is even worse. Basically signing a confession of statutory rape by publicly declaring he is the father of your baby, given fact one and two, is pretty much the next logical step in her bat shit crazy f*cked up world. 

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3. The Democratic Party has a time machine. 
Earlier this week, key members of the DNC purchased a DeLorean and a shit load of plutonium and headed back to the 1990s. While there, they planted false memories and fake documents in efforts to derail the presidential aspirations of Herman Cain.  (In related news, Rick Perry apparently lost his mind in NH)

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4. An 83 year old man from Centerville, Iowa has been arrested on charges of prostitution. 
The charge reads that Mr. Dawson was loaning the woman money, and offered to lower the amount she had to pay back if she would permit him to perform oral sex on her for his pleasure. This is at least the 4th time these allegations have been made against Mr. Dawson, all from females that rent property from him. I can only assume someone said yes or he wouldn't keep trying. That girl has to be feeling a little dirtier now. 

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5. One week ago tonight two teams played the final game of the 2011 World Series. 
Since I do not care, lets pretend they were the Packers and the Minnesota Wild. It's all the same to me. Also, one of the teams won. Someone's team didn't. Apparently it was so good they plan to have another World Series next year...unless there is a strike or baseball is ruled unconstitutional (non-fans cross fingers).

So that's what has been going on for the last seven days. That's all of it. Not another single solitary newsworthy thing happened. Oh except:

6. The 99% are still occupying some places and it's gone global. I have been occupying my desk which means I must be rich right? 

7. Greece is still on the verge of economic disaster. 

8. Syria has, once again, erupted in violence. 

You know... if you consider this sort of stuff news. (insert an eye roll or two here or there)


Kaloo5 said...

Item #5 had me re-examining my purpose in life and the course of humanity. It also had me in giggles.

Now, Angie, whats different? This question has been plagueing me so much, I didn't even bother spellchecking 'Plagueing'

Steve Bailey said...

83 year old Mr Dawson was a gentle and extremely affordable lover!

Mrs. Tuna said... post was Occupy Elm Street. The same? I think not.

Angie said...

The layout m'dear!

Do you care to comment on the allegations that Mr. Dawson wears dentures?

Mrs. Tuna,
I think my occupying my desk is a lot like you occupying Elm St. :)

Sandra said...

I have to say, I like your world news recap better than the real stuff. Plus it's not a news worthy day until one of the Kardashians has earned a buck.
...I do feel a little dirtier myself just for reading about the 83 year old man...

RCB said...

Instead of a time machine, I was hoping for a geeky machine that can miniturize politicians, so we can trample them under our feet and interview them afterwards and ask them if now they know what it feels like... That would make me read newspapers again, yes, Ma'am.

Jennifer Fabulous said...

You. Are. Hilarious.

I love this post so much, I don't even know where to begin.

I agree with all of it.

And yeah, I was mildly shocked that a 20-year-old girl would even want to ADMIT that she thought Biebs would be the father of her child, or even think to make it up. If you're going to make up a celebrity baby daddy at least choose a MAN!

Tony Van Helsing said...

Our news involved an illegal immigrant who stowed away on a boat from Africa and landed here in 2003. He then embarkd on a life of crime and was in prison twice until Immigration imprisoned him for 4 months so they could sort out his asylum claim without him disappearing. He claimed that he had been unlawfully imprisoned and a judge has awarded him £17,360 for loss of liberty. My country is a laughing stock.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Poor Justin! She told everyone that his deflowering lasted 30 seconds! Isn't that quite long for a boy his age?

Jen said...

Maybe Kim K. can use some of the $$$ she made off of the publicity stunt...oops, I mean wedding, to bail out the Grecian government. Might help rebalance her karmic debt to society.

DeanD said...

Maybe the Biebs and Kim should get together? Now that would be "news worthy."


Linda Medrano said...

Angie, you left out Herman Cain. Honey, how could you leave out Herman??? Nobody else leaves him out!

Elizabeth-FlourishinProgress said...

This is why I'll never watch the news again or pick up a gossip rag...because I have you. And that's all I need.

Angie said...

How do you think I feel? That 83 y/o man is from my home state! haha I guess I know where to go if I get really hard up for... sorry threw up in my mouth just trying to finish that thought.

Wouldn't it be fun to keep them in a little jar with holes poked in the top for air? :D

Obviously Miss Thang didn't realize Ashton Kutcher was available for one night stands and baby making!

Oh... wow! I am not even sure what to say to that. It does change my plan on how to get citizenship in your country though. I've been working on becoming famous and buying my way in. So all I have to do is sneak in illegally and then find a way to sue the government? Hmmm.

You may be right... 30 seconds sounds a little lengthy. But if you think about it, given his age he's well on his way to being a 3 minute man when he's grown! Just takes a few more cougars to show him the way!

Oh, I'm sure she wouldn't mind as long as she was able to sell magazines, videos, and TV specials of her helping so she could recoup her losses. Maybe I'm giving her too much credit?

Good plan! She could make him a real man on video! She could be his Blue Fairy!

I remembered Herman! He's #3 Although now I hear he's blaming the Perry campaign for dragging this ugly bit of ass-grabbery to the light. Typical of the day it seems. It's always someone else's fault, right? :)

Between you, me, and the rest of the internet... I just make sh*t up as I go along based on what I have heard when I'm getting ready for work in the morning. Thank God for Matt Lauer and the rest of the Today Show crew!

Leauxra said...

The thing that bothers me the most, here, is that I ALREADY KNEW ALL OF THIS.

And this is on top of work, and writing part of a novel this week. Oh, and a snowstorm. I really need to look at how I am spending my time.

Paula said...

There are no words for how much this entire post had me cracking up. I don't know what I would do without you brightening my day! :)

Azra said...

Is it weird that no. 4 shocks me more than anything Kim Kardashian could ever cook up. No. 7 freaks me out just a little. Le sigh.

Angie said...

Isn't it sad that we are bombarded with this trivial crap all day long on TV, print media, and radio... yet things we should know or care about are pushed out of sight? The only thing you can do is make fun of it... it's not worthy of real emotion or investment.

You and me both girl! Sorry you got screwed out of your Electric Slide!

I think #4 is the scariest because he looks like someone most of us know and it's creepy. LOL

mark @ yelling near you said...

It's the Beiber one.... that 20 yr old has got to be one of the dumbest people alive. If, in the unlikely event that she's not lying, enjoy the year in prison and good luck getting any $$ out of the Beibs - he's still a minor. Are there any precedents for child support orders against minors?

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