Thursday, October 27, 2011

Travel Tips For Protecting Your Privates

Ah the holiday season approaches! I've made the comment on a few sites over the last few days that I'm going to embrace Halloween in the whorish style to which I've become accustomed. As in years past, I will don a costume primarily intended to cause a stiffening of male genitalia. In true Angie's House tradition, I will proceed to prance around my room singing into my hairbrush, sip cocktails, watch scary movies, and fall asleep sprawled out in the middle of the bed... alone. SWEET! If I tipsy text you Saturday night... you're welcome.

All of that is neither here nor there, really. Today I just wanted to remind you that with the holidays comes travel for many of us. Thanksgiving is speeding toward us with the velocity of a frozen turkey dropping from a plane.

Trivia intermission

What popular sitcom from the 70's and 80's gives us the following quote, "As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly."  Right... feel free to throw your guess in the comment section for that! 

Anyway, back to the holidays. For some of us the only time we get to spend time with our friends and families is during the holiday season. Unfortunately, this year the standard airline price hikes are being compounded by a little news from Delta. The Today Show announced this morning that Delta is reporting they will be increasing fares and reducing the number of flights to compensate for the increase in cost of fuel. A little pre-holiday cheer there for you! So, if you're planning that holiday get away, you might want to be watching the prices fairly closely.

Now before you go thinking I'm going to leave you with only this dreary bit of "well that's just f*cking great" news, I do have something pretty awesome to share! I know there has been a lot of outrage about the amount of hoops a person must jump through to simply get to your gate these days. I've heard all sorts of complaints.

"Do I look like a TERRORIST?!" to which I reply... "Well forcing me to listen to your bitching is torture so uh... "

"It's a violation of privacy! I don't want to be fondled! Those new machines are just as bad. They show EVERYTHING!"  but I can only say, "Some of us like that pat down, and those new machines don't show anything they can't already see except things you may have hidden on your body. Why the hell are you hiding shit on your body? That sweater isn't hiding the truth, sugar."

Still... for those of you with an aversion to a little public groping, more modesty than my granny, and concerns about radiation targeting your baby making equipment or your breasticles there is relief and it's only a click away. The best part... the makers of this "holy shit! why didn't I think of that!?" product pretended to try to make it practical AND sexy/fun/a joke.

Image courtesy of

You're probably thinking I'm a sexist man-hater that doesn't care about protecting the male right to privacy or the need for radiation free sperm. You might be right (oh quit ya big babies). C'mon I bet a lot of men are sitting there smiling and thinking... radiation make sperm giant like godzira! Rawrrrrrrr! They thought of you too!

Don't ever say I don't love ya. I'm here to protect your privacy and your private parts! Fly safe, my lovelies.


Jen said...

WKRP in Cinncinati! I used to l-o-v-e me some Less nessman! I need me them figgy britches, yo!

Angie said...

Winner! I've been trying to catch bits of the Thanksgiving Turkey Drop episode on Hulu all day but it's been so freakin' busy!

Yes... those underwear are pretty damn special, huh!?

mark @ yelling near you said...

Thanks for that Angie. I'll keep it for future reference because my family will be lucky if I visit them again before 2013. If the world doesn't end, maybe we'll make a trip to the homeland.

Angie said...

Where is your homeland? The world isn't going to end... it's just going to go all repub... ok so if we're still around and allowed to talk to each other maybe see you in 2013? :p

Linda Medrano said...

I like that underwear! Now, the truth is, I don't mind a little pat down. Particularly if she/he is cute. It's okay with me. I really don't like turkey though. So maybe we'll have a soy turkey. Doesn't that sound yummy?

Angie said...

Well I don't know what a soy turkey is (tofu?) but I will just settle for the pat down! :) I am planning on going somewhere for my birthday next month and I'd better get a pat down or I'm going to pout!

mark said...

The homeland is one of the red states. My family hasn't actually visited me since I got married and moved away. They're still in denial and thinking if they hold their breath and close their eyes long enough I'll give in and move back. They're wrong.

Angie said...

Oh... I'm in a red state. I just do what I want to do and let God sort it out later. So far I've been pretty successful, but I've lived primarily in blue states until now. I suppose I don't care so much what someone else thinks I should do.

Home is where your heart is, and if you don't feel your heart here, you SHOULD stay where you're at. As my mother says... the phone and the roads run both ways!

Gorilla Bananas said...

You're not planning to wear the costume in the airport are you? All those stiff dicks might be mistaken for weapons when they go through the machine.

RCB said...

I don't care about those new security gates, but I always insist that a woman does the fondling. No joke, Angie. I take off my belt and everything else that makes the damn thing go beep beep, spread my legs and arms in anticipation like I'm being arrested by a foxy momma and I look at the young lady blush with a smile on my face. I love it. Why? Because they always used to make me step out of line... those security bastards.

notactuallygod said...

I'm sure you're going to post pics of you in your costume, right? Better yet, have your cocktails FIRST (for courage) THEN start taking pictures! -and don't take them down the next day until everyone's had a chance to see!. haha

Leauxra said...

Those underwear are great. But I think I would rather get some that said, "stop looking at my crotch" or something.

Azra said...

LOL. I hate the "are you a terrorist" look.

Fuel hikes are the worst. Domestic airline tickets are almost double what they were last year this time. And let's not even talk about gas/petrol...

Angie said...

Oh I'm not going to the airport at all. I was just being helpful to people's naughty bits! See? I'm good that way! ;)

Why doesn't that surprise me? LOL I can see you winking at the pretty TSA girl and smiling with a naughty gleam in your eye.

Ooooh hmm, Well I don't think that's a very family friendly blog post. I did consider going out for awhile tonight if work today doesn't kill me. Maybe I'll go as a censored photo?

Am I the only one who DOESN'T think the TSA wants to see my crotch? haha

I was hoping to get out of town for my birthday next month, but they have priced me out of the trip. Makes me sad!

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